Friday, September 01, 2006


Friday, Sep. 1
Tennessee at Green Bay 4:00 p.m.
Cincinnati at Indianapolis 7:00 p.m.
Philadelphia at N.Y. Jets 7:00 p.m.
San Diego at San Francisco 10:00 p.m.

Since we were so super trashed at the VIP party (not the one in New York, the one in Jim’s back yard, you know, that one…) for the VMA’s yesterday we totally missed making the picks on all the football games yesterday. But that’s ok because preseason sucks like the movie CB4. So anyway, here are some picks for tonight’s games to tide you over until the real season starts.

TENN @ GB – This game is paradigm. On one hand you have Tennessee whose almost starting QB has demanded a trade and they have signed former Super Bowl appearing QB and regular drunk Kerry Collins. On the other Brett Favre is showing signs of Alzheimer’s claiming this may be the most talented squad he’s played with (psst….he thinks it’s 1996) and GB have like 7 running backs coming back from massive knee repairs.

Bet: $9.00 that someone is going to win (hurry up this game started 4 minutes ago)

CIN @ INDY – You’ll see Peyton and Palmer for a little bit in this final warm up so the first half might be decent. Otherwise, focus on Indy’s running backs (Addai, Rhodes) to see who looks better for your fantasy pool. Then realize that both guys have been taken by other teams and you’re stuck with Priest Holmes not realizing he may never play again. Dumbass.

Bet: $20.00 that in a high scoring affair Cincy’s defense shut’s down Indy’s back up offense in the second half.

PHI @ NYJ – Wait, New York has two teams?????

Bet: Don’t; the line should be quite in favor of the Eagles and you won’t win anything worthwhile. I’m too lazy to look it up but I’m almost never wrong. Or always right. One of those anyway.

SD @ SF – San Francisco showed no signs of being able to beat a PAC-10 team last season and they have added little to change that opinion.

Bet: The Farm; if this was regular season. Since it’s only Preseason and Philip Rivers is still learning, only bet the portion of the farm that doesn’t earn its keep.


X box, NFL, Madden all way better than you

EA Sports released its latest Madden Sports title last week, Madden NFL 07. In one week it sold over $100 million dollars. That’s two hundred million copies. Let’s take a moment to analyze that.

100 million times the amount of viewers last nights VMA awards should have had. (It sucked like Paris sucks at sucking. Don’t pretend you haven’t seen it, Paris that is. Not the VMA’s)

66 planes full of 30,000 snakes

Roughly 20 times the amount of people Lindsay Lohan has spent the night with.

30 times the opening weekend take for BEERFEST.

And perhaps most importantly, 67,000 times the amount of readers this site has. (And I’ll be honest, I’m being generous to myself here)

I have yet to give the game a test ride, but I think I may just have to, and include it in the Tuesday DVD / CD / Video game review.


I was going to compare the $100 million take to Bill Gates net worth, but then I realized that’s a circular reference.

Meat and Potatoes

I noticed a number of things during last night’s MTV Video Awards, things that perhaps the general populace may not have picked up since I’m smarter than the average bear.

First of all Jack Black is brutal. He’s just not funny. He recycles the same routine since the one time he actually was entertaining in Saving Silverman. Do fat guys with bad facial hair just get a free pass for this stuff? Cause really only Will Ferrell, Steve Carrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Chevy Chase, John Candy, John Belushi, and Chris Farley should be allowed to recycle the same routine over and over. But especially not Ben Stiller. We’ve got our eye on you Stiller, only one movie every 6 months from now on!

Pussycat Dolls have 14 members in their group. But only one actually sings. And at least 2 look like Bruce and Julian from the local drag show that I ………anyway why the hell are all of them talking? That just prolonged this crappy ass kissing jamboree by about 22 minutes.

