Saturday, September 09, 2006

.........About Friday

Sorry about the lack of posts on Friday. I had a really busy day at work.
I know you're both crushed that I didn't post, and shocked that I need a real job, but blogging really isn't paying any bills. I don't know why I'm writing a post about this, I would be better served to just personally e-mail both our readers. I wouldn't use traditional mail as both of them are in Grenada.


Super busy Friday at work.....Man do I sometimes regret giving the beacon signal to the damded police.


I would promise to be more diligent in the future but both me and you're mom know I'm a terrible promise keeper. (To be fair this time it was barely half a sanchez)

Sharapova wins US Open

Maria Sharapova won her second grand slam title this evening as she defeated Justine Henin-Hardene in the US Open final.

To Maria I say;

Congrats honey, I'm super pumped for you. Oh ya, could you pick up some milk on the way home. I think we're out. See you tonight. Luv you.

To Justine I say ;

Justine, I hope you learned your lesson. You're just not pretty enough. Sometimes I don't even think you're trying to be sexy.


Thursday, September 07, 2006

This week in baseball

Nothing happened. Apparently some kid named Dirty Sanchez threw a no-hitter and I am supposed to be impressed. What’s that you say, his name is Anibal not Dirty…..well that’s a girl’s name so take your pick.

Let’s analyze this more in depth. You have the Florida Marlins (70-69) and the Arizona Diamondbacks (65-74) playing probably what was their 8th game against each other in 3 days and these two portraits of mediocrity are still in the hunt for a playoff spot (3 games back, 8 games back respectively). That’s horrendous. They have each played 139 games so far. And neither are better than average. Can you imagine if the Denver Broncos played 139 games this year? 12 guys would be dead, 27 paralyzed, and 41 of them would have so much brain damage that they would start to make awful decisions like driving drunk, taking drugs, bringing guns to airports………, wait that last one is a bad example. Regardless, MLB has so far played the equivalent number of games of 8.7 NFL seasons. A full year is = 10.1 NFL seasons. Have you figured it out yet? BASEBALL IS NOT A SPORT.

Do you realize that in the case of this no-hitter, it’s entirely possible for 1 or more members of the winning team to have zero impact on the outcome of the game. Let’s say the Centerfielder struck out three times in his at bats, and the other team didn’t hit anything at him requiring him to stand still out there for 3 hours. That’s ridiculous. Can I get paid $4 mill a year for standing still?

Anyway, other happenings in the “game” this week include a plane crashing by being blinded by the glare off Barry Bond’s immense forehead, Kenny Rogers is not the soothing crooner I was thinking of, and Anna Benson said something slutty (her husband is a no name pitcher that nobody cares about so she smartly uses her huge breasts and mindless jibberjabber to help increase his star power and have teams pay him way more than he’s worth).


How you doin'...........

Today is Thursday. Nothing terribly significant about that. Except for the fact that today is reader response day! Seriously though, we at Jargonbear would like you the readership to pass along your best, worst, and most clever ideas, thoughts and general comments. That way, we can pick through the multitude of e-mails we get and post a few………….mock a few…….maybe steal a few and claim them as our own.

You see being handsome, brilliant, sophistamicated, and rock hard isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes we need to hear from the little people, the common folk if you will.

So write away readers, all 12 of you, let’s hear it.

Do it. Now. Or else. We’ll feel empty and unfulfilled. You don’t want that do you?


The Impossible Sit Up

Is it even possible for one man to face a more crippling conflict in a lifetime? Am I forever cursed to deal with this raging inferno of self loathing that is upon me. What, you ask, could be so damning that I would pour out my feelings in a public forum like this?

Are you ready for it?

The new season of Laguna Beach started tonight. And I’m fresh from watching the late night re-run of he earlier broadcast that yes, I already watched as well.

You see Laguna Beach is a tender compilation of a bunch of things that I deplore in society and a healthy dose of things that I love.

To begin with, my hatred for pretentious rich kids who couldn’t form a thought if God whispered it in their ear and gave them some saran wrap to make it stick together is intense. The Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton’s of the world offer nothing and yet live in so much luxury that even Ghandi would appreciate a piece of that action. As would I. I love luxury. LOVE IT. I want the house on the beach, first class travel, and Egyptian cotton for toilet paper. And, in my defense I would think that my awesomeness alone should be enough to deserve such a lifestyle. Apparently not. But these kids from Laguna have it. Lots of it. And I’m so jealous my molars ache when I see it. So are you stating to see it yet……I hate them and I want to be them. 94% of you do too, the other 6% live in polygamy camps and have no access to TV yet.

