Grrr.....

You know who sucks? Well lots of people………. like Madonna………… Kevin Feder-douche….. James Blunt… Bill O’Reilly.. Jack Layton, that dude from the Purolator office, Nicole Ritchie, Wilmer Valderramma, Derian Hatcher, Baseball, pickles, cats, laundry, Terrell Owens, the WNBA, and working.

But specifically, today, in honor of the unanticipated release of Mission Impossible 3, it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did you know that for the film “Capote” he won 22 Best Actor Awards? If you don’t believe me check out this link

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0379725/awards

And so you would say, well heck, he must be a pretty good actor huh? But you know what……….you would be totally inexcusably wrong. First of all let’s not touch on the self serving absurdity of the amount of galas, presentations, award shows and “I’m a celebrity, give me more attention” bullcrap evenings that take place in our society. Do you really give a damn if the Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association gives out awards? What is there like 3 voters on this board? How many film critics are in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and what have they done to need awards? We don’t see an American Medical Association award for most life saving procedures in one year, but we do get treated to the Screen Actors Guild awards. Seriously? They vote for themselves! I demand a recount, where people who actually have to pay for tickets to see movies get to vote, and then we could give Hoffman his award for “Best Performance by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male, played by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male”.

Hmmm, body of work…..?
Movie: Capote - Hoffman: Fat, annoying voice, gee that was tough
Movie: MI3 - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy,
Movie: Owning Mahoney - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, did anybody watch this?
Movie: Almost Famous - Hoffman; Fat, annoying, generally sucky performance
Movie: Red Dragon - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, whiny, nice to see him die though
Movie: Boogey Nights - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy, gay
Movie: Twister - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, generally dirty

Summary: Philip Seymour Hoffman in reality is a big fat creepy dirty sometimes gay guy who is rewarded for being himself.

gB

Isn’t this one of the most awful things you have ever seen? I would rank this higher than Chernobyl in awfulness alone.

Tits on a Bull

Sticking with the K-Fed theme as seen below, it is being widely repeated on the internet and such classy investigative journalist outposts as E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Extra that there is some trouble brewing surrounding Mr Britney’s upcoming “gig”

Page Six reports this morning that so few $20 tickets have been sold for K-Fed's concert this coming Saturday at Manhattan's Webster Hall that the venue, which is fairly small-capacity to begin with, is thinking of nixing the gig because, as a Post source puts it, "New Yorkers are clearly not fans of 'PopoZao.'" But it wouldn't' be the first time that K-Fed – the self-described "most underrated" performer ever -- has under-performed. His concert in Cleveland was 86ed because of lack of interest.

Remember, just a few days ago when this moron called himself the most underrated performer around. Oh you don’t remember? Because you didn’t read that? Because you don’t give a crap? Well, I’ll see your “I don’t give a crap” and raise you a “Who f*&#@!$ing cares”.

Turns out I lost when someone hit a “I hope he dies” on the river…….

gB

Seriously though, how many gay homeless people could go trick or treating and say “I’m dressed as K-Fed” so they could score some candy for dinner? The answer is 6 gay homeless guys could pull that off.

Please go Boom!!! Please go Boom!!!

Never, ever in the history of man would the complete destruction of a room and ALL it's contents have benefitted human kind more than if it had happened right here.

Personally I would have to sift through way less Lindsay Lohan crap to get to something I can poke fun at. (You see making fun of Lindsay is like making jokes about a three legged poodle. The poodle already gets slammed by other dogs for being such a wuss, and now that they only have three legs it just seems cruel. Plus the Tripoodle has the Coke sniffles and random male dogs just walk up behind her and have a quick go at her.)

And you can't tell me there isn't a person in the world that wouldn't benefit from losing Kfed.

Jb

I bet that if K-fed disappeared this crazy North Korean would come to his senses and stop trying to build the bomb. You see K-fed is actually the root of all evil.

JargonBear would get a 8.8 on IMDB

Every once in a while someone takes something that has been around for a while, puts a bit of a spin on it, and makes it new, refreshing and way better than the original. Throughout history there has been no shortage of these things;
For instance;

Kangaroo shoes. Not just a shoe, not just a coin purse, but a shoe with a little coin pocket on the side. Note, the substitution of laces for Velcro straps put this in a category of possible Nobel Prize winner.

