Thursday, September 21, 2006

Who's the Boss?

Anybody out there who is looking for a little supervision in their life, almost like a conscience but way cooler, should hire me for the role of Chief Executive Officer of Common Sense. Every day I see people make astoundingly poor decisions concerning their lives, careers, etc. I just want to help out. For a fee of course. Nothing is free – that’s your first lesson. Here are some more examples of questions you may ask yourself that I could then answer and save the day…..

- “Should I wear these white socks with sandals?”
Answer: You are a moron, if it is cold enough for you to contemplate wearing socks then you should not consider wearing sandals. No exceptions.

- “Are these black jeans good enough for the wedding this weekend?”
Answer: Is the wedding being performed at Green Acres Campsite and RV Pads? If not then I would hit you with a frying pan. Have the courtesy to wear at least khakis with a collared shirt. It’s not 1987. Better even to have a tie, then you can tie it around your forehead and people will understand when you spill your drink on the bride while trying to kiss her.

- “Should I wear a condom?”
Answer: Tough call. You see regular common sense would dictate that yes, you should, since you really don’t want to be walking around with VD. That being, said, there’s definitely a case to made for the fact that your mug ain’t pleasing the ladies so much so you should take it when you can get it.

- “Aren’t these vanity plates cool?”
Answer: I would not answer you with words, but with a backhand slap to the left cheek. Seriously, everybody hates these, nobody understands whatever personal reference you are trying to imply. Unless it says ‘ASSMAN’, that was cool, but it’s been done. Then I would slap you again.

- “Do sweatpants count for casual Friday?”
Answer: Yes, if you are the DJ at a nudie bar. If not, how on earth did you get a job?

- “Should my team sign a goalie to a 15 year, $67.5 million guaranteed contract even though he has no playoff success record, and I still need help at about 14 other positions and need to do it under a salary cap…?”
Answer: Dear Mr. Wang (owner of the NY Islanders) – you clearly have no business owning a professional sports team, you should get into baseball. I hope the other owners tar and feather you at the annual general meeting. Great name though…….

Feel free to send in your comments and questions to the JargonBear and I will assess your situation and provide my professional advice to your dilemma.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Rachel Makes the Hump Day Club

Hump DAy Number 3

It’s Hump Day! I don’t have a lot of time to post as I’m on my way out of town for a conference. I had a quick trip down memory lane to try and find a girl from my past who was hump worthy. I must admit I was a bit gun-shy at doing this because I had been burned so many times in the past. Like that super cute girl that was in your grade two class you had a crush on, but she ended up moving to another school. Almost every time I run in to that girl fifteen years later, turns out she’s bre-X’d. You know, tanked, crashed, ballooned or just plain turned Fugly.

Now this brings me to S club Rachel. Rachel was hot enough to be a legitimate excuse for watching S Club Seven, (I watched for Rachel you watched so you could perfect the jumping air sign Seven) however I approached with my usual reserved attitude when I took it upon myself to look her up.

Well, looks like me and fate are even. Rachel is as hot as ever, and makes up for any disappointment from my past. She kind of gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Hear that Rachel, it’s fate.

Call me


Hump DAy 2
Hump Day 1

DNA, Clonings and the American Way

Do you know who that is in the first pic? It’s Polly. The world’s first genetically engineered sheep. Remember her? I don’t know how old she would be, maybe eight, ?(what's that is sheep years?) but the point is, mankind has found a way to recreate DNA and make a clone of a living animal. Pretty impressive stuff. Don’t you think? Oh you don’t. You think that opening that beer bottle with your teeth is impressive. Huh. Well, you’re right, but this is pretty neat too….

Not only do we have the ability to create something from scratch that is 100% alike to another living organism, but we can actually change things in mid life to resemble other living organisms. Now the genetic make-up will not be identical as in the Polly example but I think we can all agree that Ashley looks a lot better and a lot more similar to Jessica, than she used to.

