Thursday, October 05, 2006

So.....about not posting.

Some of you may have noticed we haven't posted in a while. One of you might have even cared. I have finally decided to come clean. I was not posting because;

1. Work. That stuff I do wayyyy too much of to earn wayyyy too little of the green green stuff that helps me to pay my bills. Unfortunately as little as the hell that consumes my weekdays, (and increasingly more or my weeknights, and even weekends) contributes to my financial independence, it still contributes 100% more than this blogging gig. (I would have put 110% but people that make that statement make me want to stick a frozen flag pole in their rectum)

Speaking of getting paid....Those two links on the right ad bar. The Halloween one and the Betting one, aren't there just for fun. The Halloween one has some sweet costumes. Click on it, pick one up and maybe this year you'll be invited to a halloween party, and not be the loser dressed as a doctor.

And while you're at it. Start a betting account. Online betting is way less intimidating than dealing with Vladimir from the back room downtown at the Cecil.

Hurry up. I haven't eaten in 2 days and am getting pretty frail......

2. I’ve had a super busy week trying to stalker proof my home. Ever since Eva Longoria broke up with that Parker Turd I’ve had my security detail working over time as she’s bound to rear her not so ugly face any second. Oh by the way, my security detail involves the dog that lives at my house. That’s right, it’s not even my dog. And if she were to break in, the odds are 900 to 1 that all the attack dog does is sniff her bum. (coincidentally, odds are 5 to 1 of me doing the same)

3. Oh ya, I went whale spotting. You might think that whale hunting in suburban north America would lead to some disappointing results, but it turns out whales make inland road trips. In this case the whale and her entourage made a concert pit stop in C.A. Contrary to my belief I knew a lot more Mariah Carey songs than I originally thought. She’s one popular whale, that for some reason feels it’s appropriate to wear a bra and labia enhancing hot pants as an all day outfit. Don’t get me wrong, in a normal circumstance I’m all for it, but not when you look like you’re a Macy’s day float than has been inflated 25% too much. I saw her thighs come out on stage and I though I was at rendition of Lord of the Rings the Broadway Musical and she was playing an ent!!

(I tried to find a picture of an ent to post here, but it is surprisingly difficult to find good photo's of fictional species' who have tree trunks for legs.)

gB has not been posting because.......

I don't really know.

I did notice that Dustin Diamonds sex tape came out about the same time as he stopped posting. I guess it's hard to type with only one hand.

Fighting with the Stars!

Round 1:
Katie Holmes beats up Tom Cruise – She is ruined. Nobody will consider her for a role (they barely will consider her looney husband), he’s demanding she work off the extra 10lbs from having a baby, he’s super short, and by the way he might be gay and he believes in Aliens living in a Volcano as his religion. That’s some kind of crazy.

Round 2:
Shana Moakler knocks out Paris Hilton – Oh wait, this did happen, 2 nights ago, for real. I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say “WELL DONE! And who are you again?”

Round 3:
Sienna Miller hits Jude Law with her Volkswagen Van – Why? Cause he boffed the nanny, has a terrible haircut, and generally sucks. And she’s super hot and stuff. Like, y’know?

Round 4:
Jennifer Aniston detonates the plane carrying Vince Vaughn, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – USA Today reports today…..(that sounded awkward..) that Vince and Jen have broken up, proving in fact that Brad was using him to help slowly put out the fire over his possible cheating with new arm candy Angelina. Turns out she hasn’t even bought a foreign kid for almost 6 months now….which must mean…..

Round 5:
The Queen deports Madonna - Tell Madonna she’s late (and dumb) since the newly British pop star decided to jump on the latest faze of purchasing children from poor countries. Does this African kid now have to learn the accent too?

Round 6:
Jessica Biel body slams me in a vat of jello – Cause that would be freaking awesome


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

By the Power of Grey Skull, Rachel Bilson has the POWER!!!

Humpday Update #5

Sorry for the late update, but I did squeeze it in under the wire. And to be fair Rachel and I had a little issue that resulted in her being a little late herself. Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean.

So, I’m a bit surprised Ms. Bilson has not made the HD club by now, but thought I would correct the problem. What’s not to like. She was a lock! A couple seasons ago she would have been the premier HD candidate, but the OC has gone down hill just about as fast as Bodie Miller. Who’s Bodie Miller? He’s a member of the American downhill ski team that enjoys making his runs while drunk. (Super Champ) Bodie Miller is to skiing what Rachel Bilson is to being ridiculously hot. She takes it to a completely new level. She’s absolutely perfect.

If she offered me one night with her, and all I had to give up was;

My dignity
My friends
My family
My cabbage patch kid collection
My status as the coolest kid on the block because I have Castle Grey Skull complete with Skeletor, He-man, Man at Arms and Cringer/Battle Cat.
And My Optimus Prime Transformer,

I would deem it a bargain and would consider it the best eight seconds of my life.

If you disagree, I deem you the biggest Teabag on earth!!


Previous Humpday Updates

Humpday #4

Humpday #3

Humpday #2

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Hello Hockey Fans, TV watchers, Sports critics, and general Malcontents

Hey kids,

Been awhile hasn't it. We felt it was necessary for you all to feel the hurt of Jargonbear not being around for a few days so that you really appreciate it now that its back. And our stupid "day jobs" have really been putting a damper on things. But on to bigger and better things that we have missed out on....

- Aaron Carter decides it's a bad idea to marry the older girl his brother already slept with. Good thinking, imagine how thanksgiving would have been ...."Hey Nick, pass the mashed potatoes.....oh, what's this....a pair of my new wife's panties you have been hiding since you decided to dump her.......that's awesome...thanks bro. "
- Anna Nicole Smith's son dies, two dudes fight over paternity of new kid, she gets married, sells pictures for money, and has anybody discovered a law that makes it illegal for sloths to procreate yet? Cause she would be doing life.
- Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban claim they both thought of calling off the wedding. Consensus....nobody gives a crap. Except Russell Crowe, but he was too busy throwing excrement and assaulting handicapped children for not asking for his autograph to provide a comment.
- Baseball playoffs start. Most people request more info on Kidman/Urban wedding than baseball scores.
- Your very own gB attended the Queen of England Elton John's concert recently with FEMALE companion. Fears of "catching the gay" unsubstantiated.
- Work still sucks
- Kevin Federline still a piece of white trash with zero contribution to society - 6 Guys in Lab Coats have gone on record to say "If Anna Nicole and K-Fed ever hook up, we might as well let the North Koreans have America"...
- Submitted hockey pool picks last night, already disapointed.
- Dane Cook hosted the season premiere of Saturday Night Live, I made it about 16 minutes longer than I usually do into this show before trying to find re-runs of the L-Word, still hardly impressed.
- Found re-runs of the L-Word............I lasted about 13 minutes less than Saturday Night Live did on my TV screen....
- The "Varsity Blues" tv version starts sign of James VanDerGeek. Thank God.
- Saw an episode of "Stump the Schwab" on ESPN, realized how much I detest sports commentators like Stuart Scott. Got me to thinking about how much I detest Chris Collinsworth, John Madden, Randy Cross, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, Skip Bayless, and Joe Buck. But Joe Buck is the worst. You hear me Buck? The worst!

Anyway, the leprechaun I keep around to hit stupid people with bottles is taking a nap, exhausted from a busy day's work involving Star Jones, Rosie O'donell, Alex Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, the gay guys from Amazing Race, Jake Gyllenhall and Jude Law so I'm going to make a sandwich.