Ok Go…..that’s the guys who did the ridiculous routine with the treadmills. Not bad, I can especially appreciate people who try and be famous with as little work as possible. And you’re all falling for it……

Nick Lachey. You’re new girlfriend has a huge head. You’re ex-wife has huge boobs. Winner: John Mayer

Apparently God is a huge rap/R & B fan. You know, he probably cruises around the clouds up there in a low riding chariot holding a gold chalice (duh, Holy Grail?) with a giant diamond cross hanging from his neck. And he watches these award shows just to make sure that every rap winner thanks him properly for giving them gold teeth, a ghetto upbringing, and the uncanny ability to match words that sound similar. This is why there are hurricanes every year at this time, because the good lord isn’t paying attention to the weather, he’s busy making sure Busta Rhymes drops mad skills.

Jared Leto looked better after having his lunch fed to him in Fight Club then he did last night.

Beyonce………………….even Hitler would appreciate that.

Did anybody else notice that Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman looked seriously disgusted each time she didn’t win. When Pink won for Best Pop Video Bratman was about to throw a tantrum, but when Kelly Clarkson won for Best Female Video I’d say she’s lucky that Bratman doesn’t do anything (like have a job and stuff) cause if he was Italian and pretending to run a construction company there would definitely be a contract on Clarkson.

Award for Best Legs attached to a creepy face and a man’s voice: Congratulations Fergie!

Award for worst band name: Panic at the Disco
Award for crappy group getting too many awards: Panic at the Disco
Award for worst song name by a band with a crappy name: “I write sins not tragedies” by Panic at the Disco
Award for worst male makeup: Panic at the disco (barely edging out Jared Leto and AFI)
Award for band who will be totally absent from next year’s awards: Panic at the Disco

Rage Meter

2 – Brit and K-fed (it’s like the Wonder Years, where you’re so embarrassed for them you just have to change the channel). Poor Brit; she’s beat up from the feet up.

16 – Getting punched in the bag by the midget from Jackass

28.5 – Laguna Beach season 3 doesn’t start until next week

712 – Missy Elliott doing anything

100,000,000 – James Blunt. I would rather drag my scrotum on a gravel road traveling at 34 mph with acid in my eyes and nipple clamps on tight than hear the song “You’re Beautiful” ever again.

You’ve been told.


Thursday, August 31, 2006


Scarlett Johansson. Venice. Black Dahlia. I really have no words to express what I'm feeling right now.

a) If Geoff Pugh is reading, Sorry about the stolen picture

b) Someone call IMDB and get them to add one more wet dream to her credits


Open Quandary

For who could ever learn to Love……A Beast

So, I just happen to glance over at the U.S. Open Tennis action and apparently we’re in the round where they pit the Beauty against the Beast. No kidding, it’s like a rollercoaster of emotions for my loins. One second they’re drawn to the screen like a five year old child in the suburbs is to the sound of the ice cream truck and the next second they’re shrieking away as if there was a big screen shot of someone administered a tetanus shot.

I have a good feeling about the match, mostly because even if Serena “wins” there’s a solid chance she’ll be disqualified because it’s a women’s tournament.

*note - the picture on the right is actually an artists rendering of Serena. I thought it would be less offensive than a live action picture.


Big drive, big deal

Most sports agencies are reporting that John Daly has had to withdraw from some random golf tournament that real pros don’t attend anyway.

- John Daly withdrew from the BMW International at Nord-Eichenried on Thursday after being hospitalized with a gastrointestinal virus.

After speaking with Daly’s supervising physician in Munich he told me “Gs-zustand offenbar Daly impfen bogen-licht wunderbar zu vorkommen”. Which I understood to mean “John Daly is a big fat party animal and more fun than most fraternities in the state of Georgia. He should be world respected for his scientific attempts to push the human engine to the brink of perfection ”.

You go Big John, I got your back.

Song of the day – “Passenger” by Iggy Pop

Download it yourself or just hook up your IPOD to your mom’s computer, I put a bunch of my songs on there last night. BAM!


Travolta, partial to the Y chromosome?

No way!!! You’re telling me that this guy enjoys the company of men? Saturday night fever should have been this guys coming out party. Dude in super tight polyester pants dancing way better than any heterosexual male aught to…. It should have been an open and shut case. Not to mention the amount of time he spent in the cockpit getting his Pilots license. Ok maybe that just sounds gay. (Kind of like pumpernickel) Please, 4 out of 5 Jackson’s agree there has not been a more botched case since O.J. and Michael could not comment because John’s a light sleeper.