K-way. From fanny pack to rain coat in under five seconds.

Internet porn. Could you imagine how many uncomfortable trips to the “Adult” section at the back of the video store or akward exchanges with a corner store clerk it would have taken to amass an amount of porn that is equivalent to that which is in your hidden P folder on your computer?

Bookmobile – A phenomenal meld of RV and Bibliotheque. (On a side note how the Phoque does bibliotheque mean library in French? I think livre is book, so that doesn’t explain it. And you know how some French words are very similar to their English counterparts, such as, such as, of course I can’t think of any right now, but trust me, they do, and in this instance, definitely not the case.)

Well the point of this post was originally to tell the masses about a man who has taken something run of the mill, a Hollywood movie, and put a unique spin on it, and made it superb. That man being; Shane Black. The director and screen writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

I can’t really explain why it’s good, but trust me, it is. It’s super entertaining to watch. When it’s done you get this warm, fuzzy, satisfied feeling and definitely not the empty angry rage of trying to get your two hours back as is the case with Freedomland. You never know what’s coming next. (Kind of like a choose your own adventure novel. BTW Choose your own adventure novels should definitely have been present in the list above of wicked things) ((by the way, BTW means By The Way))

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang got a 7.9 on IMDB. (That’s good) IMDB ratings are tough. A bookmobile would rank 10 out of 10 on any other scale but probably only about a 9 on IMDB.

Jb

Come to think of it, where the hell does the word library come from? Shouldn’t the word be a little more closely related to the word book. A hen house is where you keep hens. Bird house -birds, bathhouse -baths, (and gay falconers) Books, oh ya we keep ‘em over there in the bookhouse..err I mean Library.

What's wrong with this picture?

So X17online posted this picture of Seal bringing his daughter to school. Can you guess what I'm gonna say?

What's that? That if memory serves you correctly and all those experiments in pre school where you mixed the black paint with the white paint were scientifically correct, then....

No, that's not it.

Is it that a power couple like Seal and Heidi Klum should be able to afford a better costume for their child than this mockery? That's the worst attempt at dressing up as a smurf house in the history of halloween...

Nope.

Maybe that if any other man on earth were married to Heidi they would never be caught out in public for all their waking hours would be spent in the bedroom?

Yup that's it. What's wrong with you Seal???? You're wasting valuable hump time you silly hump.

Jb

Who says getting a Stanley Cup Ring is difficult?

The Calgary Flames winger Darren McCarty, following his bankruptcy filing last year, will be auctioning off some of his memorabilia. Among the items up for bid are his three Stanley cup rings he won as a member of the Detroit Red wings.

If you’re interested you need to be prepared to pony up some cash because all indications are that Glen Sather will be dropping some mad coin on this. What makes me say that? How bout the fact he’s been throwing buckets of money around trying to buy one for the last five years. Another probable winner is Mr. Wang, the GM of the Islanders because let’s face it, the 15 years of income he’s dedicated to Rick Dipietro is never gonna buy him one.

Jb

The oddest item up for sale is an urn packed with Chin wiskers. (Yuk)

Stephon Marbury is a Hero, sort of...

New York Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has launched a new line of shoes that, presumably, will benefit the youth of the world. The new line of basketball shoes will sell for no more than $15 a pair.

I guess the idea is to aid underprivileged youth by giving them the opportunity to purchase quality sportswear, and even the playing field. Nice thought Stephon, I applaud your gusto but I can’t help but think of little Pablo and Xing-Xang, who were already being paid in peanuts to make shoes for existing athletic companies who are sure to now be compensated with the excreted remains of peanuts previously enjoyed by Peruvian or Taiwanese squirrels.

Stephon, you’re a true life international Robin Hood, giving to the poor that which you have stolen from another countries poor.

Jb

If you’d actually like to read the story you can here.

