JargonBear

Courtney Love was on the Fraggles

2007-04-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

Turns out Ms. Cobain was formerly emplyed by the Jim henson corporation to moonlight as a fraggle.

Which fraggle you ask?

Check it out....

I hear they just zoomed in on her mid section and this was the result.

Federer wins again!

2007-01-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

Turns out Roger Federer owns a little bit of the old US of A. That little bit is called Andy Roddick.

You see, Thursday afternoon down in the land of sexy accents, promiscuous ladies and lazy bears, at the Australian Open, Roger Federe cruised past Andy Roddick and secured his place in the Final.

The score looked like this;

6-4, 6-0, 6-2,

I think it was Roger's three hundreth consecutive victory and Wiley Coyote's I mean Andy Roddick's nine gazillionth straight loss to the swiss man.

Roger Good, Andy Bad.....

Other things that are good;

1. Girls

2. Panthro

3. All the Thundercats for that matter

4. Transformers, namely the Autobots

5. The barbapapas. Mostly good at buliding things but still deserve to be mentioned here. (Incidentally Barbapapa's New House might be my all time favorite book)

6. Kathrine from 1987's Tv hit Beauty and the beast - Props to you if you remeber this, props or so sorry about the career Vincent.

7. Speedy Gonzalez Cartoons

Things that suck like Roddick

1. Decepticons

2. Luc et Martine books. (If you had the pleasure of attending a french school you're picking up what I'm putting down here)

3. Fido (The stupid chien from #2)

4. Mr. Gadget cartoons that I had to watch while waiting for real cartoons like Transformers and Gummie Bears

5. Gargamel and Azriel

6. Skeletor

7. Gb

Surprise!!!

2007-01-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't think you'd see this when you went out on a limb and typed in our little web address for shats and giggles.

I also didn't think that I would ever get tired, much less offended by the sight of little miss Spears' Va-JJ. Hey things change...(hopefully next up is Kristanna Loken's sexual orientation)

Wait, scratch that. I just googled the wench and it turns out she could probably terminate the mightiest of my erections and not in the happy ending kind of way.

Speaking of Happy endings, I thought I'd return to the world of the blogger with what might be the happiest of my posts. The Hump Day Post!

This weeks hump day spotlight is shone on someone who Imdb has credited with more stage 3 Rapid eye movement happy endings than David Spade has failed sitcoms. Seriously the dude should be credited as the cancer that will eventually put any show he appears on to bed. (Hey slow guy. Rapid Eye movement, or REM, if you will, is a stage of sleep. Keep that in mind and now go re-read the last paragraph.)

Much funnier now isn't it. Yes JargonBear prides itself on it's high brow humour and by being able to spread education round the world. Now you should go host a dinner party and impress all your guests with your new knowledge.

Alas I digress. Back to Little Miss Nocturnal Emission. Now let me think. Her name seems to elude me....

Concentrate....

I see cabinets...

I think it's a kitchen, yes. Through the kitchen and up the back stairs to the attic. Yes there she is. Becky? Is that you? Yes. Rebecca Donaldson! (I prefer to completely disregard that Becky Katsopolis part of the story line)

Seriously. Lori Laughlin was the only good reason to watch Full House. She was spectacular. 1988 was a very good year for me. I had the Olympics in my back yard, this being little more than a bragging point because I chose to stay inside and watch F.H. with adoring eyes. (You know the kind of adoring eyes you had for your first babysitter, or your first hot teacher. Coincidentally 1988 grade 3 St. Gerard's. Mme Marshall)

Honestly, not much else to say. She knocked my socks off. I must have had a thing for older women. Thankfully I have since come to my senses and got my socks back! Older women...what was I thinking? You don't shop for old cars. You want the most recent model possible... (I think she's born in '64. (A good year for Bryan Adam's) but slightly before my time) Which pretty much makes her a fossil. A fossil I will forever adore.

Miss Laughlin, welcome to the right side of the Hump Day Club.

Jb

Hey Gb, how bout a little post action. Haven't seen anything out of you in months. You're letting this blog down by not posting just about as much as our readers are letting us down by not making us any money.

Don't even get me started on you Tb. (For those of you who haven't read any of TeabagBear's material, oh wait he has yet to post)

Pick up your manties Tb.

And as an appology for not posting for a while, I leave you with a little picture I drew back in the day. (it was a wednesday)

Hallelujah!!!!

2006-11-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

So, I think I have about eight thousand hockey cards at home. Eight thousand hockey cards of the budget variety. You see, my parents would never let me buy the upper deck cards because they were a couple dollars more expensive, and justifiably so, because they were much higher quality.

The conundrum begins because I have this obscene amount of hockey cards, worth next to nothing, because they’re the ghetto brand, yet, I still hang on to them, hoping that some day they will once again become valuable.

I’ve had this mentality with many things in my life, and to date have been burned 986,213 times. (for anyone who cares, satan’s batting 100% on this one, as I have yet to have my faith rewarded)

UNTIL NOW!!!!

And let me tell you, all is forgiven.

I don’t care what you say, my continued faith and dedication to Little miss Brit has paid off. I knew someday she would be back.

Even if the numbers still look skewed, 986,213 to 1, I feel vindicated, as this might actually be the most important battle. It’s kind of like the Mongols. They won something like 8 trillion straight battles, but they lost the last one, the most important one and where are they now?

I’m pretty much giddy.

Britney Spears is;

A) hot again
B) Lost a lot of weight (Mostly of the crappy rapper variety)
C) Still not returning my calls.

Man it’s a good day!

Jb

If you follow only one link today, make it the Lost a lot of weight one above. It's where you'll learn from TMZ that Britney is finally divorcing that trash bucket parasite. Only comfort for Kfed, he could probably make a pretty good mattress out of all the bags of throw up he's recieved and stashed in his closet hoping that someday they'd be worth something!

Amen

2006-11-07T12:01:00.001-07:00

nuff said

Jb

Anyone have some Toilet Paper?

2006-11-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well, that’s it, we might as well let the terrorists take over. You see there is no hope for this western way of life anymore. You know why? Because I was just treated to the newest offering by former meth addict Stacy Ferguson, AKA Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am often somewhat grumpy, and I hold a general dislike for an awful lot of things. Now, when I first heard this song on radio this morning, I said to myself “Holy crap am I angry!!! How on Earth does a song this awful get played for the public?” And then I became increasingly enraged and thought “Who would possibly pay for studio time, sign her to a record label, and have the audacity to put out an entire compact disc of this poo?” Cause really, this is what poo would sound like if you wiped some poo on a cd and then put the cd in your stereo. And then you would be like “Oh man this poo really sounds bad, and how disappointing that I got some poo on my fingers when I opened the case.” So you can thank Fergie for getting poo on your hand, and for making you stupider with every word that this monstrosity provides. Her lyrics make “Green Eggs and Ham” sound like Hamlet.

And then the rage meter (remember that?) went through the roof when I finally realized that this is all your fault. You, the general public - teeming masses of sheep, who work for a living and then spend your hard earned money on poo cd’s. Because the record company wouldn’t make it if they thought you won’t buy it. And then you do. You buy the poo. Why do you pay for something you can get for free? This is why goat touching, mouth breathers like K-Fed still think he’s gonna be successful, because if you bought this poo, maybe you’ll buy his poo too.

So for all you people who buy poo like this Fergie cd, and watch poo like American Idol, Wife Swap, and anything on the WB network , and who listen to other poo like Uncle Kracker, James Blunt, Korn, R Kelly, Toby Keith, Matchbox 20 and Nickelback, and people who think that baseball is actually a sport..................congratulations…….you are single handedly responsible for the complete demise of our society.

As for me, I’m still awesome, cause I just mailed Fergie a bag of throw up.

gB

Don’t watch this if you have an exam tomorrow……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp62glpAb80

Let's do the Dance of Joy

2006-11-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Cousin Jb, that is by far the best Balki Bartokomous reference I have heard in the last 10 years. And I think there have been at least 4 of them in that time. The episode when Larry and Balki go to the gym for the first time and then they fall asleep on the couch immediatley after and can't move during their dates with Maryanne and Jennifer that night is one of the top 25 greatest televsion episodes in history. Excuse me while I go rent the box sets of Perfect Strangers, Bosom Buddies, and Night Court, then kill myself.

gB

hmmm.........anyone else feel another list brewing?

Borat Rules America

2006-11-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

The weekend take is in. ImDB Estimates that Borat, Cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan took in $26.4 Million this weekend. That put it in the number one slot for this weekend. Pretty impressive for a Kazakhstani peasant.

What makes it far more inpressive is that it only opened in limited release. IMDB actually has a per screen average figure, and when we take a quick look at that, we see exactly how badly Borat blew away the competition.

Borat took in over$31,500 per sreen. The second best per sreen total was, The Queen with $7,777 per.

Ummm that's ridiculous. That's like comparing Jessica Simpson to the old Ashley Simpson. There's no comparison to be made. One is clearly superior.

Like comparing G.I. Joe to Ken dolls.

Never in the history of entertainment has the North American continent been so enthrawled with a man playing a funny speaking foreigner!

Well not recently...

Congratulations Borat, you're the new Balki Bartokomous!!!

Plinko!

2006-11-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Let’s take a moment and appreciate the significance of what is going on around you right now. If you have not heard yet, Bob Barker, host of the game show “The Price is Right” is stepping down after 35 years. This man is a legend. You know why. Because his job for 35 years consisted of standing around and talking for an hour, 5 days a week. Rest assured that he made a boatload of money for his mindless banter. Wouldn’t you love to make a boatload of money for standing around talking? Oh wait, he also got to hang out with beautiful models for 35 years. And he slept with one of them and had them fired when he felt like it. Sure, there was some lawsuits, but what did it matter to him, the network took care of everything. So remember when you were thinking about how much you would like to make a boatload of money for smiling, standing and talking? How do you feel about it now that you know about the girls? And what about all the contestants kissing him? Sure there were some grannies and probably trannies, but some of those girls were spectacular. And his vocabulary never had to go much deeper than “car, hot tub, golf clubs, vacation, and showcase showdown”. You know what words doctors have to learn to get rich “myocardial, defibrillator, hematoma….” See my point? This man is very rich, very famous, hangs with models, still has all of his hair, and has to do very little at his job for all this. Did I forget to mention he is trained in martial arts by none other than the Champ Chuck Norris? It’s true, you can look it up.

Bob Barker, you are a man’s man and a champion of society, we salute you.

gB

Check out some of the sordid details at this link….

http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/doig/cbc3/printcopy.asp

And don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Jerrica Benton - come on down!

2006-11-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

You're the next contestant on the Hump day Club...

You guessed it. It is officially Wednesday and time for the highlight of your week. The latest celebrity to be added to the humpday sorority is Jerrica Benton. Jerrica Benton is absolutely in the hump catergory. In fact I don’t think there has been anyone in history who has been a clearer hump than Jerrica.

Some of you may not know Jerrica, so let’s begin with a bit of background on her. I was introduced to her probably about fifteen years ago on a television program. Although I’ve been aware of her for over a decade now, Jerrica has aged wayyyy more gracefully than any other woman on whom I held a crush at that developmentally crucial point of my life. (Other crushes included Kimmi Gibler, Jenny Garth and all the babes of baywatch)

Jerrica was, and probably still is, the owner manager of Starlight music.

She has a couple close friends and is often spotted performing with them. I occasionally forget their names, but believe they are; Kimber, Aja and Shana.

As if the T.V. show and successful career weren’t enough to justify putting her in the right side of a humpday update she’s also part of a band.

(If you remember Jerrica yet, you’re a champ)

Jerrica has a nickname;

It’s Jem!

Her friends have a nickname; It’s the Holograms.

Man did I have it bad for Jem. Sad part is, I think it was just an innocent crush. Someone needs to do a Hentai - Jem crossover cartoon! Hey Japan, wanna jump on that. I know you’re not preoccupied dealing with the North Korea Situation.

Jb

If you try, even for a minute. to tell me that you didn't want to be apart of jem and the holograms when it was on tv, I will call you a filthy liar. Come on man, we've grown up. It was cool to lie about things on the playground in elementary so you wouldn't get teased, but man up buddy! You watched it and you had dreams about tugging on your own earrings and saying, "it's show time synergy" and magically being transformed in to a female rock star. Admit it you queer!

You're Truly outrageous!

Grrr.....

2006-10-31T16:13:00.000-07:00

You know who sucks? Well lots of people………. like Madonna………… Kevin Feder-douche….. James Blunt… Bill O’Reilly.. Jack Layton, that dude from the Purolator office, Nicole Ritchie, Wilmer Valderramma, Derian Hatcher, Baseball, pickles, cats, laundry, Terrell Owens, the WNBA, and working.

But specifically, today, in honor of the unanticipated release of Mission Impossible 3, it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did you know that for the film “Capote” he won 22 Best Actor Awards? If you don’t believe me check out this link

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0379725/awards

And so you would say, well heck, he must be a pretty good actor huh? But you know what……….you would be totally inexcusably wrong. First of all let’s not touch on the self serving absurdity of the amount of galas, presentations, award shows and “I’m a celebrity, give me more attention” bullcrap evenings that take place in our society. Do you really give a damn if the Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association gives out awards? What is there like 3 voters on this board? How many film critics are in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and what have they done to need awards? We don’t see an American Medical Association award for most life saving procedures in one year, but we do get treated to the Screen Actors Guild awards. Seriously? They vote for themselves! I demand a recount, where people who actually have to pay for tickets to see movies get to vote, and then we could give Hoffman his award for “Best Performance by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male, played by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male”.

