Monday, April 02, 2007

Courtney Love was on the Fraggles

Turns out Ms. Cobain was formerly emplyed by the Jim henson corporation to moonlight as a fraggle.

Which fraggle you ask?

Check it out....

I hear they just zoomed in on her mid section and this was the result.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Federer wins again!

Turns out Roger Federer owns a little bit of the old US of A. That little bit is called Andy Roddick.

You see, Thursday afternoon down in the land of sexy accents, promiscuous ladies and lazy bears, at the Australian Open, Roger Federe cruised past Andy Roddick and secured his place in the Final.

The score looked like this;

6-4, 6-0, 6-2,

I think it was Roger's three hundreth consecutive victory and Wiley Coyote's I mean Andy Roddick's nine gazillionth straight loss to the swiss man.

Roger Good, Andy Bad.....

Other things that are good;

1. Girls
2. Panthro
3. All the Thundercats for that matter
4. Transformers, namely the Autobots
5. The barbapapas. Mostly good at buliding things but still deserve to be mentioned here. (Incidentally Barbapapa's New House might be my all time favorite book)

6. Kathrine from 1987's Tv hit Beauty and the beast - Props to you if you remeber this, props or so sorry about the career Vincent.

7. Speedy Gonzalez Cartoons

Things that suck like Roddick

1. Decepticons
2. Luc et Martine books. (If you had the pleasure of attending a french school you're picking up what I'm putting down here)
3. Fido (The stupid chien from #2)
4. Mr. Gadget cartoons that I had to watch while waiting for real cartoons like Transformers and Gummie Bears
5. Gargamel and Azriel
6. Skeletor
7. Gb


Tuesday, January 23, 2007


I bet you didn't think you'd see this when you went out on a limb and typed in our little web address for shats and giggles.

I also didn't think that I would ever get tired, much less offended by the sight of little miss Spears' Va-JJ. Hey things change...(hopefully next up is Kristanna Loken's sexual orientation)

Wait, scratch that. I just googled the wench and it turns out she could probably terminate the mightiest of my erections and not in the happy ending kind of way.

Speaking of Happy endings, I thought I'd return to the world of the blogger with what might be the happiest of my posts. The Hump Day Post!

This weeks hump day spotlight is shone on someone who Imdb has credited with more stage 3 Rapid eye movement happy endings than David Spade has failed sitcoms. Seriously the dude should be credited as the cancer that will eventually put any show he appears on to bed. (Hey slow guy. Rapid Eye movement, or REM, if you will, is a stage of sleep. Keep that in mind and now go re-read the last paragraph.)

Much funnier now isn't it. Yes JargonBear prides itself on it's high brow humour and by being able to spread education round the world. Now you should go host a dinner party and impress all your guests with your new knowledge.

Alas I digress. Back to Little Miss Nocturnal Emission. Now let me think. Her name seems to elude me....


I see cabinets...

I think it's a kitchen, yes. Through the kitchen and up the back stairs to the attic. Yes there she is. Becky? Is that you? Yes. Rebecca Donaldson! (I prefer to completely disregard that Becky Katsopolis part of the story line)

Seriously. Lori Laughlin was the only good reason to watch Full House. She was spectacular. 1988 was a very good year for me. I had the Olympics in my back yard, this being little more than a bragging point because I chose to stay inside and watch F.H. with adoring eyes. (You know the kind of adoring eyes you had for your first babysitter, or your first hot teacher. Coincidentally 1988 grade 3 St. Gerard's. Mme Marshall)

Honestly, not much else to say. She knocked my socks off. I must have had a thing for older women. Thankfully I have since come to my senses and got my socks back! Older women...what was I thinking? You don't shop for old cars. You want the most recent model possible... (I think she's born in '64. (A good year for Bryan Adam's) but slightly before my time) Which pretty much makes her a fossil. A fossil I will forever adore.

Miss Laughlin, welcome to the right side of the Hump Day Club.


Hey Gb, how bout a little post action. Haven't seen anything out of you in months. You're letting this blog down by not posting just about as much as our readers are letting us down by not making us any money.

