Thursday, November 02, 2006


Let’s take a moment and appreciate the significance of what is going on around you right now. If you have not heard yet, Bob Barker, host of the game show “The Price is Right” is stepping down after 35 years. This man is a legend. You know why. Because his job for 35 years consisted of standing around and talking for an hour, 5 days a week. Rest assured that he made a boatload of money for his mindless banter. Wouldn’t you love to make a boatload of money for standing around talking? Oh wait, he also got to hang out with beautiful models for 35 years. And he slept with one of them and had them fired when he felt like it. Sure, there was some lawsuits, but what did it matter to him, the network took care of everything. So remember when you were thinking about how much you would like to make a boatload of money for smiling, standing and talking? How do you feel about it now that you know about the girls? And what about all the contestants kissing him? Sure there were some grannies and probably trannies, but some of those girls were spectacular. And his vocabulary never had to go much deeper than “car, hot tub, golf clubs, vacation, and showcase showdown”. You know what words doctors have to learn to get rich “myocardial, defibrillator, hematoma….” See my point? This man is very rich, very famous, hangs with models, still has all of his hair, and has to do very little at his job for all this. Did I forget to mention he is trained in martial arts by none other than the Champ Chuck Norris? It’s true, you can look it up.

Bob Barker, you are a man’s man and a champion of society, we salute you.


Check out some of the sordid details at this link….

And don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Jerrica Benton - come on down!

You're the next contestant on the Hump day Club...

You guessed it. It is officially Wednesday and time for the highlight of your week. The latest celebrity to be added to the humpday sorority is Jerrica Benton. Jerrica Benton is absolutely in the hump catergory. In fact I don’t think there has been anyone in history who has been a clearer hump than Jerrica.

Some of you may not know Jerrica, so let’s begin with a bit of background on her. I was introduced to her probably about fifteen years ago on a television program. Although I’ve been aware of her for over a decade now, Jerrica has aged wayyyy more gracefully than any other woman on whom I held a crush at that developmentally crucial point of my life. (Other crushes included Kimmi Gibler, Jenny Garth and all the babes of baywatch)

Jerrica was, and probably still is, the owner manager of Starlight music.

She has a couple close friends and is often spotted performing with them. I occasionally forget their names, but believe they are; Kimber, Aja and Shana.

As if the T.V. show and successful career weren’t enough to justify putting her in the right side of a humpday update she’s also part of a band.

(If you remember Jerrica yet, you’re a champ)

Jerrica has a nickname;

It’s Jem!

Her friends have a nickname; It’s the Holograms.

Man did I have it bad for Jem. Sad part is, I think it was just an innocent crush. Someone needs to do a Hentai - Jem crossover cartoon! Hey Japan, wanna jump on that. I know you’re not preoccupied dealing with the North Korea Situation.


If you try, even for a minute. to tell me that you didn't want to be apart of jem and the holograms when it was on tv, I will call you a filthy liar. Come on man, we've grown up. It was cool to lie about things on the playground in elementary so you wouldn't get teased, but man up buddy! You watched it and you had dreams about tugging on your own earrings and saying, "it's show time synergy" and magically being transformed in to a female rock star. Admit it you queer!

You're Truly outrageous!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


You know who sucks? Well lots of people………. like Madonna………… Kevin Feder-douche….. James Blunt… Bill O’Reilly.. Jack Layton, that dude from the Purolator office, Nicole Ritchie, Wilmer Valderramma, Derian Hatcher, Baseball, pickles, cats, laundry, Terrell Owens, the WNBA, and working.

But specifically, today, in honor of the unanticipated release of Mission Impossible 3, it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did you know that for the film “Capote” he won 22 Best Actor Awards? If you don’t believe me check out this link

And so you would say, well heck, he must be a pretty good actor huh? But you know what……….you would be totally inexcusably wrong. First of all let’s not touch on the self serving absurdity of the amount of galas, presentations, award shows and “I’m a celebrity, give me more attention” bullcrap evenings that take place in our society. Do you really give a damn if the Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association gives out awards? What is there like 3 voters on this board? How many film critics are in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and what have they done to need awards? We don’t see an American Medical Association award for most life saving procedures in one year, but we do get treated to the Screen Actors Guild awards. Seriously? They vote for themselves! I demand a recount, where people who actually have to pay for tickets to see movies get to vote, and then we could give Hoffman his award for “Best Performance by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male, played by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male”.

Hmmm, body of work…..?
Movie: Capote - Hoffman: Fat, annoying voice, gee that was tough
Movie: MI3 - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy,
Movie: Owning Mahoney - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, did anybody watch this?
Movie: Almost Famous - Hoffman; Fat, annoying, generally sucky performance
Movie: Red Dragon - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, whiny, nice to see him die though
Movie: Boogey Nights - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy, gay
Movie: Twister - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, generally dirty

Summary: Philip Seymour Hoffman in reality is a big fat creepy dirty sometimes gay guy who is rewarded for being himself.