Hmmm, body of work…..?
Movie: Capote - Hoffman: Fat, annoying voice, gee that was tough
Movie: MI3 - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy,
Movie: Owning Mahoney - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, did anybody watch this?
Movie: Almost Famous - Hoffman; Fat, annoying, generally sucky performance
Movie: Red Dragon - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, whiny, nice to see him die though
Movie: Boogey Nights - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy, gay
Movie: Twister - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, generally dirty

Summary: Philip Seymour Hoffman in reality is a big fat creepy dirty sometimes gay guy who is rewarded for being himself.

gB

Isn’t this one of the most awful things you have ever seen? I would rank this higher than Chernobyl in awfulness alone.

Tits on a Bull

2006-10-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

Sticking with the K-Fed theme as seen below, it is being widely repeated on the internet and such classy investigative journalist outposts as E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Extra that there is some trouble brewing surrounding Mr Britney’s upcoming “gig”

Page Six reports this morning that so few $20 tickets have been sold for K-Fed's concert this coming Saturday at Manhattan's Webster Hall that the venue, which is fairly small-capacity to begin with, is thinking of nixing the gig because, as a Post source puts it, "New Yorkers are clearly not fans of 'PopoZao.'" But it wouldn't' be the first time that K-Fed – the self-described "most underrated" performer ever -- has under-performed. His concert in Cleveland was 86ed because of lack of interest.

Remember, just a few days ago when this moron called himself the most underrated performer around. Oh you don’t remember? Because you didn’t read that? Because you don’t give a crap? Well, I’ll see your “I don’t give a crap” and raise you a “Who f*&#@!$ing cares”.

Turns out I lost when someone hit a “I hope he dies” on the river…….

gB

Seriously though, how many gay homeless people could go trick or treating and say “I’m dressed as K-Fed” so they could score some candy for dinner? The answer is 6 gay homeless guys could pull that off.

Please go Boom!!! Please go Boom!!!

2006-10-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Never, ever in the history of man would the complete destruction of a room and ALL it's contents have benefitted human kind more than if it had happened right here.

Personally I would have to sift through way less Lindsay Lohan crap to get to something I can poke fun at. (You see making fun of Lindsay is like making jokes about a three legged poodle. The poodle already gets slammed by other dogs for being such a wuss, and now that they only have three legs it just seems cruel. Plus the Tripoodle has the Coke sniffles and random male dogs just walk up behind her and have a quick go at her.)

And you can't tell me there isn't a person in the world that wouldn't benefit from losing Kfed.

I bet that if K-fed disappeared this crazy North Korean would come to his senses and stop trying to build the bomb. You see K-fed is actually the root of all evil.

JargonBear would get a 8.8 on IMDB

2006-10-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while someone takes something that has been around for a while, puts a bit of a spin on it, and makes it new, refreshing and way better than the original. Throughout history there has been no shortage of these things;
For instance;

Kangaroo shoes. Not just a shoe, not just a coin purse, but a shoe with a little coin pocket on the side. Note, the substitution of laces for Velcro straps put this in a category of possible Nobel Prize winner.

K-way. From fanny pack to rain coat in under five seconds.

Internet porn. Could you imagine how many uncomfortable trips to the “Adult” section at the back of the video store or akward exchanges with a corner store clerk it would have taken to amass an amount of porn that is equivalent to that which is in your hidden P folder on your computer?

Bookmobile – A phenomenal meld of RV and Bibliotheque. (On a side note how the Phoque does bibliotheque mean library in French? I think livre is book, so that doesn’t explain it. And you know how some French words are very similar to their English counterparts, such as, such as, of course I can’t think of any right now, but trust me, they do, and in this instance, definitely not the case.)

Well the point of this post was originally to tell the masses about a man who has taken something run of the mill, a Hollywood movie, and put a unique spin on it, and made it superb. That man being; Shane Black. The director and screen writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

I can’t really explain why it’s good, but trust me, it is. It’s super entertaining to watch. When it’s done you get this warm, fuzzy, satisfied feeling and definitely not the empty angry rage of trying to get your two hours back as is the case with Freedomland. You never know what’s coming next. (Kind of like a choose your own adventure novel. BTW Choose your own adventure novels should definitely have been present in the list above of wicked things) ((by the way, BTW means By The Way))

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang got a 7.9 on IMDB. (That’s good) IMDB ratings are tough. A bookmobile would rank 10 out of 10 on any other scale but probably only about a 9 on IMDB.

Jb

Come to think of it, where the hell does the word library come from? Shouldn’t the word be a little more closely related to the word book. A hen house is where you keep hens. Bird house -birds, bathhouse -baths, (and gay falconers) Books, oh ya we keep ‘em over there in the bookhouse..err I mean Library.

What's wrong with this picture?

2006-10-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

So X17online posted this picture of Seal bringing his daughter to school. Can you guess what I'm gonna say?

What's that? That if memory serves you correctly and all those experiments in pre school where you mixed the black paint with the white paint were scientifically correct, then....

No, that's not it.

Is it that a power couple like Seal and Heidi Klum should be able to afford a better costume for their child than this mockery? That's the worst attempt at dressing up as a smurf house in the history of halloween...

Nope.

Maybe that if any other man on earth were married to Heidi they would never be caught out in public for all their waking hours would be spent in the bedroom?

Yup that's it. What's wrong with you Seal???? You're wasting valuable hump time you silly hump.

Who says getting a Stanley Cup Ring is difficult?

2006-10-27T13:41:00.000-06:00

The Calgary Flames winger Darren McCarty, following his bankruptcy filing last year, will be auctioning off some of his memorabilia. Among the items up for bid are his three Stanley cup rings he won as a member of the Detroit Red wings.

If you’re interested you need to be prepared to pony up some cash because all indications are that Glen Sather will be dropping some mad coin on this. What makes me say that? How bout the fact he’s been throwing buckets of money around trying to buy one for the last five years. Another probable winner is Mr. Wang, the GM of the Islanders because let’s face it, the 15 years of income he’s dedicated to Rick Dipietro is never gonna buy him one.

The oddest item up for sale is an urn packed with Chin wiskers. (Yuk)

Stephon Marbury is a Hero, sort of...

2006-10-27T10:48:00.000-06:00

New York Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has launched a new line of shoes that, presumably, will benefit the youth of the world. The new line of basketball shoes will sell for no more than $15 a pair.

I guess the idea is to aid underprivileged youth by giving them the opportunity to purchase quality sportswear, and even the playing field. Nice thought Stephon, I applaud your gusto but I can’t help but think of little Pablo and Xing-Xang, who were already being paid in peanuts to make shoes for existing athletic companies who are sure to now be compensated with the excreted remains of peanuts previously enjoyed by Peruvian or Taiwanese squirrels.

Stephon, you’re a true life international Robin Hood, giving to the poor that which you have stolen from another countries poor.

Jb

If you’d actually like to read the story you can here.

Is it me or are those shoes made of marshmallow? I guess if the kid finds out he's just as bad at ball with shoes, as he was without, he's foound where his next meal is coming from.

I've seen more movies than you.....

2006-10-26T15:42:00.000-06:00

Following the grand success of the outstanding list of songs we provided you with last month, here is a list of movies that personify awesomeness to varying degrees. They range from Awesome to Super Friggin Uber Awesome. Kinda like me, sometimes I’m only just awesome, but other days, watch out cause I’m the Supreme Grand Emperor of Awesomeland.

And yes in fact, the newly released “The Departed” definitely goes onto this list….

Star Wars Trilogy (Original)
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fight Club
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
The Matrix (first one)
Saving Private Ryan
Heat
Slap Shot
The Silence of the Lambs
Gladiator
The Towering Inferno
American History X
The Usual Suspects
Black Hawk Down
Seven
Caddyshack
True Romance
The Great Escape
LA Confidential
The Rock
Braveheart
Aliens
Forrest Gump
Unforgiven
Serenity
Christmas Vacation
Indiana Jones
Platoon
Goodfellas
Point Break
Terminator 2
Navy Seals
Red Dawn
9 ½ Weeks
Die Hard (first one)
Pulp Fiction
The Dirty Dozen
Lethal Weapon 2
Blade
Air Force One
Commando
The Untouchables
Kill Bill Vol 1
Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Pirates of the Caribbean
A Fish Called Wanda

So if you don’t own any of these on DVD then you must be now able to get married in Ontario. Unless you’re a girl, then you should go buy some of these so you can actually hang on to a boyfriend. If you do own some of these then you should buy more of them. Then I could say “How many movies do you own?” And you would say “Three Hundred and Two”. And then I would say “Oh, well, I own Three Hundred and Six…”

gB

Editor’s note: Don’t be afraid to be anxiously awaiting our Best of TV List, coming soon…

The Return......

2006-10-25T15:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, ok, I’m back. And I’m mad. And I’m black y’all. Oh no wait, I’m not that last one. Anyway, the outcry from the Jargonbear readership has led me to believe that I have been missed (my Mom called, asked if I was still alive, after I said yes she hung up).

While I will offer no further explanation for my absence (thanks for your help Dr. Moshimura…..) I do have a story to tell. You see I had to send some US money from Canada for…………something. Here’s how it went.

Leave work (real job, not this one) 10 minutes early to beat the lineup at the bank. Stand in line for 16 minutes, three tellers working, line getting longer behind me. MY TURN! Oh no wait, the big woman behind the counter puts up a sign saying Closed and she smugly smiles and says “ Someone will be right with you…”. What? I’m sorry, are you going for your lunch break? Because I’m sure starting at 10:00am and working for two hours was tough on your 245lb frame. I hope you choke on your lunch. Because god knows you’ll just be hungry again at freaking 4:00pm when you’re closed once more.

Finally get my money order, drive to post office, get to counter, realize I left my wallet in the car. ArGh. Go back, slam door, wait in line (….argH), I say “need this to go to KALEEFORNIA (in Arnold Schwarzneggar accent), polite young lady does not appreciate my comedic stylings. Fine, she says it can’t there faster than 3-5 days I should courier it, suggests I go to Purolator. Gives me directions, go back to car, take 2 deep breaths, rage meter going up. Get to Purolator, wait 4 minutes to get served because no one is at the counter. Argh. A troll finally comes out from backroom, I drop the accent but it doesn’t matter. It’s going to a PO Box therefore courier cannot deliver and it must be routed through post office. ARgh. Swear loudly enough for people in store to hear me, but not loud enough to get arrested, stomp off to car, slam door, punch steering wheel. Deep breath. Start slinging F-bombs out the window at bad drivers and pedestrians as I unsafely speed back to post office.

Return to post office, polite young lady says “Sorry, I should have checked your delivery address first I guess…” My left eye starts twitching. So I say 3-5 days huh, guaranteed? She replies “It will probably be there by Monday, Tuesday for sure”. YOU LIAR! Tuesday is a full 6 business days later. How effing hard is it to have a piece of mail go down a 3 hour flight? And it’s gonna cost $11.00? ARGH. Head is throbbing, little bit of saliva flicks off lower lip as my voice raises “Hang on, I forgot my friggin wallet in the car! (again) ARGH!!!!”. Damn near break a window on the store’s door as I bust back through to the post office. There’s someone being served now. I have to wait. Mid-transaction. All I have left is to pay and I have to wait another 9 GODFORSAKEN MINUTES!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGHGHHHH. Lady asks “are you alright?”

A single tear rolls down my cheek.

gB

HumpDay Update

2006-10-25T14:41:00.000-06:00

So it’s Wednesday and time for the Humpday update.
I missed last week so this week I will be posting twice.
I’ve also found that I’ve been posting a lot more humps than not humps, (guess that’s just how I wuz raised!)
So this week will be one hump, and one not hump.

I’ve had a bit of a soft spot for this girl for quite some time now. It’s like I couldn’t get her out of my mind for years. Therefore I thought it might be a pro po to relate her to a
television program that I couldn’t get off the screen when I was a young lad.

Seriously, did anyone even like the Racoons? Nobody liked ‘em, but everyone somehow still knows exactly what I’m talking about. Every single day in grade two would end with me rushing home, looking for some quality cartoons like Transformers, Thundercats, He-man or G.I. Joe and I would get this bush league Canadian production. None the less it some how magically transfixed me and prevented me from changing the channel.

This girl is eerily similar. Everyday in second year University would end with me rushing home, from the Den, trying to catch a peek at……well actually I don’t even know who I was trying to see. She was pretty much the first one, and set the stage for a plethora of others to follow. She was the first super hot, super sexy, super vibrant superstar. Let’s call her Bert Raccoon, as she was in all intents and purposes the star of the pop music show.

She had everything going for her and then suddenly a member of her family dragged her down. Think Cedric Sneer and his villain of all villains father Cyril sneer.

She began as an absolutely hump! But recently has come dangerously close to being filed in the not humps. Now she’s migrating back toward the, I’d still hit, in tribute of what she used to be. (Like Anna Nicole Smith, don’t tell me you wouldn’t hit it on the basis that back in the day she was hot)

Jb

I was going to post some pics of fat Brit, but why would I do that to myself??

By the way, Cedric was a homosexual. How sure am I? As sure as I am that you wanted to be an Ewok the first time you watched Return of the Jedi.

P.S. I would still touch Brit's Ewok, and if she asked kindly maybe even her Chewbacca.

Missing Bear

2006-10-25T12:14:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I know he's been prone to taking off in the past, especially over the winter months, but it's never been this early before. One of the contributing writers to the jargonbear has fallen completely off the map.

Where has the Gummi Bear gone?

Wait, I just found this;

Return of Humpday

2006-10-25T11:43:00.000-06:00

It’s everybody’s favorite day, Wednesday! I thought I’d mix things up a bit for this weeks installment of Humpday, so without further ado;

Yes, No, No

This one was easy. It was as if someone had lined up three viruses. When faced with a decision between Hantavirus, human-immune deficiency, and influenza, sign me up for the flu every time. Automatic I tell ya.

Hilary Duff is everything the other two are not. Actually the other two are everything Hilary Duff is not. Dirty, Diseased, Dim Witted, contaminated, unhealthy, untalented…

Yes, Yes, No

You know how sometimes, you’re attracted to some people and for the life of you, you can explain why. Like why Archie for some reason kept that douchebag Veronica around when he was so obviously a better fit for Betty. Well, Sandra Bullock is that girl for me. If I were to give her ten ratings for various aspects of her life, she would invariably score no higher than a six on any one of them, but somehow when I add all the scores together she would get a 95. It’s odd I know, but I just roll with it.