Don't even get me started on you Tb. (For those of you who haven't read any of TeabagBear's material, oh wait he has yet to post)

Pick up your manties Tb.

And as an appology for not posting for a while, I leave you with a little picture I drew back in the day. (it was a wednesday)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


So, I think I have about eight thousand hockey cards at home. Eight thousand hockey cards of the budget variety. You see, my parents would never let me buy the upper deck cards because they were a couple dollars more expensive, and justifiably so, because they were much higher quality.

The conundrum begins because I have this obscene amount of hockey cards, worth next to nothing, because they’re the ghetto brand, yet, I still hang on to them, hoping that some day they will once again become valuable.

I’ve had this mentality with many things in my life, and to date have been burned 986,213 times. (for anyone who cares, satan’s batting 100% on this one, as I have yet to have my faith rewarded)


And let me tell you, all is forgiven.

I don’t care what you say, my continued faith and dedication to Little miss Brit has paid off. I knew someday she would be back.

Even if the numbers still look skewed, 986,213 to 1, I feel vindicated, as this might actually be the most important battle. It’s kind of like the Mongols. They won something like 8 trillion straight battles, but they lost the last one, the most important one and where are they now?

I’m pretty much giddy.

Britney Spears is;

A) hot again
B) Lost a lot of weight (Mostly of the crappy rapper variety)
C) Still not returning my calls.

Man it’s a good day!


If you follow only one link today, make it the Lost a lot of weight one above. It's where you'll learn from TMZ that Britney is finally divorcing that trash bucket parasite. Only comfort for Kfed, he could probably make a pretty good mattress out of all the bags of throw up he's recieved and stashed in his closet hoping that someday they'd be worth something!


nuff said


Anyone have some Toilet Paper?

Well, that’s it, we might as well let the terrorists take over. You see there is no hope for this western way of life anymore. You know why? Because I was just treated to the newest offering by former meth addict Stacy Ferguson, AKA Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am often somewhat grumpy, and I hold a general dislike for an awful lot of things. Now, when I first heard this song on radio this morning, I said to myself “Holy crap am I angry!!! How on Earth does a song this awful get played for the public?” And then I became increasingly enraged and thought “Who would possibly pay for studio time, sign her to a record label, and have the audacity to put out an entire compact disc of this poo?” Cause really, this is what poo would sound like if you wiped some poo on a cd and then put the cd in your stereo. And then you would be like “Oh man this poo really sounds bad, and how disappointing that I got some poo on my fingers when I opened the case.” So you can thank Fergie for getting poo on your hand, and for making you stupider with every word that this monstrosity provides. Her lyrics make “Green Eggs and Ham” sound like Hamlet.

And then the rage meter (remember that?) went through the roof when I finally realized that this is all your fault. You, the general public - teeming masses of sheep, who work for a living and then spend your hard earned money on poo cd’s. Because the record company wouldn’t make it if they thought you won’t buy it. And then you do. You buy the poo. Why do you pay for something you can get for free? This is why goat touching, mouth breathers like K-Fed still think he’s gonna be successful, because if you bought this poo, maybe you’ll buy his poo too.

So for all you people who buy poo like this Fergie cd, and watch poo like American Idol, Wife Swap, and anything on the WB network , and who listen to other poo like Uncle Kracker, James Blunt, Korn, R Kelly, Toby Keith, Matchbox 20 and Nickelback, and people who think that baseball is actually a sport..................congratulations…….you are single handedly responsible for the complete demise of our society.

As for me, I’m still awesome, cause I just mailed Fergie a bag of throw up.


Don’t watch this if you have an exam tomorrow……

Monday, November 06, 2006

Let's do the Dance of Joy

Dear Cousin Jb, that is by far the best Balki Bartokomous reference I have heard in the last 10 years. And I think there have been at least 4 of them in that time. The episode when Larry and Balki go to the gym for the first time and then they fall asleep on the couch immediatley after and can't move during their dates with Maryanne and Jennifer that night is one of the top 25 greatest televsion episodes in history. Excuse me while I go rent the box sets of Perfect Strangers, Bosom Buddies, and Night Court, then kill myself.


hmmm.........anyone else feel another list brewing?

