Friday, October 27, 2006

Who says getting a Stanley Cup Ring is difficult?

The Calgary Flames winger Darren McCarty, following his bankruptcy filing last year, will be auctioning off some of his memorabilia. Among the items up for bid are his three Stanley cup rings he won as a member of the Detroit Red wings.

If you’re interested you need to be prepared to pony up some cash because all indications are that Glen Sather will be dropping some mad coin on this. What makes me say that? How bout the fact he’s been throwing buckets of money around trying to buy one for the last five years. Another probable winner is Mr. Wang, the GM of the Islanders because let’s face it, the 15 years of income he’s dedicated to Rick Dipietro is never gonna buy him one.


The oddest item up for sale is an urn packed with Chin wiskers. (Yuk)

Stephon Marbury is a Hero, sort of...

New York Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has launched a new line of shoes that, presumably, will benefit the youth of the world. The new line of basketball shoes will sell for no more than $15 a pair.

I guess the idea is to aid underprivileged youth by giving them the opportunity to purchase quality sportswear, and even the playing field. Nice thought Stephon, I applaud your gusto but I can’t help but think of little Pablo and Xing-Xang, who were already being paid in peanuts to make shoes for existing athletic companies who are sure to now be compensated with the excreted remains of peanuts previously enjoyed by Peruvian or Taiwanese squirrels.

Stephon, you’re a true life international Robin Hood, giving to the poor that which you have stolen from another countries poor.


If you’d actually like to read the story you can here.

Is it me or are those shoes made of marshmallow? I guess if the kid finds out he's just as bad at ball with shoes, as he was without, he's foound where his next meal is coming from.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I've seen more movies than you.....

Following the grand success of the outstanding list of songs we provided you with last month, here is a list of movies that personify awesomeness to varying degrees. They range from Awesome to Super Friggin Uber Awesome. Kinda like me, sometimes I’m only just awesome, but other days, watch out cause I’m the Supreme Grand Emperor of Awesomeland.

And yes in fact, the newly released “The Departed” definitely goes onto this list….

Star Wars Trilogy (Original)
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fight Club
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
The Matrix (first one)
Saving Private Ryan
Slap Shot
The Silence of the Lambs
The Towering Inferno
American History X
The Usual Suspects
Black Hawk Down
True Romance
The Great Escape
LA Confidential
The Rock
Forrest Gump
Christmas Vacation
Indiana Jones
Point Break
Terminator 2
Navy Seals
Red Dawn
9 ½ Weeks
Die Hard (first one)
Pulp Fiction
The Dirty Dozen
Lethal Weapon 2
Air Force One
The Untouchables
Kill Bill Vol 1
Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Pirates of the Caribbean
A Fish Called Wanda

So if you don’t own any of these on DVD then you must be now able to get married in Ontario. Unless you’re a girl, then you should go buy some of these so you can actually hang on to a boyfriend. If you do own some of these then you should buy more of them. Then I could say “How many movies do you own?” And you would say “Three Hundred and Two”. And then I would say “Oh, well, I own Three Hundred and Six…”


Editor’s note: Don’t be afraid to be anxiously awaiting our Best of TV List, coming soon…

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Return......

Ok, ok, I’m back. And I’m mad. And I’m black y’all. Oh no wait, I’m not that last one. Anyway, the outcry from the Jargonbear readership has led me to believe that I have been missed (my Mom called, asked if I was still alive, after I said yes she hung up).

While I will offer no further explanation for my absence (thanks for your help Dr. Moshimura…..) I do have a story to tell. You see I had to send some US money from Canada for…………something. Here’s how it went.

Leave work (real job, not this one) 10 minutes early to beat the lineup at the bank. Stand in line for 16 minutes, three tellers working, line getting longer behind me. MY TURN! Oh no wait, the big woman behind the counter puts up a sign saying Closed and she smugly smiles and says “ Someone will be right with you…”. What? I’m sorry, are you going for your lunch break? Because I’m sure starting at 10:00am and working for two hours was tough on your 245lb frame. I hope you choke on your lunch. Because god knows you’ll just be hungry again at freaking 4:00pm when you’re closed once more.

Finally get my money order, drive to post office, get to counter, realize I left my wallet in the car. ArGh. Go back, slam door, wait in line (….argH), I say “need this to go to KALEEFORNIA (in Arnold Schwarzneggar accent), polite young lady does not appreciate my comedic stylings. Fine, she says it can’t there faster than 3-5 days I should courier it, suggests I go to Purolator. Gives me directions, go back to car, take 2 deep breaths, rage meter going up. Get to Purolator, wait 4 minutes to get served because no one is at the counter. Argh. A troll finally comes out from backroom, I drop the accent but it doesn’t matter. It’s going to a PO Box therefore courier cannot deliver and it must be routed through post office. ARgh. Swear loudly enough for people in store to hear me, but not loud enough to get arrested, stomp off to car, slam door, punch steering wheel. Deep breath. Start slinging F-bombs out the window at bad drivers and pedestrians as I unsafely speed back to post office.