The little girl in the middle, even though she’s four foot nine, I gotta do it. I don’t know why. She’s a pretty average actor, she’s fairly average looking, she’s dating a total sack, but somehow I think if it came down to it, I’d still hit it. It’s like at the club, when the night is getting late, you’re standards get real low. Well the ugly lights just came on, but I’m in the back of the club where they don’t quite reach. I can tell they’re on, but Shara here in front of me, isn’t quite illuminated. All I gotta do is find a way to sneak Shara here out a back door and in to a cab before a) my friends catch me or b) my buzz wears off and I come to my senses. Either way I’m in for a rough morning when a) my friends bust in or b) I call her Shara again. (They’re much less forgiving in the morning)

You know how some people despise Brussel sprouts? Well I despise Gwyneth

Todays winners;

Rules do not apply to hot Girls

2006-10-24T09:48:00.000-06:00

Ummm.........

Now, I don't think that what looks like is happening, is actually happening in these pictures, but my opinion is based purely on the fact that Dr. Sue has always told me that there was a hard fast rule against bumping nasties under water.

Luckily for Jessica Alba, rules do not apply to super hot girls. Seriously I wouldn't be surprised if she fed a gremlin after midnight and..........Nothing!

Weekend Movie Review

2006-10-16T14:36:00.000-06:00

The Departed is the best movie of the year.

You know when you're reading a good book. I mean a really good book, the kind of book that you sit down to read, and you can't help but start the next chapter, as you're dying to find out what happens next. The kind of book that even though you can sense it's getting late, you can't stop yourself from reading the next page. The kind where you suddenly arrive at last page, and realize that you should probably get up an shower as you have to leave for work in ten minutes. Well, if The Departed was a book, it would be that kind of book.

Not that that matters to you, you illiterate fool. (Wait...I don't think you're allowed to make illiterate jokes in print form.)

Honestly, it was sooooo intense. I had a couple of napkins in my hands and by the end of the movie I had clutched my fists for so long that they were little paper cubes. (I think I was subconsciously trying to make energon cubes, You know, to save the autobots)

Now, I'm not saying I've seen more movies than you, unless your name is Jon, but I've seen my fair share of movies, and can usually could pick a couple of scenes that could have been left on the cutting floor in any movie I choose to critique. (Like every scene in Crossroads other than the one where she comes out of the bathroom on prom night) But there is not a thing I would change in this movie.

I wouldn't even change the fact that somebody cast Leonardo DiCraprio in this movie. Turns out, he can actually act. I think it's the first time I've watched him in a movie and not wanted to toss a junior mint through his face on screen. (I think I actually did when he tried to pull of that tardy kid in Gilbert Grape)

Anyway. The movie was stellar, go check it out.

If you're name is Jon, I've seen more movies than you....plus one.

JargonBear makes a rare public appearance

2006-10-14T16:08:00.000-06:00

Damded Paparazzi,

A bear can't make a discrete appearance with his super hot lady friend and not be photographed these days.

Sherry baby, I'm sorry. I know ever since our tape was leaked, I promised no unannounced camera's, but honestly this time I had nothing to do with it.

for Sheryl's publicist's cover up story, click here.

This is worth the wait!

2006-10-13T21:45:00.000-06:00

You know that feeling right after you flush the toilet and notice that the water level is rising just past that acceptable level? The one right at that point when you rip the tank cover off the toilet and slam the stopper back down in a vain attempt to save your feet from becoming surmerged in a puddle of fecal-urinal agua?

Well I imagine that's the feeling, multiplied by a gabillion, that Denis Hamel felt when he raised his head and realized he was in a world of trouble.

Check out the video here.

Honestly, this has to be the cleanest hardest hit I have ever seen in hockey.

Denis Hamel had less chance of staying off his back here than Paris Hilton in front of a night vision camera.

What's a Phaneuf anyway??

So.....about not posting.

2006-10-05T13:02:00.000-06:00

Some of you may have noticed we haven't posted in a while. One of you might have even cared. I have finally decided to come clean. I was not posting because;

1. Work. That stuff I do wayyyy too much of to earn wayyyy too little of the green green stuff that helps me to pay my bills. Unfortunately as little as the hell that consumes my weekdays, (and increasingly more or my weeknights, and even weekends) contributes to my financial independence, it still contributes 100% more than this blogging gig. (I would have put 110% but people that make that statement make me want to stick a frozen flag pole in their rectum)

Speaking of getting paid....Those two links on the right ad bar. The Halloween one and the Betting one, aren't there just for fun. The Halloween one has some sweet costumes. Click on it, pick one up and maybe this year you'll be invited to a halloween party, and not be the loser dressed as a doctor.

And while you're at it. Start a betting account. Online betting is way less intimidating than dealing with Vladimir from the back room downtown at the Cecil.

Hurry up. I haven't eaten in 2 days and am getting pretty frail......

2. I’ve had a super busy week trying to stalker proof my home. Ever since Eva Longoria broke up with that Parker Turd I’ve had my security detail working over time as she’s bound to rear her not so ugly face any second. Oh by the way, my security detail involves the dog that lives at my house. That’s right, it’s not even my dog. And if she were to break in, the odds are 900 to 1 that all the attack dog does is sniff her bum. (coincidentally, odds are 5 to 1 of me doing the same)

3. Oh ya, I went whale spotting. You might think that whale hunting in suburban north America would lead to some disappointing results, but it turns out whales make inland road trips. In this case the whale and her entourage made a concert pit stop in C.A. Contrary to my belief I knew a lot more Mariah Carey songs than I originally thought. She’s one popular whale, that for some reason feels it’s appropriate to wear a bra and labia enhancing hot pants as an all day outfit. Don’t get me wrong, in a normal circumstance I’m all for it, but not when you look like you’re a Macy’s day float than has been inflated 25% too much. I saw her thighs come out on stage and I though I was at rendition of Lord of the Rings the Broadway Musical and she was playing an ent!!

(I tried to find a picture of an ent to post here, but it is surprisingly difficult to find good photo's of fictional species' who have tree trunks for legs.)

gB has not been posting because.......

I don't really know.

I did notice that Dustin Diamonds sex tape came out about the same time as he stopped posting. I guess it's hard to type with only one hand.

Fighting with the Stars!

2006-10-05T11:49:00.000-06:00

Round 1:
Katie Holmes beats up Tom Cruise – She is ruined. Nobody will consider her for a role (they barely will consider her looney husband), he’s demanding she work off the extra 10lbs from having a baby, he’s super short, and by the way he might be gay and he believes in Aliens living in a Volcano as his religion. That’s some kind of crazy.

Round 2:
Shana Moakler knocks out Paris Hilton – Oh wait, this did happen, 2 nights ago, for real. I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say “WELL DONE! And who are you again?”

Round 3:
Sienna Miller hits Jude Law with her Volkswagen Van – Why? Cause he boffed the nanny, has a terrible haircut, and generally sucks. And she’s super hot and stuff. Like, y’know?

Round 4:
Jennifer Aniston detonates the plane carrying Vince Vaughn, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – USA Today reports today…..(that sounded awkward..) that Vince and Jen have broken up, proving in fact that Brad was using him to help slowly put out the fire over his possible cheating with new arm candy Angelina. Turns out she hasn’t even bought a foreign kid for almost 6 months now….which must mean…..

Round 5:
The Queen deports Madonna - Tell Madonna she’s late (and dumb) since the newly British pop star decided to jump on the latest faze of purchasing children from poor countries. Does this African kid now have to learn the accent too?

Round 6:
Jessica Biel body slams me in a vat of jello – Cause that would be freaking awesome

gB

By the Power of Grey Skull, Rachel Bilson has the POWER!!!

2006-10-04T21:58:00.000-06:00

Humpday Update #5

Sorry for the late update, but I did squeeze it in under the wire. And to be fair Rachel and I had a little issue that resulted in her being a little late herself. Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean.

So, I’m a bit surprised Ms. Bilson has not made the HD club by now, but thought I would correct the problem. What’s not to like. She was a lock! A couple seasons ago she would have been the premier HD candidate, but the OC has gone down hill just about as fast as Bodie Miller. Who’s Bodie Miller? He’s a member of the American downhill ski team that enjoys making his runs while drunk. (Super Champ) Bodie Miller is to skiing what Rachel Bilson is to being ridiculously hot. She takes it to a completely new level. She’s absolutely perfect.

If she offered me one night with her, and all I had to give up was;

My dignity
My friends
My family
My cabbage patch kid collection
My status as the coolest kid on the block because I have Castle Grey Skull complete with Skeletor, He-man, Man at Arms and Cringer/Battle Cat.
And My Optimus Prime Transformer,

I would deem it a bargain and would consider it the best eight seconds of my life.

If you disagree, I deem you the biggest Teabag on earth!!

Jb

Previous Humpday Updates

Humpday #4

Humpday #3

Humpday #2

Hello Hockey Fans, TV watchers, Sports critics, and general Malcontents

2006-10-03T15:17:00.000-06:00

Hey kids,

Been awhile hasn't it. We felt it was necessary for you all to feel the hurt of Jargonbear not being around for a few days so that you really appreciate it now that its back. And our stupid "day jobs" have really been putting a damper on things. But on to bigger and better things that we have missed out on....

- Aaron Carter decides it's a bad idea to marry the older girl his brother already slept with. Good thinking, imagine how thanksgiving would have been ...."Hey Nick, pass the mashed potatoes.....oh, what's this....a pair of my new wife's panties you have been hiding since you decided to dump her.......that's awesome...thanks bro. "
- Anna Nicole Smith's son dies, two dudes fight over paternity of new kid, she gets married, sells pictures for money, and has anybody discovered a law that makes it illegal for sloths to procreate yet? Cause she would be doing life.
- Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban claim they both thought of calling off the wedding. Consensus....nobody gives a crap. Except Russell Crowe, but he was too busy throwing excrement and assaulting handicapped children for not asking for his autograph to provide a comment.
- Baseball playoffs start. Most people request more info on Kidman/Urban wedding than baseball scores.
- Your very own gB attended the Queen of England Elton John's concert recently with FEMALE companion. Fears of "catching the gay" unsubstantiated.
- Work still sucks
- Kevin Federline still a piece of white trash with zero contribution to society - 6 Guys in Lab Coats have gone on record to say "If Anna Nicole and K-Fed ever hook up, we might as well let the North Koreans have America"...
- Submitted hockey pool picks last night, already disapointed.
- Dane Cook hosted the season premiere of Saturday Night Live, I made it about 16 minutes longer than I usually do into this show before trying to find re-runs of the L-Word, still hardly impressed.
- Found re-runs of the L-Word............I lasted about 13 minutes less than Saturday Night Live did on my TV screen....
- The "Varsity Blues" tv version starts tonight....no sign of James VanDerGeek. Thank God.
- Saw an episode of "Stump the Schwab" on ESPN, realized how much I detest sports commentators like Stuart Scott. Got me to thinking about how much I detest Chris Collinsworth, John Madden, Randy Cross, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, Skip Bayless, and Joe Buck. But Joe Buck is the worst. You hear me Buck? The worst!

Anyway, the leprechaun I keep around to hit stupid people with bottles is taking a nap, exhausted from a busy day's work involving Star Jones, Rosie O'donell, Alex Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, the gay guys from Amazing Race, Jake Gyllenhall and Jude Law so I'm going to make a sandwich.

gB

Beckinsale at the beach

2006-09-27T10:40:00.000-06:00

So, it's Wednesday, and we all know what that means.

It's the moment all five of our readers have been waiting for with baited breath for almost an entire week. That's right it's the Hump Day Update #4.

For this weeks post we will be going to the beach. Why? Because the beach is one of those spectacular wonders of nature, that can barely be improved upon. That is, unless you add to it another natural miracle. In this case Kate Beckinsale.

Man did somebody get this one right. Kate's absolutely perfect. Seriously, Underworld is a pretty much porn. Show me a man who can make it throught that movie without "it" moving and I'll show you a Clay Aiken fan.

Kate is so far up on the definitely hump list that I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one taking pictures for google earth.

Jb

P.S. Kate's hotter than your wife/girlfriend/sister/mom etc.

Previous Humpday's

Humpday #3

Humpday #2

Humpday #1

STOP THE PRESSES

2006-09-26T09:41:00.000-06:00

Life Style Extra from the UK states:

- Scarlett Johansson was terrified before having her first Brazilian wax, it has been reported. Insiders say the 'Black Dahlia' actress - who booked in to New York's Oasis Day Spa recently - was "a nervous wreck" before stripping off for the potential painful beauty treatment, according to the New York Post newspaper.When the gorgeous blonde removed her clothes, a source revealed: "The waxing crew couldn't stop admiring her body."

This is the kind of event that will bring peace to the Middle East.

If the Pope would stop screwing it up…..

gB

I can’t hear you because so many angels are singing….

Grey's Anatomy premieres

2006-09-25T18:42:00.000-06:00

So here I am sitting on the couch feeling sick, eating a banana and watching Grey’s anatomy off my PVR. Grey’s anatomy make’s me feel a little less sick. What a gorgeous show!

Speaking of Grey’s anatomy, speaking of gorgeous, all I can think about right now is how badly I want one of Izzie’s muffins. She was baking all episode and I think her muffin would be absolutely delicious. Mmmmmuffin… I’m sure we can all agree that Issie’s muffins are perfectly shaped, perfectly moist, perfectly scrumptious. I just want to unwrap that muffin and dive right in. I may even lend her my banana so she can put it in her muffin.

Jb

Issie's muffin dominates your muffin

UPDATE!!!!!!

