Saturday, September 16, 2006

Make cash with the JargonBear

In my eternal effort to bring my vast sport knowledge to the masses, I have decided to begin the $100 sports betting experiment. Sometimes my skills of divination are called in to question by mere mortals, so I have decided to put them in to real terms, cold hard cash terms.

I am going to start with a bank roll of $100, and be letting you in on exactly what games and outcomes I will be betting on. I will be posting weekly updates as to my balance, which is sure to skyrocket. No kidding, I sometimes have to bet under an alias because the bookies fear the sound of my voice.

So, Week 1

All bets on ProLine (A Canadian government betting system)

Game 77 Arizona hosts Seattle - Tie (Less than 4 points difference)
Game 79 San Fran hosts St. Louis - Tie
Game 84 Cleveland hosts Cincinnati - Cincinnati to win
Game 85 Houston hosts Indianapolis - Indy to win

So, I’m betting $10. The potential payout if all 4 games are correct is, $198.00
I’ll see you next week when my bank roll has increased to $300.


Proline has 3 odds for each game. A home number, away number, and a tie number.
You essentially bet on which outcome you believe will occur. You can bet on anywhere from 3 to 6 games. You need to get each game correct to be paid. If all games are correct, it multiplies each games odds by your bet, and pays you out. Well maybe not you, but definitely me.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Black Dahlia opens today

So for a couple of weeks now it has been reported that in Scarlett Johanssen’s new film, The Black Dahlia, Scarlett gets busy in a manner that would make sailors blush. From the moment I read it I was like a six year old child who had just seen a commercial during Saturday morning cartoons a couple weeks before Christmas for the new Optimus Prime. No kidding, I was just giddy with excitement and wouldn’t let my mom and dad hear the end of it.

So, today was the day I had been crossing off days on the calendar in anticipation of and let me tell you;

It was like dad got laid off and I got a second hand Starscream instead.

Seriously, the scene was such a let down. I don’t know who started this hype, but if I find out and I come across their path, they better hope I don’t have an ice pick in my pocket. Honestly, Paris Hilton has better sex scenes saying hello to the neighbor’s dog.

Now I’m sad and off to look up pictures of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a boat or out of a car. (I know you’ve seen the pictures, I must admit much more nicely manicured than expected….)

As for a movie review, I give it a – Jack in the Box. Not a bad premise, slightly retro, everything worked as it should, but really didn’t do too much for me. However I can promise you the critics in the corner are saying that was the most excitement they’ve had in years and are ready to give it the toy of the year award!


I don’t want to be extreme here, but God, you owe me one.

Apology Accepted

Ok God, we're even!


Yes that's Jessica Biel, and yes she's getting hotter by the minute.

Wee Wie

Following Jb’s in depth investigative journalism last week about Michelle Wie, readers will be pleased to know that during today’s second round of the 84 Lumber Classic, Lady Wie has posted the enviable score of 81. Not to be confused with the also atrocious 77 she shot yesterday. Miss Wie currently sits in LAST PLACE AGAIN in this men’s PGA event, seemingly a common storyline for this situation.

When reached for comment Wie told me “Well, 84 Lumber Classic is a stupid tournament name anyway.”

I of course began to breathe heavily and then said in a high pitched voice “You wan cheecken flied lice!?!”.

Bear = 1
16 year old girl = 0


“Talks to Angels”……

Since today is Friday and it has the same ending as Wednesday which was Hump Day here is another candidate for the world famous I Would/Would not hump day competition.

Ms Kate Hudson. reports that Kate is still frolicking in Hawaii. Though other reports have stated she may be in the company of Owen Wilson (I know I’m “Jealous Again”), at least she got rid of that aging hippie, neckbearded Chris Robinson (you know, he’s in that awful band who has those awful songs from that awful album in 1990 that all your nerdy high school friends bought cause the store was sold out of “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt’em” – man, you guys sucked “Twice as Hard” as the band geeks).

Regardless, it is quite clear from this picture that I WOULD with Kate. Definitely. I’d even let her spank me with that oar while I sang “Hard to Handle” in an awful voice. If she were to “Shake her Moneymaker” for me all night, it would certainly be the “Remedy” I have been looking for these last 3 years…


Editors Note: If you haven’t noticed how I juxtaposed the names of some of the Black Crowes crappy songs into this story by now, then you probably don’t know what Juxtaposed means so forget it. Retard.

Lukas Rossi is a Champ

It is being reported that shortly after being declared the winner of Rock Star Supernova, Lukas Rossi was making his way from the after party to the club for the post after party with one of his new Supernova band members Tommy Lee, when her ditched his Girlfriend. Wow what a champ.