Doesn’t it just make you cringe when you see their awful names on screen…..Kyndra, Kelan, Breaden, Lexie, Dieter, Trey, Lo, Talan. C’mon who names their children that? Can mine be Rex or maybe Ferguson the 3rd?

Can’t say I mind all the gratuitous bikini footage, but since they’re in high school I’ll end this sentence right now.

Watching their onscreen “chemistry” is enough to make me barf in my mouth. I have never ever heard such idiocy spewed in 30 minutes in my life. And keep in mind that they edit about 8months of filming into that 30 minute slot, so you’re really getting the best they have to offer. Seriously, do you think their parents consider emancipating themselves from their children after watching the show? Better yet has anyone considered punching me in the face before, during, or after I watched the season 1 and 2 marathons this weekend?

So anyway, after season 2 I didn’t think it could get any better/worse. I was quite sure that Jessica was dumber than Farah Fawcett on crack, Jason will be arrested for battery, Alex M will be a 300lb talk show host (ie: Ricki Lake?), Kristin will be doing Movie Central soft porn in 5 years, LC will win an Emmy for her third reality show called ‘I get everything by giving nothing” and if that venereal disease Stephen shows up again I’ll totally think about changing the channel.

Well boy was I wrong/right. Remember Cami from a brief appearance in Season 2, when she got ditched by Jason and looked like a total fool? Well she’s back. And I couldn’t be unhappier. She’s atrocious. And Cameron, (skinny guy with a fat face), well he’s already leading Jessica right back down the Jason path once more. What did George W Bush say “Fool me once……um….fool me twice……..uh…….won’t get fooled again?”. Nice work honey, hopefully you’re triple E twins will get you some work down the road cause…..oh never mind, I forgot, you’re loaded.

Anyway, we’re locked and loaded for a brand new year of dumbass silver spoons and all the drama that comes with. I know I’m ready. To kill myself. Right after the next episode of “The Hills”.


Germany 13 - San Marino 0

Ahhhh Zeee German’s

Finally someone has put a bit of a dent in the age old adage that there’s no crying in Soccer. No wait, the Italians do that every time they take the pitch (That’s footy speak for soccer field) I meant to say, that there’s no scoring in Soccer.

In a qualifying game for Euro 2008, (a tournament that is second only to the World Cup) Germany defeated San Marino 13 – 0.

Ok, when did Powerhouse European national teams start feeling the need to embarass little Spanish children?

San Marino? Who the hell is San Marino? Where the hell is San Marino? What the hell is San Marino?
A country you say.......

Foca that. (Foca is Spanish for Seal!)


Just Wikipedia’d San Marino – Third smallest European nation, Surrounded by Italy. (How many countries are hiding inside in Italy by the way?) And the Flag looks like this;

And of course should San Marino not be able to complete her reign as most obscure country, the second and third runners up will be waiting to step in and assume their duties. Who are 2nd and 3rd?

Seychelles and Nauru with honorable mention going to Tuvalu.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Andy Roddick in the Quarter Finals

Been watching the US open of tennis? You should be because Andy Roddick’s on fire. The man’s playing like he’s been visiting Barry Bond’s trainer.

Or maybe he’s finally gotten over his split with Mandy Moore. I’d be willing to forgive him if it took him this long. Mandy’s not a girl you get over in a couple of days. No doubt someday Mandy’s gonna make an appearance on the right side of a hump day post.

Look for a Federer – Roddick Final, and if you didn't lose the earning portion of the farm on some earlier bad advice, put it on Roddick to pull off the big upset.


Hump Day!!!!

Oh by the way it’s hump day. We are going to be bringing you a weekly feature on hump days. It will be a little post on someone we would like to, or would not like to, hump.
Today’s inaugural hump day post is brought to you by;

Beverly Mitchell

Beverly Mitchell is officially someone I would NOT like to hump. She has all the physical attributes of a humpable female, (two arms, two legs or any combination of four balanced appendages) however she is severely lacking in a couple mental aspects. She’s spent the last two decades starring as the prude in the television series 7th Heaven, which leads me to believe she is anything but a minx in the sack. I assume that bumping nasties with Bev would be somewhat similar to walking up to an escalator, and finding it stationary.
Sure you’re eventually gonna get to the place you intend to get, but you’re gonna have to exert a lot more effort than you had initially planned.