2006-09-25T16:26:00.000-06:00

OK, so it’s been a while since the last update. We were on vacation. Or drunk. Had food poisoning? Our dogs ate our keyboards. The server was down. In jail. Locked in the basement. Surfing. In a meeting. Relaxing with a Thai hooker. Whatever you like, regardless, we’re back now and you haven’t been told what to do for a few days so check out our latest offering in our music world.

75 random songs to download today, in no particular order of importance, they’re all that good…..

1. Ordinary World – Duran Duran
2. Bringing on the Heartbreak – Def Leppard
3. Ruby Soho – Rancid
4. Bobcaygeon – The Tragically Hip
5. Bitch Please III – feat. DMX, Xzibit, Eminem, Ja Rule, Dr Dre, Snoop
6. Everyday – Dave Matthews Band
7. In this Life – Chantal Kreviazuk
8. Dosed – Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. Your Wildest Dreams – Moody Blues
10. No Control – Bad Religion
11. Fade to Black – Metallica
12. Release Yo’ Delf – Method Man
13. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd
14. Let Down – Radiohead
15. Bat Out of Hell – Meatloaf
16. Holiday in Cambodia – Dead Kennedys
17. One Piece at a Time – Johnny Cash
18. Nice Legs Shame About the Face – Monks
19. Little Red Corvette – Prince
20. Ring – Dino Martinis
21. John the Revelator – Depeche Mode
22. The Hand that Feeds – Nine Inch Nails
23. Eye – Smashing Pumpkins
24. Loverboy – Billy Ocean
25. Given to Fly – Pearl Jam
26. City of Angels – The Distillers
27. No Sugar Tonight – The Guess Who
28. My Michelle – Guns and Roses
29. Peace Frog – The Doors
30. Peaceful Day – Pennywise
31. The Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin
32. The Distance – Cake
33. Take me Home, Country Roads – John Denver
34. Sunday Morning – No Doubt
35. Fallen Angel – Poison
36. I Remember You – Skid Row
37. I Was Made for Lovin You – KISS
38. Where’s your Mom? – Chixdiggit
39. It’s Hard for me to Say I’m Sorry – Chicago
40. Stay in the Light – Honeymoon Suite
41. Velocity – Face to Face
42. Separate Ways – Journey
43. Shake Your Foundations – AC/DC
44. Mind Over Matter – Ice T
45. E-Bow the Letter – REM
46. Cracklin’ Rosie – Neil Diamond
47. Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon – Urge Overkill
48. I Will Follow – U2
49. Listen to your Heart – Roxette
50. Mack the Knife – Bobby Darin
51. Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction
52. I Held her in my Arms – Violent Femmes
53. I Want You – Bob Dylan
54. Mystify – INXS
55. Dirty Magic –Offspring
56. Cheap Seats – Alabama
57. Perfect Situation – Weezer
58. Never Had a Dream Come True – S Club 7
59. I Touch Myself – The Divinyls
60. Love is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar
61. Because the Night – 10,000 Maniacs
62. Runaway – Bon Jovi
63. Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
64. Faith – George Michael
65. Call me Al – Paul Simon
66. Sexx Laws – Beck
67. Bizarre Love Triangle – New Order
68. Good Enough – Sarah Mclachlan
69. Don’t Dream it’s Over – Crowded House
70. Lyin’ Eyes – Eagles
71. Ground Control to Major Tom – David Bowie
72. Run to the Hills – Iron Maiden
73. I Can Still Make Cheyenne – George Strait
74. California Love – Tupac/Dr Dre
75. London Calling – The Clash

If you don’t like at least 37 of these songs then you should go out and buy a Backstreet Boys cd. Open it slowly, so you don’t scratch the case. Remove the disc. Then use the disc to slowly cut your wrists because you suck so much.

gB

Who's the Boss?

2006-09-21T10:23:00.000-06:00

Anybody out there who is looking for a little supervision in their life, almost like a conscience but way cooler, should hire me for the role of Chief Executive Officer of Common Sense. Every day I see people make astoundingly poor decisions concerning their lives, careers, etc. I just want to help out. For a fee of course. Nothing is free – that’s your first lesson. Here are some more examples of questions you may ask yourself that I could then answer and save the day…..

- “Should I wear these white socks with sandals?”
Answer: You are a moron, if it is cold enough for you to contemplate wearing socks then you should not consider wearing sandals. No exceptions.

- “Are these black jeans good enough for the wedding this weekend?”
Answer: Is the wedding being performed at Green Acres Campsite and RV Pads? If not then I would hit you with a frying pan. Have the courtesy to wear at least khakis with a collared shirt. It’s not 1987. Better even to have a tie, then you can tie it around your forehead and people will understand when you spill your drink on the bride while trying to kiss her.

- “Should I wear a condom?”
Answer: Tough call. You see regular common sense would dictate that yes, you should, since you really don’t want to be walking around with VD. That being, said, there’s definitely a case to made for the fact that your mug ain’t pleasing the ladies so much so you should take it when you can get it.

- “Aren’t these vanity plates cool?”
Answer: I would not answer you with words, but with a backhand slap to the left cheek. Seriously, everybody hates these, nobody understands whatever personal reference you are trying to imply. Unless it says ‘ASSMAN’, that was cool, but it’s been done. Then I would slap you again.

- “Do sweatpants count for casual Friday?”
Answer: Yes, if you are the DJ at a nudie bar. If not, how on earth did you get a job?

- “Should my team sign a goalie to a 15 year, $67.5 million guaranteed contract even though he has no playoff success record, and I still need help at about 14 other positions and need to do it under a salary cap…?”
Answer: Dear Mr. Wang (owner of the NY Islanders) – you clearly have no business owning a professional sports team, you should get into baseball. I hope the other owners tar and feather you at the annual general meeting. Great name though…….

Feel free to send in your comments and questions to the JargonBear and I will assess your situation and provide my professional advice to your dilemma.

gB

Rachel Makes the Hump Day Club

2006-09-20T11:53:00.000-06:00

Hump DAy Number 3

It’s Hump Day! I don’t have a lot of time to post as I’m on my way out of town for a conference. I had a quick trip down memory lane to try and find a girl from my past who was hump worthy. I must admit I was a bit gun-shy at doing this because I had been burned so many times in the past. Like that super cute girl that was in your grade two class you had a crush on, but she ended up moving to another school. Almost every time I run in to that girl fifteen years later, turns out she’s bre-X’d. You know, tanked, crashed, ballooned or just plain turned Fugly.

Now this brings me to S club Rachel. Rachel was hot enough to be a legitimate excuse for watching S Club Seven, (I watched for Rachel you watched so you could perfect the jumping air sign Seven) however I approached with my usual reserved attitude when I took it upon myself to look her up.

Well, looks like me and fate are even. Rachel is as hot as ever, and makes up for any disappointment from my past. She kind of gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Hear that Rachel, it’s fate.

Call me

Jb

Hump DAy 2
Hump Day 1

DNA, Clonings and the American Way

2006-09-20T00:46:00.000-06:00

Do you know who that is in the first pic? It’s Polly. The world’s first genetically engineered sheep. Remember her? I don’t know how old she would be, maybe eight, ?(what's that is sheep years?) but the point is, mankind has found a way to recreate DNA and make a clone of a living animal. Pretty impressive stuff. Don’t you think? Oh you don’t. You think that opening that beer bottle with your teeth is impressive. Huh. Well, you’re right, but this is pretty neat too….

Not only do we have the ability to create something from scratch that is 100% alike to another living organism, but we can actually change things in mid life to resemble other living organisms. Now the genetic make-up will not be identical as in the Polly example but I think we can all agree that Ashley looks a lot better and a lot more similar to Jessica, than she used to.

Now, the point of all this is…

Smarter people than you have found some pretty ingenious ways to do some fairly amazing things but I’m supposed to believe the best way to dry my hands in a public place is to hold them under some piece of sh!% hot air box for about 14 minutes? I think the only reason my hands get remotely dry is from the fumes coming from my face as I rage at the ineffectiveness of those mechanical failures. The Asian team can make coconut MP3 players and we can’t produce something effective to dry off our hands!? UNACCEPTABLE! (note the unadulterated outrage being described through the use of the caps lock button).

Really, can we do something about this? I’m tired of walking out of public restrooms and having to wipe my hands on my sweatpants. It raises the risk of just getting the boogers back on my fingers. And that is just obscene.

Jargonbear

and while you’re at it, find a way to make baseball vaguely entertaining.

Scooby Doobie Doo

2006-09-19T14:47:00.000-06:00

On September 12 (last week) Justin Timberlake released an apparently anticipated new album called “FutureSex/LoveSounds” which included his big summer single release “SexyBack”.

I for one would like to know which “Sexy” Justin is bringing back. Is it the “Sexy” that:

-had him prancing around in sleeveless shirts with 4 (one confirmed, three pending) asstronauts in training?

-or the one where he had a perm?

-was when he started dating a woman 22 years older than him who looks like a train wreck on crystal meth

-or does he just mean he has a “Sexy” back?

Anyone know some teenagers with a talking dog that can get to the bottom of this mystery?

gB

Editors Note: No pictures will accompany this post in recognition of the literacy problem that is rampant in this country. Plus our research department is having a huge bash right now, I heard that Vicki from Accounting is already dancing on a table.

Words of Wisdom

2006-09-19T11:33:00.000-06:00

Confuscious says:

"Man who goes to sleep with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger......"

Well, that would explain it...............

gB

Fergie's Duchess Drops Today!!

2006-09-18T23:35:00.000-06:00

I have to apologize in advance. I will not be able to post today. Fergie has a new album that drops today, “Duchess”, and having got a taste of what she has to offer with chart toppers like London Bridge, I know there will be a ridiculous line up.

I’m pretty sure that animal could have put out a better disk than this even without a hand puppeteering him. That’s right, a limp lifeless chunk of fur could make music that I would rather listen to. That’s not to say that Animal didn’t have talent. He was by far the coolest muppet. Come to think of it, I bet Animal would be better in bed. I’m sure most of the time Fergie was just laying there half conscious waiting for it to end so bitz would get paid! By the way, that’s not gay because animal was never confirmed as a dude and I said I bet, not he was.

Jb

Other album’s dropping today;

I just checked and save yourself the four seconds. Nothing worth picking up, other than maybe

lullaby renditions of Pink Floyd

GI (gastrointestinal) Joe

2006-09-18T15:59:00.000-06:00

Had a Starbucks coffee today. Then I barfed. And I’m not even a super model. Anymore. But that’s beside the point. Starbucks coffee is gross. Beyond gross. In fact, if I put some molasses in a cup, added a drop of vinegar, spit some chewing tobacco into it twice, and then topped it off with a hint of gasoline, I believe I would have a better cup than Starbucks has to offer.

And yet there is a Starbucks on every corner throughout your city with people lining up to pay $4.00 for a double mocha grande half-latte reverse cappucini with a hint of lime. Are you people retarded? Are you so beaten down by major corporations and movie star publicity shots that you completely give up on your own sense of taste?

Speaking of poor taste, you know who drinks Starbucks - Ben Affleck, that’s who. And you know what he does. Nothing. But you also pay $10.50 every time one of his big screen atrocities comes to town. In fact, you probably almost cry into your coffee cup every time you watch Armageddon and Bruce Willis switches spots with Ben Affleck to save the world and everybody’s yelling and crying……………………hang on a sec I have something in my eye……………..

gB

Someone should tell this homeless dude his newspaper is upside down.....

Remember Hanson. MmmmmBop!!!

2006-09-18T11:35:00.000-06:00

Hanson #2 is trying to spawn a kid band of his own.

People magazine reports;

“Taylor Hanson, the middle brother in the band Hanson, and his wife, Natalie, have welcomed their third child, a son, the band announced on its official Web site.”

Mmmmm Bop!!! I can’t quite put my finger on what’s the most surprising part of this story. Is it?

I still remember who this lunchbox is?
That this wash up isn’t living on the streets letting people piss on him for their spare change?
That buddy isn’t putting from the rough?

Jb

Even if I can’t tell which one is most surprising, I think we can all agree that news that this little pukes kid brother, I think he was the drummer, is in Dubai working as M.J.’s personal ASSistant is the least shocking. Ping! did you hear that ping? That's the sound I make after I've just made something up.

I just realized that dude's head is huge! Seriously, look at the pic. His head is twice the size of his wife's. They're so close in the picture due to the gravitational field created by his noggin. PING!

Jessica Biel has a Snake in her Mouth

2006-09-18T10:24:00.000-06:00

I don’t usually post pictures that don’t do people justice. This picture definitely doesn’t do Jessica Biel justice as the stunning beauty she really is, but it does have a purpose. It would explain this.

Jb

Lucky girl….

That's better.

Lindsay Lohan Rushed to Hospital

2006-09-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan was rushed to hospital after breaking her left wrist at a fashion week party. She was attending an event at blah blah blah… Not really what I’m concerned about.

I really just want to know if she’s left or right handed. I figure if she’s naturally left handed her income will drop by about eighty percent until the hand is healed. There’s no way she’ll be able to earn as much crack with her off hand. (H.J.’s for crack?)

Jb

Every cloud has a silver lining. Once she’s all healed up she’ll be much more ambidextrous, and possibly be able to fluff guys double time, which will no doubt allow her to be railed by at least twice as many dudes.

If you don’t get the fluff reference you may need to check out this link.

Pirates Hits $1B Worldwide

2006-09-17T22:22:00.000-06:00

The second installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest broke the One Billion Dollar mark world wide this week. It is only the third movie all time to do so, the other two being; Titanic and The Lord of the Rings, Return of the King.

I would like to personally congratulate Keira Knightley on the achievement. So Keira, give me a shout, and I’ll spring for an ice cream or something.

Jb

My real motivation for this post was to share with all of you this picture that K.K. sent me.

Amazing Race 10 Premieres

2006-09-17T20:59:00.000-06:00

Sunday saw the premiere of the latest installment of the Amazing race. I think it’s amazing race 64. Whatever, here’s my pre-race team comments.