Is it me or are those shoes made of marshmallow? I guess if the kid finds out he's just as bad at ball with shoes, as he was without, he's foound where his next meal is coming from.

I've seen more movies than you.....

Following the grand success of the outstanding list of songs we provided you with last month, here is a list of movies that personify awesomeness to varying degrees. They range from Awesome to Super Friggin Uber Awesome. Kinda like me, sometimes I’m only just awesome, but other days, watch out cause I’m the Supreme Grand Emperor of Awesomeland.

And yes in fact, the newly released “The Departed” definitely goes onto this list….

Star Wars Trilogy (Original)
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fight Club
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
The Matrix (first one)
Saving Private Ryan
Heat
Slap Shot
The Silence of the Lambs
Gladiator
The Towering Inferno
American History X
The Usual Suspects
Black Hawk Down
Seven
Caddyshack
True Romance
The Great Escape
LA Confidential
The Rock
Braveheart
Aliens
Forrest Gump
Unforgiven
Serenity
Christmas Vacation
Indiana Jones
Platoon
Goodfellas
Point Break
Terminator 2
Navy Seals
Red Dawn
9 ½ Weeks
Die Hard (first one)
Pulp Fiction
The Dirty Dozen
Lethal Weapon 2
Blade
Air Force One
Commando
The Untouchables
Kill Bill Vol 1
Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Pirates of the Caribbean
A Fish Called Wanda







So if you don’t own any of these on DVD then you must be now able to get married in Ontario. Unless you’re a girl, then you should go buy some of these so you can actually hang on to a boyfriend. If you do own some of these then you should buy more of them. Then I could say “How many movies do you own?” And you would say “Three Hundred and Two”. And then I would say “Oh, well, I own Three Hundred and Six…”

gB


Editor’s note: Don’t be afraid to be anxiously awaiting our Best of TV List, coming soon…

The Return......

Ok, ok, I’m back. And I’m mad. And I’m black y’all. Oh no wait, I’m not that last one. Anyway, the outcry from the Jargonbear readership has led me to believe that I have been missed (my Mom called, asked if I was still alive, after I said yes she hung up).

While I will offer no further explanation for my absence (thanks for your help Dr. Moshimura…..) I do have a story to tell. You see I had to send some US money from Canada for…………something. Here’s how it went.

Leave work (real job, not this one) 10 minutes early to beat the lineup at the bank. Stand in line for 16 minutes, three tellers working, line getting longer behind me. MY TURN! Oh no wait, the big woman behind the counter puts up a sign saying Closed and she smugly smiles and says “ Someone will be right with you…”. What? I’m sorry, are you going for your lunch break? Because I’m sure starting at 10:00am and working for two hours was tough on your 245lb frame. I hope you choke on your lunch. Because god knows you’ll just be hungry again at freaking 4:00pm when you’re closed once more.

Finally get my money order, drive to post office, get to counter, realize I left my wallet in the car. ArGh. Go back, slam door, wait in line (….argH), I say “need this to go to KALEEFORNIA (in Arnold Schwarzneggar accent), polite young lady does not appreciate my comedic stylings. Fine, she says it can’t there faster than 3-5 days I should courier it, suggests I go to Purolator. Gives me directions, go back to car, take 2 deep breaths, rage meter going up. Get to Purolator, wait 4 minutes to get served because no one is at the counter. Argh. A troll finally comes out from backroom, I drop the accent but it doesn’t matter. It’s going to a PO Box therefore courier cannot deliver and it must be routed through post office. ARgh. Swear loudly enough for people in store to hear me, but not loud enough to get arrested, stomp off to car, slam door, punch steering wheel. Deep breath. Start slinging F-bombs out the window at bad drivers and pedestrians as I unsafely speed back to post office.

Return to post office, polite young lady says “Sorry, I should have checked your delivery address first I guess…” My left eye starts twitching. So I say 3-5 days huh, guaranteed? She replies “It will probably be there by Monday, Tuesday for sure”. YOU LIAR! Tuesday is a full 6 business days later. How effing hard is it to have a piece of mail go down a 3 hour flight? And it’s gonna cost $11.00? ARGH. Head is throbbing, little bit of saliva flicks off lower lip as my voice raises “Hang on, I forgot my friggin wallet in the car! (again) ARGH!!!!”. Damn near break a window on the store’s door as I bust back through to the post office. There’s someone being served now. I have to wait. Mid-transaction. All I have left is to pay and I have to wait another 9 GODFORSAKEN MINUTES!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGHGHHHH. Lady asks “are you alright?”