Bev, if you disagree, prove me wrong and maybe you can make another appearance as next weeks humped Wednesday.

Daddy’s got a new Hero

The term hero of late has been used somewhat willinillily.
That’s right Willinillily,
adverb. To use or do something in a manner which is not strict, exact, or precise.
Someone incurs an injury fighting for his or her country and automatically they become a hero. Tell you what, you incur an injury while developing a cure for cancer, and I’ll gladly bestow upon you the title of hero. As long as you come through with the cure that is.
Having said that, I was making my way around this vast expanse known as the World Wide Web, trying to find a candidate worthy of my hero cookie, and I think we can all agree I’ve found a worthy contender.

Askmen .com reports that this veritable hero has been campaigning for a cause that will truly benefit us all; the hero

“ has revealed he demanded more nude scenes in 'Snakes on a Plane”

“There’s a 'Mile High' sex scene in the movie. Typically, you'd just hear the snake and then see the girl screaming. I said, 'No, you've got to see the snake biting the girl's t**s.'"

HERO - a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.

Is there any more heroic act than Sam Jack selflessly struggling for more nudity to be on 50 foot large screens? I think not!

Mr. Jackson, you can expect that cookie in the mail next week, and even though it looks eerily similar to the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies sold at Subway, the tin I placed it in clearly denotes it as home made.


Guess what would make the preceding pictures of Kate Moss, Kate Beckinsale and Elisha Cuthbert that much better? If they were nude and on a 50 foot screen that’s what.

See ya later, Alligator…..

Not much else can be said about the loss of the Croc Hunter Steve Irwin recently. The man wore tight khakis every day for years and everybody still loved him. That’s impressive. What’s more impressive is that while you’re jumping on a chair begging your 9 year old sister to kill that spider on the wall, he was busy suplexing T-Rex’s second cousins.

So pour a can of Fosters Lager on the curb in salute, and let’s hope we get more Aussies in public that are like him, and less like Paul Hogan.


Sweet Symphony of Sound

Ryan Porter on reports;

“Paris Hilton has bought a ticket to outer space. Her ticket is to board the maiden voyage of Richard Branson's Virgin Enterprise space ship.”

You know that sound you get when you hold an empty bottle out the window of a moving car? That kind of whooooooooooooooooo……..
Well I imagine Paris’ various orifices, or if you prefer orifi, would make an amazing symphony of sounds while rocketing toward outer space. From the, slightly distorted, (as a result of the disturbance of air flow due to the lesions near the entrance), low pitched woeeeee emitted by her canyonous nether regions, to the high pitched weeeeee as the air whistled past the barren cavity that is presumed to contain the cranium. Oh what a sweet symphony of sound it would be.
At any rate we can agree that it would be a better auditory experience than her debut CD. Other than that first single. Admit it, it’s kind of catchy, you sort of like it, you’ve caught yourself singing along in the car when you thought no one was looking. Loser!


Some things are just inferred….

When Michelle Wie, the 16 year girl who has been granted 10 sponsors exemption to play in PGA tournaments was asked to state her opinion of men playing on the LPGA tour, she responded;

"I think my perspective on this is that the British Open is not called the men's British Open," Wie said. "It's called the British Open. And so is the PGA, it is called the Professional Golf Association. There is no Men's Professional Golf Association, no Man's Professional Golf Association. Whereas our PGA is called the Ladies Professional Golf Association and the British Open is called the Women's British Open. So I think it is very clear."

True, some things are very clear. Like how to qualify for the PGA tour. Just in case any of you didn’t know, it’s an extremely grueling qualification process and almost as difficult to keep your status the next year without having to re-qualify. FYI Wie never even came close to doing either.

Miss Wie, other things are just inferred. Most bathroom signs don’t explicitly say men’s or women’s they just have a picture. Now if only the PGA and LPGA had a similar system.

Ok so this post is pretty much average. I know I’m cranked by this, I just don’t know how to express it in a humorous way. I just feel like Wie playing in these tournaments is taking potential prize money from others who deserve it more, because they have qualified legitimately, the lesser players who are not making mad coin on the PGA and are struggling to financially make it. The guys finishing 80th at the tournaments.

OK so most of you need to stop reading now. I’m pretty livid and I know something is gonna come out that won’t be fair.

I’m serious. If you’re easily offended hit the back button now. Sail away. Scram.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, here comes Take 2.