Brown team – Would have a better chance of winning if someone would just arrange it. (Arranged marriage joke, no? didn’t work? Hey I never asked you to read it)

Hicks – David and Marie. Met working at McDonald’s! Looking forward to a dentist visit if they win. Hey, who’s watching their 13 kids? Ah who cares, they’re probably better off without their parents anyway.

Black team – Look for this team to make up a lot of ground at pitstops. They should be used to having other people make them do work.

Cheerleaders – Kellie and Jamie. It’s already been broughten. Hot girls never win, but the producer keeps them around a while for ratings. Look for them to exit at about the 4 teams left mark.

Muslims –Do you think these two are gonna get through security in even half the airports they visit? Odds to win 2.4 million to 1.

Peter and Sarah – Sarah is missing a leg. They’re both Iron man competitors, and they only need to carry 75% of the body the other teams need to carry? Looks like a lock. 5 – 1 to win unless one of the other teams steal her prosthetic leg. Look for them to kill in the three legged race pit stop.

Miss America – Dustin and Candice. Lost at miss America pageant, look for the trend to continue. Maybe after losing again they’ll agree to be in Big Brother seventy eight or the surreal life so I can watch them sleep. (Did you get the; I’m creeped out shivers? Hey, Creepy is the new cool) Tenth runner up.

All the other teams – Didn’t make enough of an impression to deserve a comment. Plus they’re all gay. Some Gay dudes, ex-druggies turned life partner models, estranged father – lesbian daughter.

The first episode includes a plot twist where a team is eliminated mid race resulting in the Muslim team being eliminated. All the other teams pay lip service by saying they’re so sad, they were such nice people, but you could plainly see everyone breathe a sigh of relief. Coincidentally, it was at this point in the episode that all the teams abandoned the mandatory 100 meter buffer around other teams’ vehicles.

Jb

Make cash with the JargonBear

2006-09-16T12:12:00.000-06:00

In my eternal effort to bring my vast sport knowledge to the masses, I have decided to begin the $100 sports betting experiment. Sometimes my skills of divination are called in to question by mere mortals, so I have decided to put them in to real terms, cold hard cash terms.

I am going to start with a bank roll of $100, and be letting you in on exactly what games and outcomes I will be betting on. I will be posting weekly updates as to my balance, which is sure to skyrocket. No kidding, I sometimes have to bet under an alias because the bookies fear the sound of my voice.

So, Week 1

All bets on ProLine (A Canadian government betting system)

Game 77 Arizona hosts Seattle - Tie (Less than 4 points difference)
Game 79 San Fran hosts St. Louis - Tie
Game 84 Cleveland hosts Cincinnati - Cincinnati to win
Game 85 Houston hosts Indianapolis - Indy to win

So, I’m betting $10. The potential payout if all 4 games are correct is, $198.00
I’ll see you next week when my bank roll has increased to $300.

Jb

Proline has 3 odds for each game. A home number, away number, and a tie number.
You essentially bet on which outcome you believe will occur. You can bet on anywhere from 3 to 6 games. You need to get each game correct to be paid. If all games are correct, it multiplies each games odds by your bet, and pays you out. Well maybe not you, but definitely me.

Black Dahlia opens today

2006-09-15T16:08:00.000-06:00

So for a couple of weeks now it has been reported that in Scarlett Johanssen’s new film, The Black Dahlia, Scarlett gets busy in a manner that would make sailors blush. From the moment I read it I was like a six year old child who had just seen a commercial during Saturday morning cartoons a couple weeks before Christmas for the new Optimus Prime. No kidding, I was just giddy with excitement and wouldn’t let my mom and dad hear the end of it.

So, today was the day I had been crossing off days on the calendar in anticipation of and let me tell you;

It was like dad got laid off and I got a second hand Starscream instead.

Seriously, the scene was such a let down. I don’t know who started this hype, but if I find out and I come across their path, they better hope I don’t have an ice pick in my pocket. Honestly, Paris Hilton has better sex scenes saying hello to the neighbor’s dog.

Now I’m sad and off to look up pictures of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a boat or out of a car. (I know you’ve seen the pictures, I must admit much more nicely manicured than expected….)

As for a movie review, I give it a – Jack in the Box. Not a bad premise, slightly retro, everything worked as it should, but really didn’t do too much for me. However I can promise you the critics in the corner are saying that was the most excitement they’ve had in years and are ready to give it the toy of the year award!

Jb

I don’t want to be extreme here, but God, you owe me one.

Apology Accepted

2006-09-15T15:58:00.000-06:00

Ok God, we're even!

Jb

Yes that's Jessica Biel, and yes she's getting hotter by the minute.

Wee Wie

2006-09-15T14:37:00.000-06:00

Following Jb’s in depth investigative journalism last week about Michelle Wie, readers will be pleased to know that during today’s second round of the 84 Lumber Classic, Lady Wie has posted the enviable score of 81. Not to be confused with the also atrocious 77 she shot yesterday. Miss Wie currently sits in LAST PLACE AGAIN in this men’s PGA event, seemingly a common storyline for this situation.

When reached for comment Wie told me “Well, 84 Lumber Classic is a stupid tournament name anyway.”

I of course began to breathe heavily and then said in a high pitched voice “You wan cheecken flied lice!?!”.

Bear = 1
16 year old girl = 0

gB

“Talks to Angels”……

2006-09-15T11:44:00.000-06:00

Since today is Friday and it has the same ending as Wednesday which was Hump Day here is another candidate for the world famous I Would/Would not hump day competition.

Ms Kate Hudson.

TMZ.com reports that Kate is still frolicking in Hawaii. Though other reports have stated she may be in the company of Owen Wilson (I know I’m “Jealous Again”), at least she got rid of that aging hippie, neckbearded Chris Robinson (you know, he’s in that awful band who has those awful songs from that awful album in 1990 that all your nerdy high school friends bought cause the store was sold out of “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt’em” – man, you guys sucked “Twice as Hard” as the band geeks).

Regardless, it is quite clear from this picture that I WOULD with Kate. Definitely. I’d even let her spank me with that oar while I sang “Hard to Handle” in an awful voice. If she were to “Shake her Moneymaker” for me all night, it would certainly be the “Remedy” I have been looking for these last 3 years…

gb

Editors Note: If you haven’t noticed how I juxtaposed the names of some of the Black Crowes crappy songs into this story by now, then you probably don’t know what Juxtaposed means so forget it. Retard.

Lukas Rossi is a Champ

2006-09-15T11:41:00.000-06:00

It is being reported that shortly after being declared the winner of Rock Star Supernova, Lukas Rossi was making his way from the after party to the club for the post after party with one of his new Supernova band members Tommy Lee, when her ditched his Girlfriend. Wow what a champ.

Seriously, can you imagine how hard it would be to ditch your girl just because you’re about to rocket to fame? It must be a tough decision, I mean it’s obvious she’s gonna weigh you down like an anchor, but beyond that, she’s just going to be disappointed when you bring anywhere from three to nine girls home on Friday night. Sure she’ll pretend it’s alright, and play along for a bit, but we all know she’ll be little miss grumpy pants when no one’s paying attention to her hole needs.

I applaud his decision, and quite frankly it has inspired me.

Britney, You’re cut.

I’m out!

Jb

I think Lukas deserves hero cookie number 2.

The Real Fantasy Football

2006-09-14T14:38:00.000-06:00

I’d like to speak to you all about something important and truly dear to my heart. Something that perhaps we take for granted on a regular basis and I find that very unfortunate. We have members of society among us who diligently work to improve our lives, with no regard to their own safety, egos or general well being. I truly believe it is important for us to stand up and recognize the importance these people play in the shaping of our dreams and visions.

I’m talking, of course, about Cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders are always smiling. That should be enough. But they also offer us halftime shows. How could you possibly make football better? Cheerleaders, that’s how. Ever need to know what day of the month it is? Well bust open you’re shiny new Cheerleader calendar my friend and they provide the answer. Who’s always available for an early death/gratuitous nudity scene in the latest horror flick? You know who. I bet if you put 30 cheerleaders in a locked room for 24 hours they come out with a cure for something. Maybe just a cure for that 4 hour Viagra side effect, but still a cure.

Moment of silence please……

What are you hiding under there....?

Go! Charge! Yeah! Ummmm!

A sincere thank you, from my dreams, my left hand, my cable subscriber, and internet junkies everywhere.

Thanks to random people, other sites, and Google Images for the pics…….

Bobby Brown's New Girl

2006-09-13T15:54:00.000-06:00

By now you must have heard that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are on the rocks. Well, TMZ reports that this may be the reason why. Karrine Steffans. (On the left)

You know how I know this relationship will work? Because it looks like she's already covering up two black eyes. Bobby can get his smack on, and the girl won't look any different. Who cares if Bobby's Favorite colors on a girl are Black and Blue with a hint of yellow.

It's his perogative.

Jb

about the picture. I know it appears to say wire image on the bottom, but my good friend bixente said it was legit. I believe him cuz, he's going to be on survivor.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck in Humpday number two.

2006-09-13T08:39:00.000-06:00

This week’s hump day is dedicated to Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s that she looks like a cross between my first baby sitter and my second grade teacher, both of whom I had an almost disturbing crush on. Actually to tell you the truth, I have not idea what either of them looked like, because Liz has been playing their role in ever dream I've had about them since 2001. I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since being introduced to her as a barramundi tribe member in the Australian outback. I was seriously addicted to that show back then.

(Insert your own joke here about barramundi. i.e.: I’d like to burry my mundi in her, See her mundi, blah blah blah…)

Seriously, it was as if Survivor was the antidote. I could not get enough, and it was entirely due to Liz. (Gonna post a Steve Irwin joke here, but, too soon and off side)

Now a days she makes her living sitting in on the view. I find her just humpable enough to sometimes check in on the goings on at the View. It’s kind of an emotional gamble when I do so however. Depending on what the camera is picking up at any given moment I feel like a;

Giraffe
Monkey’s tail
Egyptian Sphinx
Turtle

In case you haven’t picked up on it. I’m referring to my cash and prizes. (Dane cook reference)

Rosie O’Donnel makes it shrivel up like a dam turtle.
Barbara Walters makes it feel like a two thousand year old crumbling lump
Joy Behar makes it hang like a monkeys tail, no real opinion but still curious enough to leap in to action at any given moment.
Liz – Giraffe neck

Liz = Giraffe Neck = Humpable

Jb

To check out previous hump days number click here

Lululemon Athletica

2006-09-12T16:23:00.000-06:00

Was gonna post. Read gB's Post. It was Funny. Don't want to detract.
So.......
Lululemon Good. Yum. Like Scarlett Johansson. Yum Yum. All other clothes bad. Yuck. Like Rosie O'Donnell. Yuck Yuck.

SURVIVOR

2006-09-12T15:07:00.000-06:00

So Survivor is coming back on line for a new season in the Cook Islands. Normally, I wouldn’t care because I think that being on that show is about as tough as getting a pedicure. Boo hoo, a month away from home, beautiful beach, a nice tan, summer camp games and really, couldn’t we all stand to lose 10 pounds on a leaner diet? You’re mom could.

Anyway, the point of interest here is that the teams are now divided ethnically. The Chicago Tribune website says -

“For the 13th edition of the show, there will be an Asian-American team (which will include Lake Forest resident Jenny Guzon-Bae), an African-American team, a Hispanic team and a white team. Eventually the team members will unite to form diverse teams.”

Can’t we already see where this is going? The “white team” will be paying the Hispanic team $0.50 on the dollar to build their shelter for them, all the while complaining to the producers that they shouldn’t have to share their island with them. Then the Hispanic team would quit working and march on the tribal council demanding better wages and that even though they snuck onto the island and are participating illegally on the show, now that they have built a home and are doing work the past should be forgotten. While Jeff Probst is pondering the demands of the soon to be majority of southern California, the Asian American team has fashioned a solar powered straw automobile that helps them cruise the rest of the island, stockpiling supplies to create the world’s first coconut MP3 player.

I’d let you know what the African American team is doing but the Black Panthers just opened a new chapter in my city and I’d rather hide under the desk.

When enough players are eliminated, and the tribes merge, eventually someone will win. And then someone in America (Land of the Free…..) will start bitching about the person who won (who won't be white) and how it was all a fix from the beginning (cause it probably is). So really, once the thin girls who belong in bikinis have been eliminated, there’s really no point in watching anymore.

I learned all this by going to University. And from TV. Well mostly TV cause I was so hungover in University. And skipped a lot of classes. To drink more. Understand?

gB

Brad Pitt to Wed when U.S. allows Gay Marriage

2006-09-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

So, MSN reports that Brad Pitt is holding out for the United States to change the same sex marriage law before he ties the knot.
You can read the article here;

So, what I’m getting out of this is;

Brad Pitt may be a gay female. Seriously, you’re with what might be one of the most beautiful women on the planet, you have a family, albeit a mostly adopted family, (and who’s to say the mailman isn’t responsible for little Shiloh), and you are waiting for the same sex marriage law to change before sealing the deal???

I can’t remember the last time I was this suspicious of another bear. Oh wait, yes I can. It was that green pantsuit wearing Sunni. You know Sunni, she used to go bouncing here and there and everywhere. Something, something… high adventure that’s beyond compare…
Gummi Bears!!!!

No kidding that girl was headed for a lifetime of same gender lovin’. She didn’t stand a chance. Had the show ever had a visiting female bear they would have spent so much time “canoodling” that she would have immediately fallen in to a comatose state of hibernation never to arise until next spring when the gummi berries were ripe for the picking.

Jb

Man did I love that show! Seriously, up there with Transformers and Thundercats. Wayyyy above Inspector Gadget and Smurfs.

This Weekend's Movie Review

2006-09-11T09:06:00.000-06:00

So it's monday morning, and time for the weekend movie review.

Actually, who are we kidding. Nobody went to a movie this weekend.