Isn’t this one of the most awful things you have ever seen? I would rank this higher than Chernobyl in awfulness alone.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Tits on a Bull

Sticking with the K-Fed theme as seen below, it is being widely repeated on the internet and such classy investigative journalist outposts as E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Extra that there is some trouble brewing surrounding Mr Britney’s upcoming “gig”

Page Six reports this morning that so few $20 tickets have been sold for K-Fed's concert this coming Saturday at Manhattan's Webster Hall that the venue, which is fairly small-capacity to begin with, is thinking of nixing the gig because, as a Post source puts it, "New Yorkers are clearly not fans of 'PopoZao.'" But it wouldn't' be the first time that K-Fed – the self-described "most underrated" performer ever -- has under-performed. His concert in Cleveland was 86ed because of lack of interest.

Remember, just a few days ago when this moron called himself the most underrated performer around. Oh you don’t remember? Because you didn’t read that? Because you don’t give a crap? Well, I’ll see your “I don’t give a crap” and raise you a “Who f*&#@!$ing cares”.

Turns out I lost when someone hit a “I hope he dies” on the river…….


Seriously though, how many gay homeless people could go trick or treating and say “I’m dressed as K-Fed” so they could score some candy for dinner? The answer is 6 gay homeless guys could pull that off.

Please go Boom!!! Please go Boom!!!

Never, ever in the history of man would the complete destruction of a room and ALL it's contents have benefitted human kind more than if it had happened right here.

Personally I would have to sift through way less Lindsay Lohan crap to get to something I can poke fun at. (You see making fun of Lindsay is like making jokes about a three legged poodle. The poodle already gets slammed by other dogs for being such a wuss, and now that they only have three legs it just seems cruel. Plus the Tripoodle has the Coke sniffles and random male dogs just walk up behind her and have a quick go at her.)

And you can't tell me there isn't a person in the world that wouldn't benefit from losing Kfed.

I bet that if K-fed disappeared this crazy North Korean would come to his senses and stop trying to build the bomb. You see K-fed is actually the root of all evil.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

JargonBear would get a 8.8 on IMDB

Every once in a while someone takes something that has been around for a while, puts a bit of a spin on it, and makes it new, refreshing and way better than the original. Throughout history there has been no shortage of these things;
For instance;

Kangaroo shoes. Not just a shoe, not just a coin purse, but a shoe with a little coin pocket on the side. Note, the substitution of laces for Velcro straps put this in a category of possible Nobel Prize winner.

K-way. From fanny pack to rain coat in under five seconds.

Internet porn. Could you imagine how many uncomfortable trips to the “Adult” section at the back of the video store or akward exchanges with a corner store clerk it would have taken to amass an amount of porn that is equivalent to that which is in your hidden P folder on your computer?

Bookmobile – A phenomenal meld of RV and Bibliotheque. (On a side note how the Phoque does bibliotheque mean library in French? I think livre is book, so that doesn’t explain it. And you know how some French words are very similar to their English counterparts, such as, such as, of course I can’t think of any right now, but trust me, they do, and in this instance, definitely not the case.)

Well the point of this post was originally to tell the masses about a man who has taken something run of the mill, a Hollywood movie, and put a unique spin on it, and made it superb. That man being; Shane Black. The director and screen writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

I can’t really explain why it’s good, but trust me, it is. It’s super entertaining to watch. When it’s done you get this warm, fuzzy, satisfied feeling and definitely not the empty angry rage of trying to get your two hours back as is the case with Freedomland. You never know what’s coming next. (Kind of like a choose your own adventure novel. BTW Choose your own adventure novels should definitely have been present in the list above of wicked things) ((by the way, BTW means By The Way))

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang got a 7.9 on IMDB. (That’s good) IMDB ratings are tough. A bookmobile would rank 10 out of 10 on any other scale but probably only about a 9 on IMDB.


Come to think of it, where the hell does the word library come from? Shouldn’t the word be a little more closely related to the word book. A hen house is where you keep hens. Bird house -birds, bathhouse -baths, (and gay falconers) Books, oh ya we keep ‘em over there in the bookhouse..err I mean Library.

What's wrong with this picture?

So X17online posted this picture of Seal bringing his daughter to school. Can you guess what I'm gonna say?

What's that? That if memory serves you correctly and all those experiments in pre school where you mixed the black paint with the white paint were scientifically correct, then....

No, that's not it.

Is it that a power couple like Seal and Heidi Klum should be able to afford a better costume for their child than this mockery? That's the worst attempt at dressing up as a smurf house in the history of halloween...


Maybe that if any other man on earth were married to Heidi they would never be caught out in public for all their waking hours would be spent in the bedroom?

Yup that's it. What's wrong with you Seal???? You're wasting valuable hump time you silly hump.