A single tear rolls down my cheek.

gB

HumpDay Update

So it’s Wednesday and time for the Humpday update.
I missed last week so this week I will be posting twice.
I’ve also found that I’ve been posting a lot more humps than not humps, (guess that’s just how I wuz raised!)
So this week will be one hump, and one not hump.

I’ve had a bit of a soft spot for this girl for quite some time now. It’s like I couldn’t get her out of my mind for years. Therefore I thought it might be a pro po to relate her to a
television program that I couldn’t get off the screen when I was a young lad.



Seriously, did anyone even like the Racoons? Nobody liked ‘em, but everyone somehow still knows exactly what I’m talking about. Every single day in grade two would end with me rushing home, looking for some quality cartoons like Transformers, Thundercats, He-man or G.I. Joe and I would get this bush league Canadian production. None the less it some how magically transfixed me and prevented me from changing the channel.

This girl is eerily similar. Everyday in second year University would end with me rushing home, from the Den, trying to catch a peek at……well actually I don’t even know who I was trying to see. She was pretty much the first one, and set the stage for a plethora of others to follow. She was the first super hot, super sexy, super vibrant superstar. Let’s call her Bert Raccoon, as she was in all intents and purposes the star of the pop music show.

She had everything going for her and then suddenly a member of her family dragged her down. Think Cedric Sneer and his villain of all villains father Cyril sneer.


She began as an absolutely hump! But recently has come dangerously close to being filed in the not humps. Now she’s migrating back toward the, I’d still hit, in tribute of what she used to be. (Like Anna Nicole Smith, don’t tell me you wouldn’t hit it on the basis that back in the day she was hot)

Jb

I was going to post some pics of fat Brit, but why would I do that to myself??

By the way, Cedric was a homosexual. How sure am I? As sure as I am that you wanted to be an Ewok the first time you watched Return of the Jedi.

P.S. I would still touch Brit's Ewok, and if she asked kindly maybe even her Chewbacca.

Missing Bear

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I know he's been prone to taking off in the past, especially over the winter months, but it's never been this early before. One of the contributing writers to the jargonbear has fallen completely off the map.

Where has the Gummi Bear gone?

Wait, I just found this;

Jb

Return of Humpday

It’s everybody’s favorite day, Wednesday! I thought I’d mix things up a bit for this weeks installment of Humpday, so without further ado;

Yes, No, No

This one was easy. It was as if someone had lined up three viruses. When faced with a decision between Hantavirus, human-immune deficiency, and influenza, sign me up for the flu every time. Automatic I tell ya.

Hilary Duff is everything the other two are not. Actually the other two are everything Hilary Duff is not. Dirty, Diseased, Dim Witted, contaminated, unhealthy, untalented…

Yes, Yes, No

You know how sometimes, you’re attracted to some people and for the life of you, you can explain why. Like why Archie for some reason kept that douchebag Veronica around when he was so obviously a better fit for Betty. Well, Sandra Bullock is that girl for me. If I were to give her ten ratings for various aspects of her life, she would invariably score no higher than a six on any one of them, but somehow when I add all the scores together she would get a 95. It’s odd I know, but I just roll with it.

The little girl in the middle, even though she’s four foot nine, I gotta do it. I don’t know why. She’s a pretty average actor, she’s fairly average looking, she’s dating a total sack, but somehow I think if it came down to it, I’d still hit it. It’s like at the club, when the night is getting late, you’re standards get real low. Well the ugly lights just came on, but I’m in the back of the club where they don’t quite reach. I can tell they’re on, but Shara here in front of me, isn’t quite illuminated. All I gotta do is find a way to sneak Shara here out a back door and in to a cab before a) my friends catch me or b) my buzz wears off and I come to my senses. Either way I’m in for a rough morning when a) my friends bust in or b) I call her Shara again. (They’re much less forgiving in the morning)

You know how some people despise Brussel sprouts? Well I despise Gwyneth

Todays winners;

Jb

Rules do not apply to hot Girls

Ummm.........