Now, the point of all this is…

Smarter people than you have found some pretty ingenious ways to do some fairly amazing things but I’m supposed to believe the best way to dry my hands in a public place is to hold them under some piece of sh!% hot air box for about 14 minutes? I think the only reason my hands get remotely dry is from the fumes coming from my face as I rage at the ineffectiveness of those mechanical failures. The Asian team can make coconut MP3 players and we can’t produce something effective to dry off our hands!? UNACCEPTABLE! (note the unadulterated outrage being described through the use of the caps lock button).

Really, can we do something about this? I’m tired of walking out of public restrooms and having to wipe my hands on my sweatpants. It raises the risk of just getting the boogers back on my fingers. And that is just obscene.


and while you’re at it, find a way to make baseball vaguely entertaining.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Scooby Doobie Doo

On September 12 (last week) Justin Timberlake released an apparently anticipated new album called “FutureSex/LoveSounds” which included his big summer single release “SexyBack”.

I for one would like to know which “Sexy” Justin is bringing back. Is it the “Sexy” that:

-had him prancing around in sleeveless shirts with 4 (one confirmed, three pending) asstronauts in training?

-or the one where he had a perm?

-was when he started dating a woman 22 years older than him who looks like a train wreck on crystal meth

-or does he just mean he has a “Sexy” back?

Anyone know some teenagers with a talking dog that can get to the bottom of this mystery?


Editors Note: No pictures will accompany this post in recognition of the literacy problem that is rampant in this country. Plus our research department is having a huge bash right now, I heard that Vicki from Accounting is already dancing on a table.

Words of Wisdom

Confuscious says:

"Man who goes to sleep with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger......"

Well, that would explain it...............


Monday, September 18, 2006

Fergie's Duchess Drops Today!!

I have to apologize in advance. I will not be able to post today. Fergie has a new album that drops today, “Duchess”, and having got a taste of what she has to offer with chart toppers like London Bridge, I know there will be a ridiculous line up.

I’m pretty sure that animal could have put out a better disk than this even without a hand puppeteering him. That’s right, a limp lifeless chunk of fur could make music that I would rather listen to. That’s not to say that Animal didn’t have talent. He was by far the coolest muppet. Come to think of it, I bet Animal would be better in bed. I’m sure most of the time Fergie was just laying there half conscious waiting for it to end so bitz would get paid! By the way, that’s not gay because animal was never confirmed as a dude and I said I bet, not he was.


Other album’s dropping today;

I just checked and save yourself the four seconds. Nothing worth picking up, other than maybe

lullaby renditions of Pink Floyd

GI (gastrointestinal) Joe

Had a Starbucks coffee today. Then I barfed. And I’m not even a super model. Anymore. But that’s beside the point. Starbucks coffee is gross. Beyond gross. In fact, if I put some molasses in a cup, added a drop of vinegar, spit some chewing tobacco into it twice, and then topped it off with a hint of gasoline, I believe I would have a better cup than Starbucks has to offer.

And yet there is a Starbucks on every corner throughout your city with people lining up to pay $4.00 for a double mocha grande half-latte reverse cappucini with a hint of lime. Are you people retarded? Are you so beaten down by major corporations and movie star publicity shots that you completely give up on your own sense of taste?

Speaking of poor taste, you know who drinks Starbucks - Ben Affleck, that’s who. And you know what he does. Nothing. But you also pay $10.50 every time one of his big screen atrocities comes to town. In fact, you probably almost cry into your coffee cup every time you watch Armageddon and Bruce Willis switches spots with Ben Affleck to save the world and everybody’s yelling and crying……………………hang on a sec I have something in my eye……………..


Someone should tell this homeless dude his newspaper is upside down.....

Remember Hanson. MmmmmBop!!!

Hanson #2 is trying to spawn a kid band of his own.

People magazine reports;

“Taylor Hanson, the middle brother in the band Hanson, and his wife, Natalie, have welcomed their third child, a son, the band announced on its official Web site.”