According to IMDB.com the top ten movies did a cumulative $49M this weekend. That's all ten movies combined. That's not a bad opening for a movie, but that's a really crappy weekend for an industry.

When the second pirates film was released it did over $135M on it's own.

If I had to rate all the movies from this past weekend as halloween candy loot, they would all get a rating of Raisins. Seriously, who still gives out raisins. Why not just give me an apple? Sorry, back to the point;

Moral of this story?? I didn't see a movie this weekend because they all sucked. And there was way to much football to be watched. Let's not kid ourselves, you're not gonna miss the movie review anyway....

Jb

Fergie, had a Meth habit?

2006-09-11T08:59:00.000-06:00

TMZ reports that Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas, had a meth habit.

Fergie had a drug habit?
I almost fell off my chair when I read this. This isn’t news. You could tell this Maury Pobitch had a meth habit if you were looking at her from one hundred paces. You know, cuz it makes your face all creepy crawly and you scratch it up. In this case, her face barely looks human. It’s like she’s almost human, but there’s just something about her that makes her different. You know, like Oliphants are just different enough from Elephants to earn that unique Vowel.

I guess that means Fergie’s a homan!

Jb

Today’s post was brought to you by the letter O, the number 11 and references to the Lord of the Rings, Sesame street, and the maury pobitch comment from last nights simpsons.

UpDate****

I was just informed that the PoBitch slag was actually from the Family Guy episode. Oops, I have to admit, I may have kinda sorta been dozing off at that point. Writing a blog is hard work, and come Sunday night, it's a struggle to even keep my eyes open. Not to mention my side job as a SuperHero.

NFL Picks - Week One

2006-09-10T01:18:00.000-06:00

Please note, because this is week one, probably not wise to start throwing down what’s left of the farm against the spread. We at Jargonbear suggest picking straight winners (no spread) against people you know, then using that money to own the spread next week once you’ve had a chance to see the teams play. Not that we advocate gambling, it can wreck homes and ruin lives. But I bet you can’t not gamble this weekend……

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers – Mike Vick looks good on highlight films, too bad he hasn’t been seen on many in the past season. He’s a fantasy pool cancer so trade him if you can. The Panthers D should carry the game, even without Steve Smith Carolina will take this one.
Winner: Oh Carolina (but when you bet you have to say it in Shaggy’s fake reggae voice)

Baltimore Ravens at Tampa Bay Bucs – Chris Simms is still learning, but Cadillac Williams is ahead of the curve. The Ravens picked up Steve McNair to briefly solve the Kyle Boller experiment, but McNair is buyer beware and nobody bought the extended warranty. Lack of receiving core and overweight Jamal Lewis means the Swashbucklers take this one at home.
Winner: Tampa Bay (they have a boat built into the stadium, that’s cool…or gay.)

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots – You want to bet against Tom Brady at home vs. a bottom 3 offense from last year that made no significant changes this season? That’s why you’re broke.
Winner: Clam Chowder

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs – Toughest pick of the week, at least since I had the major “bat in the cave” on Tuesday. Carson Palmer looked good in preseason but what about for a whole game that means something. Larry Johnson will be on a mission to make everybody forget that Priest Holmes ever existed.
Winner: The Tabby Cats in a high scoring affair

Denver Broncos at St Louis Rams – You know those chocolate cakes that have the cream in the middle called Joe Louis? I love those things. I don’t know why I thought of that just now but it’s better than writing “I don’t know” for this analysis.
Winner: Horsepower outworks weak Rams D, but just barely….

New Orleans Saints at Cleveland Browns – Big time ground game, expect Bush to get more receptions than carries. Saints are used to playing on the road by now, but Charlie Frye will impress in home opener.
Winner – Browns (Fantasy surprise - Kellen Winslow makes it through game uninjured)

NY Jets at Tennessee Titans – Though possible to see all 3 Titan QB’s today, Jets squad not ready to beat the teenagers from Varsity Blues
Winner – People who didn’t pay to attend this game (or Titans)

Philadelphia Eagles at Houston Texans – First opportunity for fans to truly experience the idiocy of not drafting Reggie Bush. Mario Williams gets first career sack, then gets punched in the sack for letting Mcnabb torch them for 300 in the air and 110 on the ground.
Winner: Guy from chunky soup commercial (not Jerome Bettis, the other one)

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions - New offensive minded head coach and coordinator is good news for Lions, having crappy Jon Kitna to execute offense bad news for Lions. Shaun Alexander runs for 2 and Matt Millen still doesn’t get fired.
Winner: The Birds

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre throws 11 interceptions and the Bears D does what everybody says it will do.
Winner: JargonBears

Dallas Cowboys at Jacksonville Jaguars – TO grabs 11 balls for 106 yards and a score. The he grabs his balls and gets fined by the league. Jags put up decent effort but believe the hype, at least for this week.
Winner: America’s team (barf…)

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals – Boldin and Fitzgerald spend so much time racking up deep yards that 49ers completely forget about Edgerrin James and he punishes them from 10 yards out.
Winner: Barry Bonds cause nobody will be complaining about him for one day (Arizona)

Indianapolis Colts at NY Giants – Manning v. Manning. Game of the week on Sunday night. Great crowd, night game, and the kid from Deliverance has grown up to beat his slightly younger, slightly more retarded looking brother.
Winner: Dueling banjos everywhere (Peyton owns little bro, until the playoffs…)

Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins – Gotta get me one of them Viking boat parties going. Damn! Redskins preseason rust wears off, Brunell pulls it off in the 4th quarter.
Winner: Tolerance Lobby Groups. Monday night exposure lets them get back on the wagon for getting rid of Native American named sports teams. After the Skins win of course.

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders – Look for my super drunk buddy Ducklip in the cheap seats at this one. Can be identified by embarrassed wife sitting next to him. Brooks is awful. Don’t ever trust him. Randy Moss doesn’t.
Winner: Ladanian and Antonio (football players, or your waiters from the Blue Oyster?)

There it is, you heard it here first. We’ll keep a record of how we do this season so the jury has evidence as to why you lost all your worldly possessions.

gB

"C'mon Peyton, time for your nap...."

Rage Meter Part Deux

2006-09-10T00:20:00.000-06:00

7 – Tripping on a public staircase and looking around to make sure everybody else is pretending they didn’t see anything

22.4 – This rash that seems to be …………..nevermind

39 and a half – Flesh colored banana hammocks

Gretzky’s Jersey – My sausage fingers on my cell phone buttons

Gretzky’s Jersey + 6 – “Loosen up my Buttons” by Pussycat Dolls

Gretzky’s Jersey + Lemieux’s Jersey = Baseball still has about 209 regular season games left to play

372 – Skinny dogs (usually found unchained in yards with cars up on blocks)

1004 – T-roofs, Zubaz pants, fanny packs

17,043 – That bearded dude from the Canadian Tire commercials (who’s with me?)

Album of the week:

Depeche Mode – Violator (1990)

gB

.........About Friday

2006-09-09T20:16:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the lack of posts on Friday. I had a really busy day at work.
I know you're both crushed that I didn't post, and shocked that I need a real job, but blogging really isn't paying any bills. I don't know why I'm writing a post about this, I would be better served to just personally e-mail both our readers. I wouldn't use traditional mail as both of them are in Grenada.

Anyway,

Super busy Friday at work.....Man do I sometimes regret giving the beacon signal to the damded police.

Jb

I would promise to be more diligent in the future but both me and you're mom know I'm a terrible promise keeper. (To be fair this time it was barely half a sanchez)

Sharapova wins US Open

2006-09-09T20:03:00.000-06:00

Maria Sharapova won her second grand slam title this evening as she defeated Justine Henin-Hardene in the US Open final.

To Maria I say;

Congrats honey, I'm super pumped for you. Oh ya, could you pick up some milk on the way home. I think we're out. See you tonight. Luv you.

To Justine I say ;

Justine, I hope you learned your lesson. You're just not pretty enough. Sometimes I don't even think you're trying to be sexy.

Jb

This week in baseball

2006-09-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

Nothing happened. Apparently some kid named Dirty Sanchez threw a no-hitter and I am supposed to be impressed. What’s that you say, his name is Anibal not Dirty…..well that’s a girl’s name so take your pick.

Let’s analyze this more in depth. You have the Florida Marlins (70-69) and the Arizona Diamondbacks (65-74) playing probably what was their 8th game against each other in 3 days and these two portraits of mediocrity are still in the hunt for a playoff spot (3 games back, 8 games back respectively). That’s horrendous. They have each played 139 games so far. And neither are better than average. Can you imagine if the Denver Broncos played 139 games this year? 12 guys would be dead, 27 paralyzed, and 41 of them would have so much brain damage that they would start to make awful decisions like driving drunk, taking drugs, bringing guns to airports………..er, wait that last one is a bad example. Regardless, MLB has so far played the equivalent number of games of 8.7 NFL seasons. A full year is = 10.1 NFL seasons. Have you figured it out yet? BASEBALL IS NOT A SPORT.

Do you realize that in the case of this no-hitter, it’s entirely possible for 1 or more members of the winning team to have zero impact on the outcome of the game. Let’s say the Centerfielder struck out three times in his at bats, and the other team didn’t hit anything at him requiring him to stand still out there for 3 hours. That’s ridiculous. Can I get paid $4 mill a year for standing still?

Anyway, other happenings in the “game” this week include a plane crashing by being blinded by the glare off Barry Bond’s immense forehead, Kenny Rogers is not the soothing crooner I was thinking of, and Anna Benson said something slutty (her husband is a no name pitcher that nobody cares about so she smartly uses her huge breasts and mindless jibberjabber to help increase his star power and have teams pay him way more than he’s worth).

gB

How you doin'...........

2006-09-07T09:43:00.000-06:00

Today is Thursday. Nothing terribly significant about that. Except for the fact that today is reader response day! Seriously though, we at Jargonbear would like you the readership to pass along your best, worst, and most clever ideas, thoughts and general comments. That way, we can pick through the multitude of e-mails we get and post a few………….mock a few…….maybe steal a few and claim them as our own.

You see being handsome, brilliant, sophistamicated, and rock hard isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes we need to hear from the little people, the common folk if you will.

So write away readers, all 12 of you, let’s hear it.

jargonbear@hotmail.com

Do it. Now. Or else. We’ll feel empty and unfulfilled. You don’t want that do you?

gB/Jb

The Impossible Sit Up

2006-09-07T00:31:00.000-06:00

Is it even possible for one man to face a more crippling conflict in a lifetime? Am I forever cursed to deal with this raging inferno of self loathing that is upon me. What, you ask, could be so damning that I would pour out my feelings in a public forum like this?

Are you ready for it?

The new season of Laguna Beach started tonight. And I’m fresh from watching the late night re-run of he earlier broadcast that yes, I already watched as well.

You see Laguna Beach is a tender compilation of a bunch of things that I deplore in society and a healthy dose of things that I love.

To begin with, my hatred for pretentious rich kids who couldn’t form a thought if God whispered it in their ear and gave them some saran wrap to make it stick together is intense. The Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton’s of the world offer nothing and yet live in so much luxury that even Ghandi would appreciate a piece of that action. As would I. I love luxury. LOVE IT. I want the house on the beach, first class travel, and Egyptian cotton for toilet paper. And, in my defense I would think that my awesomeness alone should be enough to deserve such a lifestyle. Apparently not. But these kids from Laguna have it. Lots of it. And I’m so jealous my molars ache when I see it. So are you stating to see it yet……I hate them and I want to be them. 94% of you do too, the other 6% live in polygamy camps and have no access to TV yet.

Doesn’t it just make you cringe when you see their awful names on screen…..Kyndra, Kelan, Breaden, Lexie, Dieter, Trey, Lo, Talan. C’mon who names their children that? Can mine be Rex or maybe Ferguson the 3rd?

Can’t say I mind all the gratuitous bikini footage, but since they’re in high school I’ll end this sentence right now.

Watching their onscreen “chemistry” is enough to make me barf in my mouth. I have never ever heard such idiocy spewed in 30 minutes in my life. And keep in mind that they edit about 8months of filming into that 30 minute slot, so you’re really getting the best they have to offer. Seriously, do you think their parents consider emancipating themselves from their children after watching the show? Better yet has anyone considered punching me in the face before, during, or after I watched the season 1 and 2 marathons this weekend?

So anyway, after season 2 I didn’t think it could get any better/worse. I was quite sure that Jessica was dumber than Farah Fawcett on crack, Jason will be arrested for battery, Alex M will be a 300lb talk show host (ie: Ricki Lake?), Kristin will be doing Movie Central soft porn in 5 years, LC will win an Emmy for her third reality show called ‘I get everything by giving nothing” and if that venereal disease Stephen shows up again I’ll totally think about changing the channel.

Well boy was I wrong/right. Remember Cami from a brief appearance in Season 2, when she got ditched by Jason and looked like a total fool? Well she’s back. And I couldn’t be unhappier. She’s atrocious. And Cameron, (skinny guy with a fat face), well he’s already leading Jessica right back down the Jason path once more. What did George W Bush say “Fool me once……um….fool me twice……..uh…….won’t get fooled again?”. Nice work honey, hopefully you’re triple E twins will get you some work down the road cause…..oh never mind, I forgot, you’re loaded.

Anyway, we’re locked and loaded for a brand new year of dumbass silver spoons and all the drama that comes with. I know I’m ready. To kill myself. Right after the next episode of “The Hills”.

gB

Germany 13 - San Marino 0

2006-09-07T00:02:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh Zeee German’s

Finally someone has put a bit of a dent in the age old adage that there’s no crying in Soccer. No wait, the Italians do that every time they take the pitch (That’s footy speak for soccer field) I meant to say, that there’s no scoring in Soccer.

In a qualifying game for Euro 2008, (a tournament that is second only to the World Cup) Germany defeated San Marino 13 – 0.

