Hallelujah!!!!

So, I think I have about eight thousand hockey cards at home. Eight thousand hockey cards of the budget variety. You see, my parents would never let me buy the upper deck cards because they were a couple dollars more expensive, and justifiably so, because they were much higher quality.

The conundrum begins because I have this obscene amount of hockey cards, worth next to nothing, because they’re the ghetto brand, yet, I still hang on to them, hoping that some day they will once again become valuable.

I’ve had this mentality with many things in my life, and to date have been burned 986,213 times. (for anyone who cares, satan’s batting 100% on this one, as I have yet to have my faith rewarded)

UNTIL NOW!!!!

And let me tell you, all is forgiven.

I don’t care what you say, my continued faith and dedication to Little miss Brit has paid off. I knew someday she would be back.

Even if the numbers still look skewed, 986,213 to 1, I feel vindicated, as this might actually be the most important battle. It’s kind of like the Mongols. They won something like 8 trillion straight battles, but they lost the last one, the most important one and where are they now?

I’m pretty much giddy.

Britney Spears is;

A) hot again
B) Lost a lot of weight (Mostly of the crappy rapper variety)
C) Still not returning my calls.

Man it’s a good day!

Jb

If you follow only one link today, make it the Lost a lot of weight one above. It's where you'll learn from TMZ that Britney is finally divorcing that trash bucket parasite. Only comfort for Kfed, he could probably make a pretty good mattress out of all the bags of throw up he's recieved and stashed in his closet hoping that someday they'd be worth something!

Amen

nuff said

Jb

Anyone have some Toilet Paper?

Well, that’s it, we might as well let the terrorists take over. You see there is no hope for this western way of life anymore. You know why? Because I was just treated to the newest offering by former meth addict Stacy Ferguson, AKA Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am often somewhat grumpy, and I hold a general dislike for an awful lot of things. Now, when I first heard this song on radio this morning, I said to myself “Holy crap am I angry!!! How on Earth does a song this awful get played for the public?” And then I became increasingly enraged and thought “Who would possibly pay for studio time, sign her to a record label, and have the audacity to put out an entire compact disc of this poo?” Cause really, this is what poo would sound like if you wiped some poo on a cd and then put the cd in your stereo. And then you would be like “Oh man this poo really sounds bad, and how disappointing that I got some poo on my fingers when I opened the case.” So you can thank Fergie for getting poo on your hand, and for making you stupider with every word that this monstrosity provides. Her lyrics make “Green Eggs and Ham” sound like Hamlet.

And then the rage meter (remember that?) went through the roof when I finally realized that this is all your fault. You, the general public - teeming masses of sheep, who work for a living and then spend your hard earned money on poo cd’s. Because the record company wouldn’t make it if they thought you won’t buy it. And then you do. You buy the poo. Why do you pay for something you can get for free? This is why goat touching, mouth breathers like K-Fed still think he’s gonna be successful, because if you bought this poo, maybe you’ll buy his poo too.

So for all you people who buy poo like this Fergie cd, and watch poo like American Idol, Wife Swap, and anything on the WB network , and who listen to other poo like Uncle Kracker, James Blunt, Korn, R Kelly, Toby Keith, Matchbox 20 and Nickelback, and people who think that baseball is actually a sport..................congratulations…….you are single handedly responsible for the complete demise of our society.

As for me, I’m still awesome, cause I just mailed Fergie a bag of throw up.

gB

Don’t watch this if you have an exam tomorrow……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp62glpAb80

Let's do the Dance of Joy

Dear Cousin Jb, that is by far the best Balki Bartokomous reference I have heard in the last 10 years. And I think there have been at least 4 of them in that time. The episode when Larry and Balki go to the gym for the first time and then they fall asleep on the couch immediatley after and can't move during their dates with Maryanne and Jennifer that night is one of the top 25 greatest televsion episodes in history. Excuse me while I go rent the box sets of Perfect Strangers, Bosom Buddies, and Night Court, then kill myself.

gB

hmmm.........anyone else feel another list brewing?

Borat Rules America

The weekend take is in. ImDB Estimates that Borat, Cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan took in $26.4 Million this weekend. That put it in the number one slot for this weekend. Pretty impressive for a Kazakhstani peasant.