Seriously Wie, some things are just inferred…. like you don’t need to be white to join the KKK it’s just presumed. You don’t need to be brown to join Al Keada, once again, just kind of understood. (I know I spelled it wrong. It's so I don't get flagged by the FBI) Hey. Don’t give me that look! I warned you it wouldn’t be fair or nice. If you don’t like it, go write your own blog. This one belongs to me sort of, I'd say 50% belongs to me, the other half belongs to my feelings and opinions.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Jesus would be so disappointed

Just got another one of those crappy e-mails that everybody forwards around. You know the kind, “this child needs your help”, “you have received an electronic friendship hug”, “sign this petition to join some radical movement” or my personal favorite “Microsoft is sending checks if you forward this to 10 people”.

Here’s the thing people, if you receive one of these and you even hesitate for an instant before deleting it, or even worse you are the one propagating the offense by spreading the filth then you rank right up there in society as an…………………a-hole. That’s right I said it, an A-HOLE! Important to distinguish the fact that it is pronounced “A” in its shortened version, not the much more common full length “Ass”. You don’t even deserve the extra syllable.

First of all, Bill Gates didn’t not become the richest guy with glasses by sending out money to people. He hides at home thinking about new ways to destroy the computers he has already sold you that will be obsolete in 9 minutes anyway.

Secondly, if there is a child in need there are a few ways to address this based on the situation
1) Kidnapped/Missing – Call the freaking police! Unless you’re going to fly down to whatever random state the kid is absent in and start looking behind bushes, someone should let the authorities know about it.
2) Hungry/Poor – Instead of sending money to some organization you have never heard of, and won’t again after they mail you a picture of a Kenyan kid from the August issue of National Geographic 1993, how about you go down to the shelter for battered women in YOUR OWN CITY and donate some of the loot from your last gorge at the grocery store. Or some clothes. Or at least a knife so she can stab the cowardly bastard that hit her in the first place.

Threesome: You know that word document you signed that said everybody should not fill up with gas on September 19 of whatever given year you’re all whining about the price of driving an Expedition? Seriously though……………….I mean really……….c’mon. You want to be late for work on September 19 or what? You think that the honchos down at MobilExxon, EnCana, or Shell are sweating in their genuine Sakatchewan Sealskin chairs? No way, they’re lighting cuban’s (cigars, not people…) with $100 bills while they sip cognac out of glass slippers over a fresh dolphin lunch. And guess what, you’d all give your left middle toe to be in their spot instead of fetching them their grizzly skin slippers. (Thanks to Chet Phillips for the uncanny artists rendering above)

Besides, while you’re buddy in the cubicle next to you is sending you a “friendship chain letter”, you’re boss is plotting the quickest way to get Terry Tate to unleash a special kind of hell on your unproductive corpse for spending too much personal time on your e-mail.

So get a hobby and quit being an a-hole.


Monday, September 04, 2006

Weekend Box Office reports that the North American take for the top five movies at the box office this weekend were as follows; to the right, in red, you will find the Jargon Bear rating. (That is if movies were rated as presents for a five year old boy)

1. Invincible 15.2 M Gobot
2. Crank 13.0 M Jeep Wrangler
3. Wicker Man 11.7 M Jigsaw Puzzle
4. Little Miss Sunshine 9.72 M Bocce Set
5. The Illusionist 8.02 M Kinder Egg


1. Gobot – Thanks uncle crack habit, what didn’t you have enough cash for the Transformer. This movie's already been done and already been done better.
2. Jeep Wrangler – As much adrenaline kick as you can legally get as a five year old. Coolest movie on the street.

3. Jigsaw puzzle – Super overrated. Could probably get some enjoyment out of it, but would require too much cranial work, plus it’s super slow, and at the end, all you’ve got is a picture that you had all along on the outside of the box.
4. Bocce Set – Looks pretty plain, but MAN is there a lot of fun to be had here. Get’s really fun when things deviate from the beaten path. (Off road Bocce anyone)
5. Kinder Surprise Egg – There’s potentially something beautiful inside. In this case Jessica Biel.


This weekend’s movie review


Let me begin by saying that Amy Smart is one of the most underrated hotties out there. I would hit it even in that alternate reality in Butterfly effect where she’s a crack whore. And the scene from Crank in Chinatown just cemented her place on the ladder a couple of rungs below Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.
So the movie;
You know that feeling I get when I hear your car pull up in the driveway and your girlfriend and I scramble to get clothed and I spend the foreseeable future in your closet? Well Crank is two hours of that feeling.

P.S. I like that cupping thing your girlfriend does.