Seriously, can you imagine how hard it would be to ditch your girl just because you’re about to rocket to fame? It must be a tough decision, I mean it’s obvious she’s gonna weigh you down like an anchor, but beyond that, she’s just going to be disappointed when you bring anywhere from three to nine girls home on Friday night. Sure she’ll pretend it’s alright, and play along for a bit, but we all know she’ll be little miss grumpy pants when no one’s paying attention to her hole needs.

I applaud his decision, and quite frankly it has inspired me.

Britney, You’re cut.

I’m out!


I think Lukas deserves hero cookie number 2.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Real Fantasy Football

I’d like to speak to you all about something important and truly dear to my heart. Something that perhaps we take for granted on a regular basis and I find that very unfortunate. We have members of society among us who diligently work to improve our lives, with no regard to their own safety, egos or general well being. I truly believe it is important for us to stand up and recognize the importance these people play in the shaping of our dreams and visions.

I’m talking, of course, about Cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders are always smiling. That should be enough. But they also offer us halftime shows. How could you possibly make football better? Cheerleaders, that’s how. Ever need to know what day of the month it is? Well bust open you’re shiny new Cheerleader calendar my friend and they provide the answer. Who’s always available for an early death/gratuitous nudity scene in the latest horror flick? You know who. I bet if you put 30 cheerleaders in a locked room for 24 hours they come out with a cure for something. Maybe just a cure for that 4 hour Viagra side effect, but still a cure.

Moment of silence please……

What are you hiding under there....?

Go! Charge! Yeah! Ummmm!

A sincere thank you, from my dreams, my left hand, my cable subscriber, and internet junkies everywhere.


Thanks to random people, other sites, and Google Images for the pics…….

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bobby Brown's New Girl

By now you must have heard that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are on the rocks. Well, TMZ reports that this may be the reason why. Karrine Steffans. (On the left)

You know how I know this relationship will work? Because it looks like she's already covering up two black eyes. Bobby can get his smack on, and the girl won't look any different. Who cares if Bobby's Favorite colors on a girl are Black and Blue with a hint of yellow.

It's his perogative.


about the picture. I know it appears to say wire image on the bottom, but my good friend bixente said it was legit. I believe him cuz, he's going to be on survivor.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck in Humpday number two.

This week’s hump day is dedicated to Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s that she looks like a cross between my first baby sitter and my second grade teacher, both of whom I had an almost disturbing crush on. Actually to tell you the truth, I have not idea what either of them looked like, because Liz has been playing their role in ever dream I've had about them since 2001. I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since being introduced to her as a barramundi tribe member in the Australian outback. I was seriously addicted to that show back then.

(Insert your own joke here about barramundi. i.e.: I’d like to burry my mundi in her, See her mundi, blah blah blah…)

Seriously, it was as if Survivor was the antidote. I could not get enough, and it was entirely due to Liz. (Gonna post a Steve Irwin joke here, but, too soon and off side)

Now a days she makes her living sitting in on the view. I find her just humpable enough to sometimes check in on the goings on at the View. It’s kind of an emotional gamble when I do so however. Depending on what the camera is picking up at any given moment I feel like a;

Monkey’s tail
Egyptian Sphinx

In case you haven’t picked up on it. I’m referring to my cash and prizes. (Dane cook reference)

Rosie O’Donnel makes it shrivel up like a dam turtle.
Barbara Walters makes it feel like a two thousand year old crumbling lump
Joy Behar makes it hang like a monkeys tail, no real opinion but still curious enough to leap in to action at any given moment.
Liz – Giraffe neck

Liz = Giraffe Neck = Humpable


To check out previous hump days number click here

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Lululemon Athletica

Was gonna post. Read gB's Post. It was Funny. Don't want to detract.
Lululemon Good. Yum. Like Scarlett Johansson. Yum Yum. All other clothes bad. Yuck. Like Rosie O'Donnell. Yuck Yuck.


So Survivor is coming back on line for a new season in the Cook Islands. Normally, I wouldn’t care because I think that being on that show is about as tough as getting a pedicure. Boo hoo, a month away from home, beautiful beach, a nice tan, summer camp games and really, couldn’t we all stand to lose 10 pounds on a leaner diet? You’re mom could.

Anyway, the point of interest here is that the teams are now divided ethnically. The Chicago Tribune website says -

“For the 13th edition of the show, there will be an Asian-American team (which will include Lake Forest resident Jenny Guzon-Bae), an African-American team, a Hispanic team and a white team. Eventually the team members will unite to form diverse teams.”