What makes it far more inpressive is that it only opened in limited release. IMDB actually has a per screen average figure, and when we take a quick look at that, we see exactly how badly Borat blew away the competition.

Borat took in over$31,500 per sreen. The second best per sreen total was, The Queen with $7,777 per.

Ummm that's ridiculous. That's like comparing Jessica Simpson to the old Ashley Simpson. There's no comparison to be made. One is clearly superior.

Like comparing G.I. Joe to Ken dolls.

Never in the history of entertainment has the North American continent been so enthrawled with a man playing a funny speaking foreigner!

Well not recently...

Jb

Congratulations Borat, you're the new Balki Bartokomous!!!

Plinko!

Let’s take a moment and appreciate the significance of what is going on around you right now. If you have not heard yet, Bob Barker, host of the game show “The Price is Right” is stepping down after 35 years. This man is a legend. You know why. Because his job for 35 years consisted of standing around and talking for an hour, 5 days a week. Rest assured that he made a boatload of money for his mindless banter. Wouldn’t you love to make a boatload of money for standing around talking? Oh wait, he also got to hang out with beautiful models for 35 years. And he slept with one of them and had them fired when he felt like it. Sure, there was some lawsuits, but what did it matter to him, the network took care of everything. So remember when you were thinking about how much you would like to make a boatload of money for smiling, standing and talking? How do you feel about it now that you know about the girls? And what about all the contestants kissing him? Sure there were some grannies and probably trannies, but some of those girls were spectacular. And his vocabulary never had to go much deeper than “car, hot tub, golf clubs, vacation, and showcase showdown”. You know what words doctors have to learn to get rich “myocardial, defibrillator, hematoma….” See my point? This man is very rich, very famous, hangs with models, still has all of his hair, and has to do very little at his job for all this. Did I forget to mention he is trained in martial arts by none other than the Champ Chuck Norris? It’s true, you can look it up.











Bob Barker, you are a man’s man and a champion of society, we salute you.

gB


Check out some of the sordid details at this link….

http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/doig/cbc3/printcopy.asp

And don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Jerrica Benton - come on down!

You're the next contestant on the Hump day Club...

You guessed it. It is officially Wednesday and time for the highlight of your week. The latest celebrity to be added to the humpday sorority is Jerrica Benton. Jerrica Benton is absolutely in the hump catergory. In fact I don’t think there has been anyone in history who has been a clearer hump than Jerrica.

Some of you may not know Jerrica, so let’s begin with a bit of background on her. I was introduced to her probably about fifteen years ago on a television program. Although I’ve been aware of her for over a decade now, Jerrica has aged wayyyy more gracefully than any other woman on whom I held a crush at that developmentally crucial point of my life. (Other crushes included Kimmi Gibler, Jenny Garth and all the babes of baywatch)

Jerrica was, and probably still is, the owner manager of Starlight music.

She has a couple close friends and is often spotted performing with them. I occasionally forget their names, but believe they are; Kimber, Aja and Shana.

As if the T.V. show and successful career weren’t enough to justify putting her in the right side of a humpday update she’s also part of a band.

(If you remember Jerrica yet, you’re a champ)

Jerrica has a nickname;

It’s Jem!

Her friends have a nickname; It’s the Holograms.


Man did I have it bad for Jem. Sad part is, I think it was just an innocent crush. Someone needs to do a Hentai - Jem crossover cartoon! Hey Japan, wanna jump on that. I know you’re not preoccupied dealing with the North Korea Situation.

Jb

If you try, even for a minute. to tell me that you didn't want to be apart of jem and the holograms when it was on tv, I will call you a filthy liar. Come on man, we've grown up. It was cool to lie about things on the playground in elementary so you wouldn't get teased, but man up buddy! You watched it and you had dreams about tugging on your own earrings and saying, "it's show time synergy" and magically being transformed in to a female rock star. Admit it you queer!

You're Truly outrageous!

Grrr.....