It’s been a slow day for celebrity news, but that allows me the time to touch on something much more serious. Something close to my heart. Something that’s only rival in the annals of time could be the stock market crash in the thirties that lead to the great depression, and maybe the moment that you saw the second plane heading for the second building when any and all doubts were squashed that this may have been an accident.

This issue has plagued me for some time, and quite frankly left me feeling abandoned and confused. The betrayal is amplified when I reflect upon how much time was invested and how strong a bond had been formed, so much so that the only thing that allows me to sleep at night is knowing that I’m sharing my bed with Tenderheart, the leader of the care bears. But Alas, I digress…

How the Phoque (That’s seal in French) did this;

Become this?

That's it. I'm on my way home to get my my little pony, cuz this calls for some serious comforting.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Jessica's "Public Affair" With John Mayer

TMZ reports

Us Weekly is reporting that she and Grammy winning singer/songwriter John Mayer are an item, but sources say Simpson wants to "keep it private." Um...sure!If reports are true, this would be her first relationship since breaking up with ex-husband Nick Lachey.Mayer previously dated Jennifer Love Hewitt.”

Edward Scissor hands’ got game… What is it with Hollywood starlets hooking up with dead weight? Ok so Eddie’s got some musical talent, but eventually Jess is going to want to make some magic with the lights on, and even scissor hands thinks that’s a bad idea. That’s why he’s obviously spent the last four months in a dark recording studio becoming an albino so as to claim an acute photosensitivity. That means sensitivity to light, unless the six foot bunny from Donnie Darko has been lying to me.

Man would I like to Rock-Paper-Scissor him for the right of way on his girl, best of five of course. I guarantee I win in four, but only cuz I don’t want him to know he’s got a tell.

I’ll be back soon with some football picks for the weekend.


Like two fine hams.....

Since it’s damn near impossible to get Jessica Alba out of your head, let’s have a look at today’s movie review.

“Into the Blue” starring Jessica Alba, Ashley Scott, a total douchebag, and a famous actor’s son. Now for the record the “TD” is quite possibly one of the worst actors in the business. I paid a homeless guy $4.00 to pretend he’s Kevin Bacon from Footloose for an hour and it was like Shakespeare in the Park compared to this guy’s body of work. Regardless, it’s fairly easy to completely forget he’s even alive in this picturesque display of incredible plotlines that manage to keep dear Jess in a bikini for the better part of 100 minutes. Also good to notice is the affirmative action happening which allows “TD’s” special sidekick Tyson Beckford the chance to earn enough money to get another tattoo. Beckford seems to think he’s the new Taye Diggs, but everybody that likes sweater vests knows you can never replace the Diggster.

Anyway, this movie achieves an arbitrary rating of 14 out of 17. It has sharks, meaningless death, hot girls, and treasure. Gratuitous nudity would have pushed its rating to critically acclaimed 19 out of 17 but the already tried, and unconvincing use of 5 foot 3 Scott Caan as a tough guy brings it down a notch. The only thing keeping this film from true box office success is the complete lack of Patrick Swayze as the stern but caring uncle that doesn’t take any crap from the sharks and saves the loot at the end. If you don’t like this movie you’re probably already dying …………

Thanks to for this accurate take as well:
User Rating: 5.4/10 (6,657 votes)

Don’t forget to enjoy other ocean classics like Point Break and Navy Seals


Alba's in Canada!!!

Jessica Alba’s in my Country!!! TMZ reports;

" The foxy brunette was caught in action feeding a group of penguins while filming on the set of her new movie in Edmonton, Canada. Alba is staring opposite funnyman Dane Cook in the romantic comedy. This is the same set on which Alba lost one tooth and chipped another while filming a love scene with Cook a week ago. Alba described that somewhat calamitous clinch as "not the slowest, most romantic love scene," hence the dental issues.”