Ok, when did Powerhouse European national teams start feeling the need to embarass little Spanish children?

San Marino? Who the hell is San Marino? Where the hell is San Marino? What the hell is San Marino?
A country you say.......

Foca that. (Foca is Spanish for Seal!)

Jb

Just Wikipedia’d San Marino – Third smallest European nation, Surrounded by Italy. (How many countries are hiding inside in Italy by the way?) And the Flag looks like this;

And of course should San Marino not be able to complete her reign as most obscure country, the second and third runners up will be waiting to step in and assume their duties. Who are 2nd and 3rd?

Seychelles and Nauru with honorable mention going to Tuvalu.

Andy Roddick in the Quarter Finals

2006-09-06T23:38:00.000-06:00

Been watching the US open of tennis? You should be because Andy Roddick’s on fire. The man’s playing like he’s been visiting Barry Bond’s trainer.

Or maybe he’s finally gotten over his split with Mandy Moore. I’d be willing to forgive him if it took him this long. Mandy’s not a girl you get over in a couple of days. No doubt someday Mandy’s gonna make an appearance on the right side of a hump day post.

Look for a Federer – Roddick Final, and if you didn't lose the earning portion of the farm on some earlier bad advice, put it on Roddick to pull off the big upset.

Jb

Hump Day!!!!

2006-09-06T15:48:00.000-06:00

Oh by the way it’s hump day. We are going to be bringing you a weekly feature on hump days. It will be a little post on someone we would like to, or would not like to, hump.
Today’s inaugural hump day post is brought to you by;

Beverly Mitchell

Beverly Mitchell is officially someone I would NOT like to hump. She has all the physical attributes of a humpable female, (two arms, two legs or any combination of four balanced appendages) however she is severely lacking in a couple mental aspects. She’s spent the last two decades starring as the prude in the television series 7th Heaven, which leads me to believe she is anything but a minx in the sack. I assume that bumping nasties with Bev would be somewhat similar to walking up to an escalator, and finding it stationary.
Sure you’re eventually gonna get to the place you intend to get, but you’re gonna have to exert a lot more effort than you had initially planned.

Jb

Bev, if you disagree, prove me wrong and maybe you can make another appearance as next weeks humped Wednesday.

Daddy’s got a new Hero

2006-09-06T15:13:00.000-06:00

The term hero of late has been used somewhat willinillily.
That’s right Willinillily,
adverb. To use or do something in a manner which is not strict, exact, or precise.
Someone incurs an injury fighting for his or her country and automatically they become a hero. Tell you what, you incur an injury while developing a cure for cancer, and I’ll gladly bestow upon you the title of hero. As long as you come through with the cure that is.
Having said that, I was making my way around this vast expanse known as the World Wide Web, trying to find a candidate worthy of my hero cookie, and I think we can all agree I’ve found a worthy contender.

Askmen .com reports that this veritable hero has been campaigning for a cause that will truly benefit us all; the hero

“ has revealed he demanded more nude scenes in 'Snakes on a Plane”

“There’s a 'Mile High' sex scene in the movie. Typically, you'd just hear the snake and then see the girl screaming. I said, 'No, you've got to see the snake biting the girl's t**s.'"

HERO - a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.

Is there any more heroic act than Sam Jack selflessly struggling for more nudity to be on 50 foot large screens? I think not!

Mr. Jackson, you can expect that cookie in the mail next week, and even though it looks eerily similar to the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies sold at Subway, the tin I placed it in clearly denotes it as home made.

Jb

Guess what would make the preceding pictures of Kate Moss, Kate Beckinsale and Elisha Cuthbert that much better? If they were nude and on a 50 foot screen that’s what.

See ya later, Alligator…..

2006-09-06T11:01:00.000-06:00

Not much else can be said about the loss of the Croc Hunter Steve Irwin recently. The man wore tight khakis every day for years and everybody still loved him. That’s impressive. What’s more impressive is that while you’re jumping on a chair begging your 9 year old sister to kill that spider on the wall, he was busy suplexing T-Rex’s second cousins.

So pour a can of Fosters Lager on the curb in salute, and let’s hope we get more Aussies in public that are like him, and less like Paul Hogan.

gB

Sweet Symphony of Sound

2006-09-06T10:42:00.000-06:00

Ryan Porter on MSN.ca reports;

“Paris Hilton has bought a ticket to outer space. Her ticket is to board the maiden voyage of Richard Branson's Virgin Enterprise space ship.”

You know that sound you get when you hold an empty bottle out the window of a moving car? That kind of whooooooooooooooooo……..
Well I imagine Paris’ various orifices, or if you prefer orifi, would make an amazing symphony of sounds while rocketing toward outer space. From the, slightly distorted, (as a result of the disturbance of air flow due to the lesions near the entrance), low pitched woeeeee emitted by her canyonous nether regions, to the high pitched weeeeee as the air whistled past the barren cavity that is presumed to contain the cranium. Oh what a sweet symphony of sound it would be.
At any rate we can agree that it would be a better auditory experience than her debut CD. Other than that first single. Admit it, it’s kind of catchy, you sort of like it, you’ve caught yourself singing along in the car when you thought no one was looking. Loser!

Jb

Some things are just inferred….

2006-09-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

When Michelle Wie, the 16 year girl who has been granted 10 sponsors exemption to play in PGA tournaments was asked to state her opinion of men playing on the LPGA tour, she responded;

"I think my perspective on this is that the British Open is not called the men's British Open," Wie said. "It's called the British Open. And so is the PGA, it is called the Professional Golf Association. There is no Men's Professional Golf Association, no Man's Professional Golf Association. Whereas our PGA is called the Ladies Professional Golf Association and the British Open is called the Women's British Open. So I think it is very clear."

True, some things are very clear. Like how to qualify for the PGA tour. Just in case any of you didn’t know, it’s an extremely grueling qualification process and almost as difficult to keep your status the next year without having to re-qualify. FYI Wie never even came close to doing either.

Miss Wie, other things are just inferred. Most bathroom signs don’t explicitly say men’s or women’s they just have a picture. Now if only the PGA and LPGA had a similar system.

Ok so this post is pretty much average. I know I’m cranked by this, I just don’t know how to express it in a humorous way. I just feel like Wie playing in these tournaments is taking potential prize money from others who deserve it more, because they have qualified legitimately, the lesser players who are not making mad coin on the PGA and are struggling to financially make it. The guys finishing 80th at the tournaments.

OK so most of you need to stop reading now. I’m pretty livid and I know something is gonna come out that won’t be fair.

I’m serious. If you’re easily offended hit the back button now. Sail away. Scram.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, here comes Take 2.

Seriously Wie, some things are just inferred…. like you don’t need to be white to join the KKK it’s just presumed. You don’t need to be brown to join Al Keada, once again, just kind of understood. (I know I spelled it wrong. It's so I don't get flagged by the FBI) Hey. Don’t give me that look! I warned you it wouldn’t be fair or nice. If you don’t like it, go write your own blog. This one belongs to me sort of, I'd say 50% belongs to me, the other half belongs to my feelings and opinions.

Jesus would be so disappointed

2006-09-05T16:32:00.000-06:00

Just got another one of those crappy e-mails that everybody forwards around. You know the kind, “this child needs your help”, “you have received an electronic friendship hug”, “sign this petition to join some radical movement” or my personal favorite “Microsoft is sending checks if you forward this to 10 people”.

Here’s the thing people, if you receive one of these and you even hesitate for an instant before deleting it, or even worse you are the one propagating the offense by spreading the filth then you rank right up there in society as an…………………a-hole. That’s right I said it, an A-HOLE! Important to distinguish the fact that it is pronounced “A” in its shortened version, not the much more common full length “Ass”. You don’t even deserve the extra syllable.

First of all, Bill Gates didn’t not become the richest guy with glasses by sending out money to people. He hides at home thinking about new ways to destroy the computers he has already sold you that will be obsolete in 9 minutes anyway.

Secondly, if there is a child in need there are a few ways to address this based on the situation
1) Kidnapped/Missing – Call the freaking police! Unless you’re going to fly down to whatever random state the kid is absent in and start looking behind bushes, someone should let the authorities know about it.
2) Hungry/Poor – Instead of sending money to some organization you have never heard of, and won’t again after they mail you a picture of a Kenyan kid from the August issue of National Geographic 1993, how about you go down to the shelter for battered women in YOUR OWN CITY and donate some of the loot from your last gorge at the grocery store. Or some clothes. Or at least a knife so she can stab the cowardly bastard that hit her in the first place.

Threesome: You know that word document you signed that said everybody should not fill up with gas on September 19 of whatever given year you’re all whining about the price of driving an Expedition? Seriously though……………….I mean really……….c’mon. You want to be late for work on September 19 or what? You think that the honchos down at MobilExxon, EnCana, or Shell are sweating in their genuine Sakatchewan Sealskin chairs? No way, they’re lighting cuban’s (cigars, not people…) with $100 bills while they sip cognac out of glass slippers over a fresh dolphin lunch. And guess what, you’d all give your left middle toe to be in their spot instead of fetching them their grizzly skin slippers. (Thanks to Chet Phillips for the uncanny artists rendering above)

Besides, while you’re buddy in the cubicle next to you is sending you a “friendship chain letter”, you’re boss is plotting the quickest way to get Terry Tate to unleash a special kind of hell on your unproductive corpse for spending too much personal time on your e-mail.

So get a hobby and quit being an a-hole.

gB

Weekend Box Office

2006-09-04T22:55:00.000-06:00

www.imdb.com reports that the North American take for the top five movies at the box office this weekend were as follows; to the right, in red, you will find the Jargon Bear rating. (That is if movies were rated as presents for a five year old boy)

1. Invincible 15.2 M Gobot
2. Crank 13.0 M Jeep Wrangler
3. Wicker Man 11.7 M Jigsaw Puzzle
4. Little Miss Sunshine 9.72 M Bocce Set
5. The Illusionist 8.02 M Kinder Egg

Legend

1. Gobot – Thanks uncle crack habit, what didn’t you have enough cash for the Transformer. This movie's already been done and already been done better.
2. Jeep Wrangler – As much adrenaline kick as you can legally get as a five year old. Coolest movie on the street.

3. Jigsaw puzzle – Super overrated. Could probably get some enjoyment out of it, but would require too much cranial work, plus it’s super slow, and at the end, all you’ve got is a picture that you had all along on the outside of the box.
4. Bocce Set – Looks pretty plain, but MAN is there a lot of fun to be had here. Get’s really fun when things deviate from the beaten path. (Off road Bocce anyone)
5. Kinder Surprise Egg – There’s potentially something beautiful inside. In this case Jessica Biel.

Jb

This weekend’s movie review

2006-09-04T18:31:00.000-06:00

Crank

Let me begin by saying that Amy Smart is one of the most underrated hotties out there. I would hit it even in that alternate reality in Butterfly effect where she’s a crack whore. And the scene from Crank in Chinatown just cemented her place on the ladder a couple of rungs below Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.
So the movie;
You know that feeling I get when I hear your car pull up in the driveway and your girlfriend and I scramble to get clothed and I spend the foreseeable future in your closet? Well Crank is two hours of that feeling.

P.S. I like that cupping thing your girlfriend does.

Jb

Footy

2006-09-01T14:10:00.000-06:00

Friday, Sep. 1
GAME TIME
Tennessee at Green Bay 4:00 p.m.
Cincinnati at Indianapolis 7:00 p.m.
Philadelphia at N.Y. Jets 7:00 p.m.
San Diego at San Francisco 10:00 p.m.

Since we were so super trashed at the VIP party (not the one in New York, the one in Jim’s back yard, you know, that one…) for the VMA’s yesterday we totally missed making the picks on all the football games yesterday. But that’s ok because preseason sucks like the movie CB4. So anyway, here are some picks for tonight’s games to tide you over until the real season starts.

TENN @ GB – This game is paradigm. On one hand you have Tennessee whose almost starting QB has demanded a trade and they have signed former Super Bowl appearing QB and regular drunk Kerry Collins. On the other Brett Favre is showing signs of Alzheimer’s claiming this may be the most talented squad he’s played with (psst….he thinks it’s 1996) and GB have like 7 running backs coming back from massive knee repairs.

Bet: $9.00 that someone is going to win (hurry up this game started 4 minutes ago)

CIN @ INDY – You’ll see Peyton and Palmer for a little bit in this final warm up so the first half might be decent. Otherwise, focus on Indy’s running backs (Addai, Rhodes) to see who looks better for your fantasy pool. Then realize that both guys have been taken by other teams and you’re stuck with Priest Holmes not realizing he may never play again. Dumbass.

Bet: $20.00 that in a high scoring affair Cincy’s defense shut’s down Indy’s back up offense in the second half.

PHI @ NYJ – Wait, New York has two teams?????

Bet: Don’t; the line should be quite in favor of the Eagles and you won’t win anything worthwhile. I’m too lazy to look it up but I’m almost never wrong. Or always right. One of those anyway.

SD @ SF – San Francisco showed no signs of being able to beat a PAC-10 team last season and they have added little to change that opinion.

Bet: The Farm; if this was regular season. Since it’s only Preseason and Philip Rivers is still learning, only bet the portion of the farm that doesn’t earn its keep.

gB

X box, NFL, Madden all way better than you

2006-09-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

EA Sports released its latest Madden Sports title last week, Madden NFL 07. In one week it sold over $100 million dollars. That’s two hundred million copies. Let’s take a moment to analyze that.
That’s;

100 million times the amount of viewers last nights VMA awards should have had. (It sucked like Paris sucks at sucking. Don’t pretend you haven’t seen it, Paris that is. Not the VMA’s)

66 planes full of 30,000 snakes

Roughly 20 times the amount of people Lindsay Lohan has spent the night with.

30 times the opening weekend take for BEERFEST.