You know who sucks? Well lots of people………. like Madonna………… Kevin Feder-douche….. James Blunt… Bill O’Reilly.. Jack Layton, that dude from the Purolator office, Nicole Ritchie, Wilmer Valderramma, Derian Hatcher, Baseball, pickles, cats, laundry, Terrell Owens, the WNBA, and working.

But specifically, today, in honor of the unanticipated release of Mission Impossible 3, it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did you know that for the film “Capote” he won 22 Best Actor Awards? If you don’t believe me check out this link

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0379725/awards

And so you would say, well heck, he must be a pretty good actor huh? But you know what……….you would be totally inexcusably wrong. First of all let’s not touch on the self serving absurdity of the amount of galas, presentations, award shows and “I’m a celebrity, give me more attention” bullcrap evenings that take place in our society. Do you really give a damn if the Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association gives out awards? What is there like 3 voters on this board? How many film critics are in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and what have they done to need awards? We don’t see an American Medical Association award for most life saving procedures in one year, but we do get treated to the Screen Actors Guild awards. Seriously? They vote for themselves! I demand a recount, where people who actually have to pay for tickets to see movies get to vote, and then we could give Hoffman his award for “Best Performance by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male, played by a Fat, Gross, Annoying Male”.

Hmmm, body of work…..?
Movie: Capote - Hoffman: Fat, annoying voice, gee that was tough
Movie: MI3 - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy,
Movie: Owning Mahoney - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, did anybody watch this?
Movie: Almost Famous - Hoffman; Fat, annoying, generally sucky performance
Movie: Red Dragon - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, whiny, nice to see him die though
Movie: Boogey Nights - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, creepy, gay
Movie: Twister - Hoffman: Fat, annoying, generally dirty

Summary: Philip Seymour Hoffman in reality is a big fat creepy dirty sometimes gay guy who is rewarded for being himself.

gB

Isn’t this one of the most awful things you have ever seen? I would rank this higher than Chernobyl in awfulness alone.

Tits on a Bull

Sticking with the K-Fed theme as seen below, it is being widely repeated on the internet and such classy investigative journalist outposts as E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Extra that there is some trouble brewing surrounding Mr Britney’s upcoming “gig”

Page Six reports this morning that so few $20 tickets have been sold for K-Fed's concert this coming Saturday at Manhattan's Webster Hall that the venue, which is fairly small-capacity to begin with, is thinking of nixing the gig because, as a Post source puts it, "New Yorkers are clearly not fans of 'PopoZao.'" But it wouldn't' be the first time that K-Fed – the self-described "most underrated" performer ever -- has under-performed. His concert in Cleveland was 86ed because of lack of interest.

Remember, just a few days ago when this moron called himself the most underrated performer around. Oh you don’t remember? Because you didn’t read that? Because you don’t give a crap? Well, I’ll see your “I don’t give a crap” and raise you a “Who f*&#@!$ing cares”.

Turns out I lost when someone hit a “I hope he dies” on the river…….

gB

Seriously though, how many gay homeless people could go trick or treating and say “I’m dressed as K-Fed” so they could score some candy for dinner? The answer is 6 gay homeless guys could pull that off.

Please go Boom!!! Please go Boom!!!

Never, ever in the history of man would the complete destruction of a room and ALL it's contents have benefitted human kind more than if it had happened right here.

Personally I would have to sift through way less Lindsay Lohan crap to get to something I can poke fun at. (You see making fun of Lindsay is like making jokes about a three legged poodle. The poodle already gets slammed by other dogs for being such a wuss, and now that they only have three legs it just seems cruel. Plus the Tripoodle has the Coke sniffles and random male dogs just walk up behind her and have a quick go at her.)

And you can't tell me there isn't a person in the world that wouldn't benefit from losing Kfed.

Jb

I bet that if K-fed disappeared this crazy North Korean would come to his senses and stop trying to build the bomb. You see K-fed is actually the root of all evil.

JargonBear would get a 8.8 on IMDB

Every once in a while someone takes something that has been around for a while, puts a bit of a spin on it, and makes it new, refreshing and way better than the original. Throughout history there has been no shortage of these things;
For instance;

Kangaroo shoes. Not just a shoe, not just a coin purse, but a shoe with a little coin pocket on the side. Note, the substitution of laces for Velcro straps put this in a category of possible Nobel Prize winner.