Mmmmm Bop!!! I can’t quite put my finger on what’s the most surprising part of this story. Is it?

I still remember who this lunchbox is?
That this wash up isn’t living on the streets letting people piss on him for their spare change?
That buddy isn’t putting from the rough?


Even if I can’t tell which one is most surprising, I think we can all agree that news that this little pukes kid brother, I think he was the drummer, is in Dubai working as M.J.’s personal ASSistant is the least shocking. Ping! did you hear that ping? That's the sound I make after I've just made something up.

I just realized that dude's head is huge! Seriously, look at the pic. His head is twice the size of his wife's. They're so close in the picture due to the gravitational field created by his noggin. PING!

Jessica Biel has a Snake in her Mouth

I don’t usually post pictures that don’t do people justice. This picture definitely doesn’t do Jessica Biel justice as the stunning beauty she really is, but it does have a purpose. It would explain this.


Lucky girl….

That's better.

Lindsay Lohan Rushed to Hospital

TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan was rushed to hospital after breaking her left wrist at a fashion week party. She was attending an event at blah blah blah… Not really what I’m concerned about.

I really just want to know if she’s left or right handed. I figure if she’s naturally left handed her income will drop by about eighty percent until the hand is healed. There’s no way she’ll be able to earn as much crack with her off hand. (H.J.’s for crack?)


Every cloud has a silver lining. Once she’s all healed up she’ll be much more ambidextrous, and possibly be able to fluff guys double time, which will no doubt allow her to be railed by at least twice as many dudes.

If you don’t get the fluff reference you may need to check out this link.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Pirates Hits $1B Worldwide

The second installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest broke the One Billion Dollar mark world wide this week. It is only the third movie all time to do so, the other two being; Titanic and The Lord of the Rings, Return of the King.

I would like to personally congratulate Keira Knightley on the achievement. So Keira, give me a shout, and I’ll spring for an ice cream or something.


My real motivation for this post was to share with all of you this picture that K.K. sent me.

Amazing Race 10 Premieres

Sunday saw the premiere of the latest installment of the Amazing race. I think it’s amazing race 64. Whatever, here’s my pre-race team comments.

Brown team – Would have a better chance of winning if someone would just arrange it. (Arranged marriage joke, no? didn’t work? Hey I never asked you to read it)

Hicks – David and Marie. Met working at McDonald’s! Looking forward to a dentist visit if they win. Hey, who’s watching their 13 kids? Ah who cares, they’re probably better off without their parents anyway.

Black team – Look for this team to make up a lot of ground at pitstops. They should be used to having other people make them do work.

Cheerleaders – Kellie and Jamie. It’s already been broughten. Hot girls never win, but the producer keeps them around a while for ratings. Look for them to exit at about the 4 teams left mark.

Muslims –Do you think these two are gonna get through security in even half the airports they visit? Odds to win 2.4 million to 1.

Peter and Sarah – Sarah is missing a leg. They’re both Iron man competitors, and they only need to carry 75% of the body the other teams need to carry? Looks like a lock. 5 – 1 to win unless one of the other teams steal her prosthetic leg. Look for them to kill in the three legged race pit stop.

Miss America – Dustin and Candice. Lost at miss America pageant, look for the trend to continue. Maybe after losing again they’ll agree to be in Big Brother seventy eight or the surreal life so I can watch them sleep. (Did you get the; I’m creeped out shivers? Hey, Creepy is the new cool) Tenth runner up.

All the other teams – Didn’t make enough of an impression to deserve a comment. Plus they’re all gay. Some Gay dudes, ex-druggies turned life partner models, estranged father – lesbian daughter.

The first episode includes a plot twist where a team is eliminated mid race resulting in the Muslim team being eliminated. All the other teams pay lip service by saying they’re so sad, they were such nice people, but you could plainly see everyone breathe a sigh of relief. Coincidentally, it was at this point in the episode that all the teams abandoned the mandatory 100 meter buffer around other teams’ vehicles.