Now, I don't think that what looks like is happening, is actually happening in these pictures, but my opinion is based purely on the fact that Dr. Sue has always told me that there was a hard fast rule against bumping nasties under water.

Luckily for Jessica Alba, rules do not apply to super hot girls. Seriously I wouldn't be surprised if she fed a gremlin after midnight and..........Nothing!

Jb

Weekend Movie Review

The Departed is the best movie of the year.

You know when you're reading a good book. I mean a really good book, the kind of book that you sit down to read, and you can't help but start the next chapter, as you're dying to find out what happens next. The kind of book that even though you can sense it's getting late, you can't stop yourself from reading the next page. The kind where you suddenly arrive at last page, and realize that you should probably get up an shower as you have to leave for work in ten minutes. Well, if The Departed was a book, it would be that kind of book.

Not that that matters to you, you illiterate fool. (Wait...I don't think you're allowed to make illiterate jokes in print form.)

Honestly, it was sooooo intense. I had a couple of napkins in my hands and by the end of the movie I had clutched my fists for so long that they were little paper cubes. (I think I was subconsciously trying to make energon cubes, You know, to save the autobots)

Now, I'm not saying I've seen more movies than you, unless your name is Jon, but I've seen my fair share of movies, and can usually could pick a couple of scenes that could have been left on the cutting floor in any movie I choose to critique. (Like every scene in Crossroads other than the one where she comes out of the bathroom on prom night) But there is not a thing I would change in this movie.

I wouldn't even change the fact that somebody cast Leonardo DiCraprio in this movie. Turns out, he can actually act. I think it's the first time I've watched him in a movie and not wanted to toss a junior mint through his face on screen. (I think I actually did when he tried to pull of that tardy kid in Gilbert Grape)

Anyway. The movie was stellar, go check it out.

Jb

If you're name is Jon, I've seen more movies than you....plus one.

JargonBear makes a rare public appearance

Damded Paparazzi,

A bear can't make a discrete appearance with his super hot lady friend and not be photographed these days.

Sherry baby, I'm sorry. I know ever since our tape was leaked, I promised no unannounced camera's, but honestly this time I had nothing to do with it.

Jb

for Sheryl's publicist's cover up story, click here.

This is worth the wait!

You know that feeling right after you flush the toilet and notice that the water level is rising just past that acceptable level? The one right at that point when you rip the tank cover off the toilet and slam the stopper back down in a vain attempt to save your feet from becoming surmerged in a puddle of fecal-urinal agua?

Well I imagine that's the feeling, multiplied by a gabillion, that Denis Hamel felt when he raised his head and realized he was in a world of trouble.

Check out the video here.

Honestly, this has to be the cleanest hardest hit I have ever seen in hockey.

Denis Hamel had less chance of staying off his back here than Paris Hilton in front of a night vision camera.

Jb

What's a Phaneuf anyway??

So.....about not posting.

Some of you may have noticed we haven't posted in a while. One of you might have even cared. I have finally decided to come clean. I was not posting because;

1. Work. That stuff I do wayyyy too much of to earn wayyyy too little of the green green stuff that helps me to pay my bills. Unfortunately as little as the hell that consumes my weekdays, (and increasingly more or my weeknights, and even weekends) contributes to my financial independence, it still contributes 100% more than this blogging gig. (I would have put 110% but people that make that statement make me want to stick a frozen flag pole in their rectum)

Speaking of getting paid....Those two links on the right ad bar. The Halloween one and the Betting one, aren't there just for fun. The Halloween one has some sweet costumes. Click on it, pick one up and maybe this year you'll be invited to a halloween party, and not be the loser dressed as a doctor.

And while you're at it. Start a betting account. Online betting is way less intimidating than dealing with Vladimir from the back room downtown at the Cecil.