K-way. From fanny pack to rain coat in under five seconds.

Internet porn. Could you imagine how many uncomfortable trips to the “Adult” section at the back of the video store or akward exchanges with a corner store clerk it would have taken to amass an amount of porn that is equivalent to that which is in your hidden P folder on your computer?

Bookmobile – A phenomenal meld of RV and Bibliotheque. (On a side note how the Phoque does bibliotheque mean library in French? I think livre is book, so that doesn’t explain it. And you know how some French words are very similar to their English counterparts, such as, such as, of course I can’t think of any right now, but trust me, they do, and in this instance, definitely not the case.)

Well the point of this post was originally to tell the masses about a man who has taken something run of the mill, a Hollywood movie, and put a unique spin on it, and made it superb. That man being; Shane Black. The director and screen writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

I can’t really explain why it’s good, but trust me, it is. It’s super entertaining to watch. When it’s done you get this warm, fuzzy, satisfied feeling and definitely not the empty angry rage of trying to get your two hours back as is the case with Freedomland. You never know what’s coming next. (Kind of like a choose your own adventure novel. BTW Choose your own adventure novels should definitely have been present in the list above of wicked things) ((by the way, BTW means By The Way))

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang got a 7.9 on IMDB. (That’s good) IMDB ratings are tough. A bookmobile would rank 10 out of 10 on any other scale but probably only about a 9 on IMDB.

Jb

Come to think of it, where the hell does the word library come from? Shouldn’t the word be a little more closely related to the word book. A hen house is where you keep hens. Bird house -birds, bathhouse -baths, (and gay falconers) Books, oh ya we keep ‘em over there in the bookhouse..err I mean Library.

What's wrong with this picture?

So X17online posted this picture of Seal bringing his daughter to school. Can you guess what I'm gonna say?

What's that? That if memory serves you correctly and all those experiments in pre school where you mixed the black paint with the white paint were scientifically correct, then....

No, that's not it.

Is it that a power couple like Seal and Heidi Klum should be able to afford a better costume for their child than this mockery? That's the worst attempt at dressing up as a smurf house in the history of halloween...

Nope.

Maybe that if any other man on earth were married to Heidi they would never be caught out in public for all their waking hours would be spent in the bedroom?

Yup that's it. What's wrong with you Seal???? You're wasting valuable hump time you silly hump.

Jb

Who says getting a Stanley Cup Ring is difficult?

The Calgary Flames winger Darren McCarty, following his bankruptcy filing last year, will be auctioning off some of his memorabilia. Among the items up for bid are his three Stanley cup rings he won as a member of the Detroit Red wings.

If you’re interested you need to be prepared to pony up some cash because all indications are that Glen Sather will be dropping some mad coin on this. What makes me say that? How bout the fact he’s been throwing buckets of money around trying to buy one for the last five years. Another probable winner is Mr. Wang, the GM of the Islanders because let’s face it, the 15 years of income he’s dedicated to Rick Dipietro is never gonna buy him one.

Jb

The oddest item up for sale is an urn packed with Chin wiskers. (Yuk)

Stephon Marbury is a Hero, sort of...

New York Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has launched a new line of shoes that, presumably, will benefit the youth of the world. The new line of basketball shoes will sell for no more than $15 a pair.

I guess the idea is to aid underprivileged youth by giving them the opportunity to purchase quality sportswear, and even the playing field. Nice thought Stephon, I applaud your gusto but I can’t help but think of little Pablo and Xing-Xang, who were already being paid in peanuts to make shoes for existing athletic companies who are sure to now be compensated with the excreted remains of peanuts previously enjoyed by Peruvian or Taiwanese squirrels.

Stephon, you’re a true life international Robin Hood, giving to the poor that which you have stolen from another countries poor.

Jb

If you’d actually like to read the story you can here.

Is it me or are those shoes made of marshmallow? I guess if the kid finds out he's just as bad at ball with shoes, as he was without, he's foound where his next meal is coming from.

I've seen more movies than you.....