Return to post office, polite young lady says “Sorry, I should have checked your delivery address first I guess…” My left eye starts twitching. So I say 3-5 days huh, guaranteed? She replies “It will probably be there by Monday, Tuesday for sure”. YOU LIAR! Tuesday is a full 6 business days later. How effing hard is it to have a piece of mail go down a 3 hour flight? And it’s gonna cost $11.00? ARGH. Head is throbbing, little bit of saliva flicks off lower lip as my voice raises “Hang on, I forgot my friggin wallet in the car! (again) ARGH!!!!”. Damn near break a window on the store’s door as I bust back through to the post office. There’s someone being served now. I have to wait. Mid-transaction. All I have left is to pay and I have to wait another 9 GODFORSAKEN MINUTES!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGHGHHHH. Lady asks “are you alright?”

A single tear rolls down my cheek.


HumpDay Update

So it’s Wednesday and time for the Humpday update.
I missed last week so this week I will be posting twice.
I’ve also found that I’ve been posting a lot more humps than not humps, (guess that’s just how I wuz raised!)
So this week will be one hump, and one not hump.

I’ve had a bit of a soft spot for this girl for quite some time now. It’s like I couldn’t get her out of my mind for years. Therefore I thought it might be a pro po to relate her to a
television program that I couldn’t get off the screen when I was a young lad.

Seriously, did anyone even like the Racoons? Nobody liked ‘em, but everyone somehow still knows exactly what I’m talking about. Every single day in grade two would end with me rushing home, looking for some quality cartoons like Transformers, Thundercats, He-man or G.I. Joe and I would get this bush league Canadian production. None the less it some how magically transfixed me and prevented me from changing the channel.

This girl is eerily similar. Everyday in second year University would end with me rushing home, from the Den, trying to catch a peek at……well actually I don’t even know who I was trying to see. She was pretty much the first one, and set the stage for a plethora of others to follow. She was the first super hot, super sexy, super vibrant superstar. Let’s call her Bert Raccoon, as she was in all intents and purposes the star of the pop music show.

She had everything going for her and then suddenly a member of her family dragged her down. Think Cedric Sneer and his villain of all villains father Cyril sneer.

She began as an absolutely hump! But recently has come dangerously close to being filed in the not humps. Now she’s migrating back toward the, I’d still hit, in tribute of what she used to be. (Like Anna Nicole Smith, don’t tell me you wouldn’t hit it on the basis that back in the day she was hot)


I was going to post some pics of fat Brit, but why would I do that to myself??

By the way, Cedric was a homosexual. How sure am I? As sure as I am that you wanted to be an Ewok the first time you watched Return of the Jedi.
P.S. I would still touch Brit's Ewok, and if she asked kindly maybe even her Chewbacca.

Missing Bear

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I know he's been prone to taking off in the past, especially over the winter months, but it's never been this early before. One of the contributing writers to the jargonbear has fallen completely off the map.

Where has the Gummi Bear gone?

Wait, I just found this;


Return of Humpday

It’s everybody’s favorite day, Wednesday! I thought I’d mix things up a bit for this weeks installment of Humpday, so without further ado;

Yes, No, No

This one was easy. It was as if someone had lined up three viruses. When faced with a decision between Hantavirus, human-immune deficiency, and influenza, sign me up for the flu every time. Automatic I tell ya.

Hilary Duff is everything the other two are not. Actually the other two are everything Hilary Duff is not. Dirty, Diseased, Dim Witted, contaminated, unhealthy, untalented…

Yes, Yes, No

You know how sometimes, you’re attracted to some people and for the life of you, you can explain why. Like why Archie for some reason kept that douchebag Veronica around when he was so obviously a better fit for Betty. Well, Sandra Bullock is that girl for me. If I were to give her ten ratings for various aspects of her life, she would invariably score no higher than a six on any one of them, but somehow when I add all the scores together she would get a 95. It’s odd I know, but I just roll with it.

The little girl in the middle, even though she’s four foot nine, I gotta do it. I don’t know why. She’s a pretty average actor, she’s fairly average looking, she’s dating a total sack, but somehow I think if it came down to it, I’d still hit it. It’s like at the club, when the night is getting late, you’re standards get real low. Well the ugly lights just came on, but I’m in the back of the club where they don’t quite reach. I can tell they’re on, but Shara here in front of me, isn’t quite illuminated. All I gotta do is find a way to sneak Shara here out a back door and in to a cab before a) my friends catch me or b) my buzz wears off and I come to my senses. Either way I’m in for a rough morning when a) my friends bust in or b) I call her Shara again. (They’re much less forgiving in the morning)

You know how some people despise Brussel sprouts? Well I despise Gwyneth

Todays winners;


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Rules do not apply to hot Girls


Now, I don't think that what looks like is happening, is actually happening in these pictures, but my opinion is based purely on the fact that Dr. Sue has always told me that there was a hard fast rule against bumping nasties under water.

Luckily for Jessica Alba, rules do not apply to super hot girls. Seriously I wouldn't be surprised if she fed a gremlin after midnight and..........Nothing!