Can’t we already see where this is going? The “white team” will be paying the Hispanic team $0.50 on the dollar to build their shelter for them, all the while complaining to the producers that they shouldn’t have to share their island with them. Then the Hispanic team would quit working and march on the tribal council demanding better wages and that even though they snuck onto the island and are participating illegally on the show, now that they have built a home and are doing work the past should be forgotten. While Jeff Probst is pondering the demands of the soon to be majority of southern California, the Asian American team has fashioned a solar powered straw automobile that helps them cruise the rest of the island, stockpiling supplies to create the world’s first coconut MP3 player.

I’d let you know what the African American team is doing but the Black Panthers just opened a new chapter in my city and I’d rather hide under the desk.

When enough players are eliminated, and the tribes merge, eventually someone will win. And then someone in America (Land of the Free…..) will start bitching about the person who won (who won't be white) and how it was all a fix from the beginning (cause it probably is). So really, once the thin girls who belong in bikinis have been eliminated, there’s really no point in watching anymore.

I learned all this by going to University. And from TV. Well mostly TV cause I was so hungover in University. And skipped a lot of classes. To drink more. Understand?


Monday, September 11, 2006

Brad Pitt to Wed when U.S. allows Gay Marriage

So, MSN reports that Brad Pitt is holding out for the United States to change the same sex marriage law before he ties the knot.
You can read the article here;

So, what I’m getting out of this is;

Brad Pitt may be a gay female. Seriously, you’re with what might be one of the most beautiful women on the planet, you have a family, albeit a mostly adopted family, (and who’s to say the mailman isn’t responsible for little Shiloh), and you are waiting for the same sex marriage law to change before sealing the deal???

I can’t remember the last time I was this suspicious of another bear. Oh wait, yes I can. It was that green pantsuit wearing Sunni. You know Sunni, she used to go bouncing here and there and everywhere. Something, something… high adventure that’s beyond compare…
Gummi Bears!!!!

No kidding that girl was headed for a lifetime of same gender lovin’. She didn’t stand a chance. Had the show ever had a visiting female bear they would have spent so much time “canoodling” that she would have immediately fallen in to a comatose state of hibernation never to arise until next spring when the gummi berries were ripe for the picking.


Man did I love that show! Seriously, up there with Transformers and Thundercats. Wayyyy above Inspector Gadget and Smurfs.

This Weekend's Movie Review

So it's monday morning, and time for the weekend movie review.

Actually, who are we kidding. Nobody went to a movie this weekend.

According to the top ten movies did a cumulative $49M this weekend. That's all ten movies combined. That's not a bad opening for a movie, but that's a really crappy weekend for an industry.

When the second pirates film was released it did over $135M on it's own.

If I had to rate all the movies from this past weekend as halloween candy loot, they would all get a rating of Raisins. Seriously, who still gives out raisins. Why not just give me an apple? Sorry, back to the point;

Moral of this story?? I didn't see a movie this weekend because they all sucked. And there was way to much football to be watched. Let's not kid ourselves, you're not gonna miss the movie review anyway....


Fergie, had a Meth habit?

TMZ reports that Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas, had a meth habit.

Fergie had a drug habit?
I almost fell off my chair when I read this. This isn’t news. You could tell this Maury Pobitch had a meth habit if you were looking at her from one hundred paces. You know, cuz it makes your face all creepy crawly and you scratch it up. In this case, her face barely looks human. It’s like she’s almost human, but there’s just something about her that makes her different. You know, like Oliphants are just different enough from Elephants to earn that unique Vowel.

I guess that means Fergie’s a homan!


Today’s post was brought to you by the letter O, the number 11 and references to the Lord of the Rings, Sesame street, and the maury pobitch comment from last nights simpsons.


I was just informed that the PoBitch slag was actually from the Family Guy episode. Oops, I have to admit, I may have kinda sorta been dozing off at that point. Writing a blog is hard work, and come Sunday night, it's a struggle to even keep my eyes open. Not to mention my side job as a SuperHero.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

NFL Picks - Week One

Please note, because this is week one, probably not wise to start throwing down what’s left of the farm against the spread. We at Jargonbear suggest picking straight winners (no spread) against people you know, then using that money to own the spread next week once you’ve had a chance to see the teams play. Not that we advocate gambling, it can wreck homes and ruin lives. But I bet you can’t not gamble this weekend……

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers – Mike Vick looks good on highlight films, too bad he hasn’t been seen on many in the past season. He’s a fantasy pool cancer so trade him if you can. The Panthers D should carry the game, even without Steve Smith Carolina will take this one.
Winner: Oh Carolina (but when you bet you have to say it in Shaggy’s fake reggae voice)

Baltimore Ravens at Tampa Bay Bucs – Chris Simms is still learning, but Cadillac Williams is ahead of the curve. The Ravens picked up Steve McNair to briefly solve the Kyle Boller experiment, but McNair is buyer beware and nobody bought the extended warranty. Lack of receiving core and overweight Jamal Lewis means the Swashbucklers take this one at home.
Winner: Tampa Bay (they have a boat built into the stadium, that’s cool…or gay.)