Following the grand success of the outstanding list of songs we provided you with last month, here is a list of movies that personify awesomeness to varying degrees. They range from Awesome to Super Friggin Uber Awesome. Kinda like me, sometimes I’m only just awesome, but other days, watch out cause I’m the Supreme Grand Emperor of Awesomeland.

And yes in fact, the newly released “The Departed” definitely goes onto this list….

Star Wars Trilogy (Original)
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fight Club
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
The Matrix (first one)
Saving Private Ryan
Heat
Slap Shot
The Silence of the Lambs
Gladiator
The Towering Inferno
American History X
The Usual Suspects
Black Hawk Down
Seven
Caddyshack
True Romance
The Great Escape
LA Confidential
The Rock
Braveheart
Aliens
Forrest Gump
Unforgiven
Serenity
Christmas Vacation
Indiana Jones
Platoon
Goodfellas
Point Break
Terminator 2
Navy Seals
Red Dawn
9 ½ Weeks
Die Hard (first one)
Pulp Fiction
The Dirty Dozen
Lethal Weapon 2
Blade
Air Force One
Commando
The Untouchables
Kill Bill Vol 1
Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Pirates of the Caribbean
A Fish Called Wanda







So if you don’t own any of these on DVD then you must be now able to get married in Ontario. Unless you’re a girl, then you should go buy some of these so you can actually hang on to a boyfriend. If you do own some of these then you should buy more of them. Then I could say “How many movies do you own?” And you would say “Three Hundred and Two”. And then I would say “Oh, well, I own Three Hundred and Six…”

gB


Editor’s note: Don’t be afraid to be anxiously awaiting our Best of TV List, coming soon…

The Return......

Ok, ok, I’m back. And I’m mad. And I’m black y’all. Oh no wait, I’m not that last one. Anyway, the outcry from the Jargonbear readership has led me to believe that I have been missed (my Mom called, asked if I was still alive, after I said yes she hung up).

While I will offer no further explanation for my absence (thanks for your help Dr. Moshimura…..) I do have a story to tell. You see I had to send some US money from Canada for…………something. Here’s how it went.

Leave work (real job, not this one) 10 minutes early to beat the lineup at the bank. Stand in line for 16 minutes, three tellers working, line getting longer behind me. MY TURN! Oh no wait, the big woman behind the counter puts up a sign saying Closed and she smugly smiles and says “ Someone will be right with you…”. What? I’m sorry, are you going for your lunch break? Because I’m sure starting at 10:00am and working for two hours was tough on your 245lb frame. I hope you choke on your lunch. Because god knows you’ll just be hungry again at freaking 4:00pm when you’re closed once more.

Finally get my money order, drive to post office, get to counter, realize I left my wallet in the car. ArGh. Go back, slam door, wait in line (….argH), I say “need this to go to KALEEFORNIA (in Arnold Schwarzneggar accent), polite young lady does not appreciate my comedic stylings. Fine, she says it can’t there faster than 3-5 days I should courier it, suggests I go to Purolator. Gives me directions, go back to car, take 2 deep breaths, rage meter going up. Get to Purolator, wait 4 minutes to get served because no one is at the counter. Argh. A troll finally comes out from backroom, I drop the accent but it doesn’t matter. It’s going to a PO Box therefore courier cannot deliver and it must be routed through post office. ARgh. Swear loudly enough for people in store to hear me, but not loud enough to get arrested, stomp off to car, slam door, punch steering wheel. Deep breath. Start slinging F-bombs out the window at bad drivers and pedestrians as I unsafely speed back to post office.

Return to post office, polite young lady says “Sorry, I should have checked your delivery address first I guess…” My left eye starts twitching. So I say 3-5 days huh, guaranteed? She replies “It will probably be there by Monday, Tuesday for sure”. YOU LIAR! Tuesday is a full 6 business days later. How effing hard is it to have a piece of mail go down a 3 hour flight? And it’s gonna cost $11.00? ARGH. Head is throbbing, little bit of saliva flicks off lower lip as my voice raises “Hang on, I forgot my friggin wallet in the car! (again) ARGH!!!!”. Damn near break a window on the store’s door as I bust back through to the post office. There’s someone being served now. I have to wait. Mid-transaction. All I have left is to pay and I have to wait another 9 GODFORSAKEN MINUTES!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGHGHHHH. Lady asks “are you alright?”