Hurry up. I haven't eaten in 2 days and am getting pretty frail......

2. I’ve had a super busy week trying to stalker proof my home. Ever since Eva Longoria broke up with that Parker Turd I’ve had my security detail working over time as she’s bound to rear her not so ugly face any second. Oh by the way, my security detail involves the dog that lives at my house. That’s right, it’s not even my dog. And if she were to break in, the odds are 900 to 1 that all the attack dog does is sniff her bum. (coincidentally, odds are 5 to 1 of me doing the same)

3. Oh ya, I went whale spotting. You might think that whale hunting in suburban north America would lead to some disappointing results, but it turns out whales make inland road trips. In this case the whale and her entourage made a concert pit stop in C.A. Contrary to my belief I knew a lot more Mariah Carey songs than I originally thought. She’s one popular whale, that for some reason feels it’s appropriate to wear a bra and labia enhancing hot pants as an all day outfit. Don’t get me wrong, in a normal circumstance I’m all for it, but not when you look like you’re a Macy’s day float than has been inflated 25% too much. I saw her thighs come out on stage and I though I was at rendition of Lord of the Rings the Broadway Musical and she was playing an ent!!

(I tried to find a picture of an ent to post here, but it is surprisingly difficult to find good photo's of fictional species' who have tree trunks for legs.)

gB has not been posting because.......

I don't really know.

I did notice that Dustin Diamonds sex tape came out about the same time as he stopped posting. I guess it's hard to type with only one hand.

Fighting with the Stars!

Round 1:
Katie Holmes beats up Tom Cruise – She is ruined. Nobody will consider her for a role (they barely will consider her looney husband), he’s demanding she work off the extra 10lbs from having a baby, he’s super short, and by the way he might be gay and he believes in Aliens living in a Volcano as his religion. That’s some kind of crazy.

Round 2:
Shana Moakler knocks out Paris Hilton – Oh wait, this did happen, 2 nights ago, for real. I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say “WELL DONE! And who are you again?”

Round 3:
Sienna Miller hits Jude Law with her Volkswagen Van – Why? Cause he boffed the nanny, has a terrible haircut, and generally sucks. And she’s super hot and stuff. Like, y’know?

Round 4:
Jennifer Aniston detonates the plane carrying Vince Vaughn, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – USA Today reports today…..(that sounded awkward..) that Vince and Jen have broken up, proving in fact that Brad was using him to help slowly put out the fire over his possible cheating with new arm candy Angelina. Turns out she hasn’t even bought a foreign kid for almost 6 months now….which must mean…..

Round 5:
The Queen deports Madonna - Tell Madonna she’s late (and dumb) since the newly British pop star decided to jump on the latest faze of purchasing children from poor countries. Does this African kid now have to learn the accent too?

Round 6:
Jessica Biel body slams me in a vat of jello – Cause that would be freaking awesome

gB

By the Power of Grey Skull, Rachel Bilson has the POWER!!!

Humpday Update #5

Sorry for the late update, but I did squeeze it in under the wire. And to be fair Rachel and I had a little issue that resulted in her being a little late herself. Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean.

So, I’m a bit surprised Ms. Bilson has not made the HD club by now, but thought I would correct the problem. What’s not to like. She was a lock! A couple seasons ago she would have been the premier HD candidate, but the OC has gone down hill just about as fast as Bodie Miller. Who’s Bodie Miller? He’s a member of the American downhill ski team that enjoys making his runs while drunk. (Super Champ) Bodie Miller is to skiing what Rachel Bilson is to being ridiculously hot. She takes it to a completely new level. She’s absolutely perfect.

If she offered me one night with her, and all I had to give up was;

My dignity
My friends
My family
My cabbage patch kid collection
My status as the coolest kid on the block because I have Castle Grey Skull complete with Skeletor, He-man, Man at Arms and Cringer/Battle Cat.
And My Optimus Prime Transformer,

I would deem it a bargain and would consider it the best eight seconds of my life.

If you disagree, I deem you the biggest Teabag on earth!!

Jb












Previous Humpday Updates

Humpday #4

Humpday #3

Humpday #2