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots – You want to bet against Tom Brady at home vs. a bottom 3 offense from last year that made no significant changes this season? That’s why you’re broke.
Winner: Clam Chowder

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs – Toughest pick of the week, at least since I had the major “bat in the cave” on Tuesday. Carson Palmer looked good in preseason but what about for a whole game that means something. Larry Johnson will be on a mission to make everybody forget that Priest Holmes ever existed.
Winner: The Tabby Cats in a high scoring affair

Denver Broncos at St Louis Rams – You know those chocolate cakes that have the cream in the middle called Joe Louis? I love those things. I don’t know why I thought of that just now but it’s better than writing “I don’t know” for this analysis.
Winner: Horsepower outworks weak Rams D, but just barely….

New Orleans Saints at Cleveland Browns – Big time ground game, expect Bush to get more receptions than carries. Saints are used to playing on the road by now, but Charlie Frye will impress in home opener.
Winner – Browns (Fantasy surprise - Kellen Winslow makes it through game uninjured)

NY Jets at Tennessee Titans – Though possible to see all 3 Titan QB’s today, Jets squad not ready to beat the teenagers from Varsity Blues
Winner – People who didn’t pay to attend this game (or Titans)

Philadelphia Eagles at Houston Texans – First opportunity for fans to truly experience the idiocy of not drafting Reggie Bush. Mario Williams gets first career sack, then gets punched in the sack for letting Mcnabb torch them for 300 in the air and 110 on the ground.
Winner: Guy from chunky soup commercial (not Jerome Bettis, the other one)

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions - New offensive minded head coach and coordinator is good news for Lions, having crappy Jon Kitna to execute offense bad news for Lions. Shaun Alexander runs for 2 and Matt Millen still doesn’t get fired.
Winner: The Birds

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre throws 11 interceptions and the Bears D does what everybody says it will do.
Winner: JargonBears

Dallas Cowboys at Jacksonville Jaguars – TO grabs 11 balls for 106 yards and a score. The he grabs his balls and gets fined by the league. Jags put up decent effort but believe the hype, at least for this week.
Winner: America’s team (barf…)

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals – Boldin and Fitzgerald spend so much time racking up deep yards that 49ers completely forget about Edgerrin James and he punishes them from 10 yards out.
Winner: Barry Bonds cause nobody will be complaining about him for one day (Arizona)

Indianapolis Colts at NY Giants – Manning v. Manning. Game of the week on Sunday night. Great crowd, night game, and the kid from Deliverance has grown up to beat his slightly younger, slightly more retarded looking brother.
Winner: Dueling banjos everywhere (Peyton owns little bro, until the playoffs…)

Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins – Gotta get me one of them Viking boat parties going. Damn! Redskins preseason rust wears off, Brunell pulls it off in the 4th quarter.
Winner: Tolerance Lobby Groups. Monday night exposure lets them get back on the wagon for getting rid of Native American named sports teams. After the Skins win of course.

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders – Look for my super drunk buddy Ducklip in the cheap seats at this one. Can be identified by embarrassed wife sitting next to him. Brooks is awful. Don’t ever trust him. Randy Moss doesn’t.
Winner: Ladanian and Antonio (football players, or your waiters from the Blue Oyster?)

There it is, you heard it here first. We’ll keep a record of how we do this season so the jury has evidence as to why you lost all your worldly possessions.


"C'mon Peyton, time for your nap...."

Rage Meter Part Deux

7 – Tripping on a public staircase and looking around to make sure everybody else is pretending they didn’t see anything

22.4 – This rash that seems to be …………..nevermind

39 and a half – Flesh colored banana hammocks

Gretzky’s Jersey – My sausage fingers on my cell phone buttons

Gretzky’s Jersey + 6 – “Loosen up my Buttons” by Pussycat Dolls

Gretzky’s Jersey + Lemieux’s Jersey = Baseball still has about 209 regular season games left to play

372 – Skinny dogs (usually found unchained in yards with cars up on blocks)

1004 – T-roofs, Zubaz pants, fanny packs

17,043 – That bearded dude from the Canadian Tire commercials (who’s with me?)

Album of the week:

Depeche Mode – Violator (1990)