A single tear rolls down my cheek.

gB

HumpDay Update

So it’s Wednesday and time for the Humpday update.
I missed last week so this week I will be posting twice.
I’ve also found that I’ve been posting a lot more humps than not humps, (guess that’s just how I wuz raised!)
So this week will be one hump, and one not hump.

I’ve had a bit of a soft spot for this girl for quite some time now. It’s like I couldn’t get her out of my mind for years. Therefore I thought it might be a pro po to relate her to a
television program that I couldn’t get off the screen when I was a young lad.



Seriously, did anyone even like the Racoons? Nobody liked ‘em, but everyone somehow still knows exactly what I’m talking about. Every single day in grade two would end with me rushing home, looking for some quality cartoons like Transformers, Thundercats, He-man or G.I. Joe and I would get this bush league Canadian production. None the less it some how magically transfixed me and prevented me from changing the channel.

This girl is eerily similar. Everyday in second year University would end with me rushing home, from the Den, trying to catch a peek at……well actually I don’t even know who I was trying to see. She was pretty much the first one, and set the stage for a plethora of others to follow. She was the first super hot, super sexy, super vibrant superstar. Let’s call her Bert Raccoon, as she was in all intents and purposes the star of the pop music show.

She had everything going for her and then suddenly a member of her family dragged her down. Think Cedric Sneer and his villain of all villains father Cyril sneer.


She began as an absolutely hump! But recently has come dangerously close to being filed in the not humps. Now she’s migrating back toward the, I’d still hit, in tribute of what she used to be. (Like Anna Nicole Smith, don’t tell me you wouldn’t hit it on the basis that back in the day she was hot)

Jb

I was going to post some pics of fat Brit, but why would I do that to myself??

By the way, Cedric was a homosexual. How sure am I? As sure as I am that you wanted to be an Ewok the first time you watched Return of the Jedi.

P.S. I would still touch Brit's Ewok, and if she asked kindly maybe even her Chewbacca.

Missing Bear

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I know he's been prone to taking off in the past, especially over the winter months, but it's never been this early before. One of the contributing writers to the jargonbear has fallen completely off the map.

Where has the Gummi Bear gone?

Wait, I just found this;

Jb

Return of Humpday

It’s everybody’s favorite day, Wednesday! I thought I’d mix things up a bit for this weeks installment of Humpday, so without further ado;

Yes, No, No

This one was easy. It was as if someone had lined up three viruses. When faced with a decision between Hantavirus, human-immune deficiency, and influenza, sign me up for the flu every time. Automatic I tell ya.

Hilary Duff is everything the other two are not. Actually the other two are everything Hilary Duff is not. Dirty, Diseased, Dim Witted, contaminated, unhealthy, untalented…

Yes, Yes, No

You know how sometimes, you’re attracted to some people and for the life of you, you can explain why. Like why Archie for some reason kept that douchebag Veronica around when he was so obviously a better fit for Betty. Well, Sandra Bullock is that girl for me. If I were to give her ten ratings for various aspects of her life, she would invariably score no higher than a six on any one of them, but somehow when I add all the scores together she would get a 95. It’s odd I know, but I just roll with it.

The little girl in the middle, even though she’s four foot nine, I gotta do it. I don’t know why. She’s a pretty average actor, she’s fairly average looking, she’s dating a total sack, but somehow I think if it came down to it, I’d still hit it. It’s like at the club, when the night is getting late, you’re standards get real low. Well the ugly lights just came on, but I’m in the back of the club where they don’t quite reach. I can tell they’re on, but Shara here in front of me, isn’t quite illuminated. All I gotta do is find a way to sneak Shara here out a back door and in to a cab before a) my friends catch me or b) my buzz wears off and I come to my senses. Either way I’m in for a rough morning when a) my friends bust in or b) I call her Shara again. (They’re much less forgiving in the morning)

You know how some people despise Brussel sprouts? Well I despise Gwyneth

Todays winners;

Jb