Borat Rules America

The weekend take is in. ImDB Estimates that Borat, Cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan took in $26.4 Million this weekend. That put it in the number one slot for this weekend. Pretty impressive for a Kazakhstani peasant.

What makes it far more inpressive is that it only opened in limited release. IMDB actually has a per screen average figure, and when we take a quick look at that, we see exactly how badly Borat blew away the competition.

Borat took in over$31,500 per sreen. The second best per sreen total was, The Queen with $7,777 per.

Ummm that's ridiculous. That's like comparing Jessica Simpson to the old Ashley Simpson. There's no comparison to be made. One is clearly superior.
Like comparing G.I. Joe to Ken dolls.

Never in the history of entertainment has the North American continent been so enthrawled with a man playing a funny speaking foreigner!

Well not recently...


Congratulations Borat, you're the new Balki Bartokomous!!!

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Let’s take a moment and appreciate the significance of what is going on around you right now. If you have not heard yet, Bob Barker, host of the game show “The Price is Right” is stepping down after 35 years. This man is a legend. You know why. Because his job for 35 years consisted of standing around and talking for an hour, 5 days a week. Rest assured that he made a boatload of money for his mindless banter. Wouldn’t you love to make a boatload of money for standing around talking? Oh wait, he also got to hang out with beautiful models for 35 years. And he slept with one of them and had them fired when he felt like it. Sure, there was some lawsuits, but what did it matter to him, the network took care of everything. So remember when you were thinking about how much you would like to make a boatload of money for smiling, standing and talking? How do you feel about it now that you know about the girls? And what about all the contestants kissing him? Sure there were some grannies and probably trannies, but some of those girls were spectacular. And his vocabulary never had to go much deeper than “car, hot tub, golf clubs, vacation, and showcase showdown”. You know what words doctors have to learn to get rich “myocardial, defibrillator, hematoma….” See my point? This man is very rich, very famous, hangs with models, still has all of his hair, and has to do very little at his job for all this. Did I forget to mention he is trained in martial arts by none other than the Champ Chuck Norris? It’s true, you can look it up.

Bob Barker, you are a man’s man and a champion of society, we salute you.


Check out some of the sordid details at this link….

And don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Jerrica Benton - come on down!

You're the next contestant on the Hump day Club...

You guessed it. It is officially Wednesday and time for the highlight of your week. The latest celebrity to be added to the humpday sorority is Jerrica Benton. Jerrica Benton is absolutely in the hump catergory. In fact I don’t think there has been anyone in history who has been a clearer hump than Jerrica.

Some of you may not know Jerrica, so let’s begin with a bit of background on her. I was introduced to her probably about fifteen years ago on a television program. Although I’ve been aware of her for over a decade now, Jerrica has aged wayyyy more gracefully than any other woman on whom I held a crush at that developmentally crucial point of my life. (Other crushes included Kimmi Gibler, Jenny Garth and all the babes of baywatch)

Jerrica was, and probably still is, the owner manager of Starlight music.

She has a couple close friends and is often spotted performing with them. I occasionally forget their names, but believe they are; Kimber, Aja and Shana.

As if the T.V. show and successful career weren’t enough to justify putting her in the right side of a humpday update she’s also part of a band.

(If you remember Jerrica yet, you’re a champ)

Jerrica has a nickname;

It’s Jem!

Her friends have a nickname; It’s the Holograms.

Man did I have it bad for Jem. Sad part is, I think it was just an innocent crush. Someone needs to do a Hentai - Jem crossover cartoon! Hey Japan, wanna jump on that. I know you’re not preoccupied dealing with the North Korea Situation.


If you try, even for a minute. to tell me that you didn't want to be apart of jem and the holograms when it was on tv, I will call you a filthy liar. Come on man, we've grown up. It was cool to lie about things on the playground in elementary so you wouldn't get teased, but man up buddy! You watched it and you had dreams about tugging on your own earrings and saying, "it's show time synergy" and magically being transformed in to a female rock star. Admit it you queer!

You're Truly outrageous!