And perhaps most importantly, 67,000 times the amount of readers this site has. (And I’ll be honest, I’m being generous to myself here)

I have yet to give the game a test ride, but I think I may just have to, and include it in the Tuesday DVD / CD / Video game review.

Jb

I was going to compare the $100 million take to Bill Gates net worth, but then I realized that’s a circular reference.

Meat and Potatoes

2006-09-01T10:33:00.000-06:00

I noticed a number of things during last night’s MTV Video Awards, things that perhaps the general populace may not have picked up since I’m smarter than the average bear.

First of all Jack Black is brutal. He’s just not funny. He recycles the same routine since the one time he actually was entertaining in Saving Silverman. Do fat guys with bad facial hair just get a free pass for this stuff? Cause really only Will Ferrell, Steve Carrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Chevy Chase, John Candy, John Belushi, and Chris Farley should be allowed to recycle the same routine over and over. But especially not Ben Stiller. We’ve got our eye on you Stiller, only one movie every 6 months from now on!

Pussycat Dolls have 14 members in their group. But only one actually sings. And at least 2 look like Bruce and Julian from the local drag show that I ………anyway why the hell are all of them talking? That just prolonged this crappy ass kissing jamboree by about 22 minutes.

Ok Go…..that’s the guys who did the ridiculous routine with the treadmills. Not bad, I can especially appreciate people who try and be famous with as little work as possible. And you’re all falling for it……

Nick Lachey. You’re new girlfriend has a huge head. You’re ex-wife has huge boobs. Winner: John Mayer

Apparently God is a huge rap/R & B fan. You know, he probably cruises around the clouds up there in a low riding chariot holding a gold chalice (duh, Holy Grail?) with a giant diamond cross hanging from his neck. And he watches these award shows just to make sure that every rap winner thanks him properly for giving them gold teeth, a ghetto upbringing, and the uncanny ability to match words that sound similar. This is why there are hurricanes every year at this time, because the good lord isn’t paying attention to the weather, he’s busy making sure Busta Rhymes drops mad skills.

Jared Leto looked better after having his lunch fed to him in Fight Club then he did last night.

Beyonce………………….even Hitler would appreciate that.

Did anybody else notice that Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman looked seriously disgusted each time she didn’t win. When Pink won for Best Pop Video Bratman was about to throw a tantrum, but when Kelly Clarkson won for Best Female Video I’d say she’s lucky that Bratman doesn’t do anything (like have a job and stuff) cause if he was Italian and pretending to run a construction company there would definitely be a contract on Clarkson.

Award for Best Legs attached to a creepy face and a man’s voice: Congratulations Fergie!

Award for worst band name: Panic at the Disco
Award for crappy group getting too many awards: Panic at the Disco
Award for worst song name by a band with a crappy name: “I write sins not tragedies” by Panic at the Disco
Award for worst male makeup: Panic at the disco (barely edging out Jared Leto and AFI)
Award for band who will be totally absent from next year’s awards: Panic at the Disco

Rage Meter

2 – Brit and K-fed (it’s like the Wonder Years, where you’re so embarrassed for them you just have to change the channel). Poor Brit; she’s beat up from the feet up.

16 – Getting punched in the bag by the midget from Jackass

28.5 – Laguna Beach season 3 doesn’t start until next week

712 – Missy Elliott doing anything

100,000,000 – James Blunt. I would rather drag my scrotum on a gravel road traveling at 34 mph with acid in my eyes and nipple clamps on tight than hear the song “You’re Beautiful” ever again.

You’ve been told.

gB

Yummy

2006-08-31T23:00:00.000-06:00

Scarlett Johansson. Venice. Black Dahlia. I really have no words to express what I'm feeling right now.

a) If Geoff Pugh is reading, Sorry about the stolen picture

b) Someone call IMDB and get them to add one more wet dream to her credits

Open Quandary

2006-08-31T14:36:00.000-06:00

For who could ever learn to Love……A Beast

So, I just happen to glance over at the U.S. Open Tennis action and apparently we’re in the round where they pit the Beauty against the Beast. No kidding, it’s like a rollercoaster of emotions for my loins. One second they’re drawn to the screen like a five year old child in the suburbs is to the sound of the ice cream truck and the next second they’re shrieking away as if there was a big screen shot of someone administered a tetanus shot.

I have a good feeling about the match, mostly because even if Serena “wins” there’s a solid chance she’ll be disqualified because it’s a women’s tournament.

*note - the picture on the right is actually an artists rendering of Serena. I thought it would be less offensive than a live action picture.

Big drive, big deal

2006-08-31T13:07:00.000-06:00

Most sports agencies are reporting that John Daly has had to withdraw from some random golf tournament that real pros don’t attend anyway.

- John Daly withdrew from the BMW International at Nord-Eichenried on Thursday after being hospitalized with a gastrointestinal virus.

After speaking with Daly’s supervising physician in Munich he told me “Gs-zustand offenbar Daly impfen bogen-licht wunderbar zu vorkommen”. Which I understood to mean “John Daly is a big fat party animal and more fun than most fraternities in the state of Georgia. He should be world respected for his scientific attempts to push the human engine to the brink of perfection ”.

You go Big John, I got your back.

Song of the day – “Passenger” by Iggy Pop

Download it yourself or just hook up your IPOD to your mom’s computer, I put a bunch of my songs on there last night. BAM!

Travolta, partial to the Y chromosome?

2006-08-31T11:08:00.000-06:00

No way!!! You’re telling me that this guy enjoys the company of men? Saturday night fever should have been this guys coming out party. Dude in super tight polyester pants dancing way better than any heterosexual male aught to…. It should have been an open and shut case. Not to mention the amount of time he spent in the cockpit getting his Pilots license. Ok maybe that just sounds gay. (Kind of like pumpernickel) Please, 4 out of 5 Jackson’s agree there has not been a more botched case since O.J. and Michael could not comment because John’s a light sleeper.

Shocking

2006-08-31T10:02:00.000-06:00

It’s been a slow day for celebrity news, but that allows me the time to touch on something much more serious. Something close to my heart. Something that’s only rival in the annals of time could be the stock market crash in the thirties that lead to the great depression, and maybe the moment that you saw the second plane heading for the second building when any and all doubts were squashed that this may have been an accident.

This issue has plagued me for some time, and quite frankly left me feeling abandoned and confused. The betrayal is amplified when I reflect upon how much time was invested and how strong a bond had been formed, so much so that the only thing that allows me to sleep at night is knowing that I’m sharing my bed with Tenderheart, the leader of the care bears. But Alas, I digress…

How the Phoque (That’s seal in French) did this;

Become this?

That's it. I'm on my way home to get my my little pony, cuz this calls for some serious comforting.

Jessica.....why?

2006-08-29T23:10:00.000-06:00

Jessica's "Public Affair" With John Mayer

TMZ reports

”Us Weekly is reporting that she and Grammy winning singer/songwriter John Mayer are an item, but sources say Simpson wants to "keep it private." Um...sure!If reports are true, this would be her first relationship since breaking up with ex-husband Nick Lachey.Mayer previously dated Jennifer Love Hewitt.”

Edward Scissor hands’ got game… What is it with Hollywood starlets hooking up with dead weight? Ok so Eddie’s got some musical talent, but eventually Jess is going to want to make some magic with the lights on, and even scissor hands thinks that’s a bad idea. That’s why he’s obviously spent the last four months in a dark recording studio becoming an albino so as to claim an acute photosensitivity. That means sensitivity to light, unless the six foot bunny from Donnie Darko has been lying to me.

Man would I like to Rock-Paper-Scissor him for the right of way on his girl, best of five of course. I guarantee I win in four, but only cuz I don’t want him to know he’s got a tell.

I’ll be back soon with some football picks for the weekend.

Jb

Like two fine hams.....

2006-08-29T14:22:00.000-06:00

Since it’s damn near impossible to get Jessica Alba out of your head, let’s have a look at today’s movie review.

“Into the Blue” starring Jessica Alba, Ashley Scott, a total douchebag, and a famous actor’s son. Now for the record the “TD” is quite possibly one of the worst actors in the business. I paid a homeless guy $4.00 to pretend he’s Kevin Bacon from Footloose for an hour and it was like Shakespeare in the Park compared to this guy’s body of work. Regardless, it’s fairly easy to completely forget he’s even alive in this picturesque display of incredible plotlines that manage to keep dear Jess in a bikini for the better part of 100 minutes. Also good to notice is the affirmative action happening which allows “TD’s” special sidekick Tyson Beckford the chance to earn enough money to get another tattoo. Beckford seems to think he’s the new Taye Diggs, but everybody that likes sweater vests knows you can never replace the Diggster.

Anyway, this movie achieves an arbitrary rating of 14 out of 17. It has sharks, meaningless death, hot girls, and treasure. Gratuitous nudity would have pushed its rating to critically acclaimed 19 out of 17 but the already tried, and unconvincing use of 5 foot 3 Scott Caan as a tough guy brings it down a notch. The only thing keeping this film from true box office success is the complete lack of Patrick Swayze as the stern but caring uncle that doesn’t take any crap from the sharks and saves the loot at the end. If you don’t like this movie you’re probably already dying …………

Thanks to imdb.com for this accurate take as well:
User Rating: 5.4/10 (6,657 votes)

Don’t forget to enjoy other ocean classics like Point Break and Navy Seals

gB

Alba's in Canada!!!

2006-08-29T11:31:00.000-06:00

Jessica Alba’s in my Country!!! TMZ reports;

" The foxy brunette was caught in action feeding a group of penguins while filming on the set of her new movie in Edmonton, Canada. Alba is staring opposite funnyman Dane Cook in the romantic comedy. This is the same set on which Alba lost one tooth and chipped another while filming a love scene with Cook a week ago. Alba described that somewhat calamitous clinch as "not the slowest, most romantic love scene," hence the dental issues.”

Alright, just about every word of this story pisses me off, but let’s begin with Jessica Alba feeding penguins. Jessica Alba. Quite possibly the most beautiful girl in the world is feeding cute little penguins. The last thing this girl needs is to enlist the help of penguins or koala’s to help her image; that should be reserved for people like G. Bush, or O. Bin Laden. That’s like a 3 week old golden retriever puppy thinking about getting a kitten to help pick up chicks.
Then there’s the whole Dane Cook angle. Seriously, this guy is funny, but no way does he deserve to be doing films with the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba, much less have the pleasure of a simulated sex scene with Alba. Even less a violent simulated sex scene that from the sounds of it we have not seen since Diane Lane got uber railed in Unfaithful.

Dude must be in to some serious voodoo shit.

Jb

P.S. Even though the sex was simulated. I will give anyone out there 100 to 1 odds that Dane Cook walked off the set with a glorious pant puddle.

August 29th, 2006

2006-08-29T09:35:00.000-06:00

Ugh, mornings are the worst. Want to know what else I hate…..well I’ll tell you anyway:

- work
- loitering teens
- baseball
- Honda Element
- goth
- wearing jeans at thanksgiving
- people who make/watch movies like “Step Up”
- baseball
- all those crappy talent shows on US television
- everything else

However, 9 out of 10 Snakes on a Plane agree that the following things are all better than you:

- underwear with that old reliable hole you know where
- Toonces the driving cat
- Jon Stewart
- baseball offseason
- Maria Kirilenko (she’s the new Sharapova - look her up, tell her I said hi)
- Pilsner beer
- mustaches
- joint pain
- sundresses

Fanstasy football advice for today, pick up Ernest Wilford from the Jacksonsville Jaguars as your reserve wide receiver, should be found in most free agent pools if your league doesn’t suck. Or don’t pick him up. And lose to the guy who does. I don’t care.

gB

2006-08-28T23:05:00.000-06:00

How gorgeous was Evangeline Lilly at the Emmy’s? Now I know I’m a little behind on this, but ridding the world of cancer is a full time job. Seriously, if you’re any where near Calgary you should check out this link; just clicking it is guaranteed to ward off cancer for a day. (http://www.soccermarathon.org/)

Man, would I love to get lost with that girl. I know it’s a bit cliché, but all I know is somewhere in that bush there’s a hatch I’m dying to get inside.

Actually, how crushing would it be to finally hook up with a girl like Evline, that’s right we have pet names for each other, and find out she’s smuggling a panda in her pants. You could be a full mast, I mean Dane cook cashew shootin ready, and I bet you wouldn’t be able to do it.

Smokin’ babe + panda in pants = trying to fit a marshmallow in a piggy bank

Jb

The pic above is from www.wwtdd.com which might be the funniest site I'm found to date on the web. Hopefully he doesn't sue me for snaggin it.

Today's Picks

2006-08-28T12:07:00.000-06:00

My brain is a veritable goldmine of sports knowledge. Really, I am to sports bookies what Paris Hilton is to the Catholic church. I do need to mention however that I do have a weak subject. Baseball. I'm not ashamed of it, mostly because I find it hard to consider it a sport.

If you can play nearly 200 games a year, and have a pratice every morning, it's not a sport. If you can play two games back to back, once again, not as sport. Imagine trying to convince hockey players that this evening they will be playing two games back to back. Not a chance. Here's a little new math for you.

Baseball + Sports = KFed + Rap
(Baseball is to sports, what Kfed is to rap)

Anyways tonight in Sportselect, a uniquely canadian betting style,

game 79 - home Cin to beat GB in Football
game 3 - visitor Tor to beat Cle in Baseball
game 6 - visitor Bos to beat Oak in Baseball

I'll let you know how I did.

Jb

What does Maria have to do with gambling? I bet you she is no longer carrying her "V" card.

Update

Like I said, Baseball sucks. I went 1 and 2, but.....

Baseball is still the new Lance Bass, so it doesn't count.

I promise my football picks will be way better.

Like when I promised your little sister I didn't have the clap.

Welcome to JargonBear

2006-08-28T11:29:00.000-06:00

I'll be honest with you, we don't really know what to expect from this blog. It's pretty much in it's infancy, but let it be known that we could kick your ass at either Top Spin Tennis or Halo.
Jb