Alright, just about every word of this story pisses me off, but let’s begin with Jessica Alba feeding penguins. Jessica Alba. Quite possibly the most beautiful girl in the world is feeding cute little penguins. The last thing this girl needs is to enlist the help of penguins or koala’s to help her image; that should be reserved for people like G. Bush, or O. Bin Laden. That’s like a 3 week old golden retriever puppy thinking about getting a kitten to help pick up chicks.
Then there’s the whole Dane Cook angle. Seriously, this guy is funny, but no way does he deserve to be doing films with the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba, much less have the pleasure of a simulated sex scene with Alba. Even less a violent simulated sex scene that from the sounds of it we have not seen since Diane Lane got uber railed in Unfaithful.

Dude must be in to some serious voodoo shit.


P.S. Even though the sex was simulated. I will give anyone out there 100 to 1 odds that Dane Cook walked off the set with a glorious pant puddle.

August 29th, 2006

Ugh, mornings are the worst. Want to know what else I hate…..well I’ll tell you anyway:

- work
- loitering teens
- baseball
- Honda Element
- goth
- wearing jeans at thanksgiving
- people who make/watch movies like “Step Up”
- baseball
- all those crappy talent shows on US television
- everything else

However, 9 out of 10 Snakes on a Plane agree that the following things are all better than you:

- underwear with that old reliable hole you know where
- Toonces the driving cat
- Jon Stewart
- baseball offseason
- Maria Kirilenko (she’s the new Sharapova - look her up, tell her I said hi)
- Pilsner beer
- mustaches
- joint pain
- sundresses

Fanstasy football advice for today, pick up Ernest Wilford from the Jacksonsville Jaguars as your reserve wide receiver, should be found in most free agent pools if your league doesn’t suck. Or don’t pick him up. And lose to the guy who does. I don’t care.


Monday, August 28, 2006

How gorgeous was Evangeline Lilly at the Emmy’s? Now I know I’m a little behind on this, but ridding the world of cancer is a full time job. Seriously, if you’re any where near Calgary you should check out this link; just clicking it is guaranteed to ward off cancer for a day. (

Man, would I love to get lost with that girl. I know it’s a bit cliché, but all I know is somewhere in that bush there’s a hatch I’m dying to get inside.

Actually, how crushing would it be to finally hook up with a girl like Evline, that’s right we have pet names for each other, and find out she’s smuggling a panda in her pants. You could be a full mast, I mean Dane cook cashew shootin ready, and I bet you wouldn’t be able to do it.

Smokin’ babe + panda in pants = trying to fit a marshmallow in a piggy bank


The pic above is from which might be the funniest site I'm found to date on the web. Hopefully he doesn't sue me for snaggin it.

Today's Picks

My brain is a veritable goldmine of sports knowledge. Really, I am to sports bookies what Paris Hilton is to the Catholic church. I do need to mention however that I do have a weak subject. Baseball. I'm not ashamed of it, mostly because I find it hard to consider it a sport.

If you can play nearly 200 games a year, and have a pratice every morning, it's not a sport. If you can play two games back to back, once again, not as sport. Imagine trying to convince hockey players that this evening they will be playing two games back to back. Not a chance. Here's a little new math for you.

Baseball + Sports = KFed + Rap
(Baseball is to sports, what Kfed is to rap)

Anyways tonight in Sportselect, a uniquely canadian betting style,

game 79 - home Cin to beat GB in Football
game 3 - visitor Tor to beat Cle in Baseball
game 6 - visitor Bos to beat Oak in Baseball

I'll let you know how I did.


What does Maria have to do with gambling? I bet you she is no longer carrying her "V" card.

Like I said, Baseball sucks. I went 1 and 2, but.....
Baseball is still the new Lance Bass, so it doesn't count.
I promise my football picks will be way better.
Like when I promised your little sister I didn't have the clap.

Welcome to JargonBear

I'll be honest with you, we don't really know what to expect from this blog. It's pretty much in it's infancy, but let it be known that we could kick your ass at either Top Spin Tennis or Halo.