Who's the Boss?

Anybody out there who is looking for a little supervision in their life, almost like a conscience but way cooler, should hire me for the role of Chief Executive Officer of Common Sense. Every day I see people make astoundingly poor decisions concerning their lives, careers, etc. I just want to help out. For a fee of course. Nothing is free – that’s your first lesson. Here are some more examples of questions you may ask yourself that I could then answer and save the day…..

- “Should I wear these white socks with sandals?”
Answer: You are a moron, if it is cold enough for you to contemplate wearing socks then you should not consider wearing sandals. No exceptions.

- “Are these black jeans good enough for the wedding this weekend?”
Answer: Is the wedding being performed at Green Acres Campsite and RV Pads? If not then I would hit you with a frying pan. Have the courtesy to wear at least khakis with a collared shirt. It’s not 1987. Better even to have a tie, then you can tie it around your forehead and people will understand when you spill your drink on the bride while trying to kiss her.

- “Should I wear a condom?”
Answer: Tough call. You see regular common sense would dictate that yes, you should, since you really don’t want to be walking around with VD. That being, said, there’s definitely a case to made for the fact that your mug ain’t pleasing the ladies so much so you should take it when you can get it.

- “Aren’t these vanity plates cool?”
Answer: I would not answer you with words, but with a backhand slap to the left cheek. Seriously, everybody hates these, nobody understands whatever personal reference you are trying to imply. Unless it says ‘ASSMAN’, that was cool, but it’s been done. Then I would slap you again.

- “Do sweatpants count for casual Friday?”
Answer: Yes, if you are the DJ at a nudie bar. If not, how on earth did you get a job?

- “Should my team sign a goalie to a 15 year, $67.5 million guaranteed contract even though he has no playoff success record, and I still need help at about 14 other positions and need to do it under a salary cap…?”
Answer: Dear Mr. Wang (owner of the NY Islanders) – you clearly have no business owning a professional sports team, you should get into baseball. I hope the other owners tar and feather you at the annual general meeting. Great name though…….

Feel free to send in your comments and questions to the JargonBear and I will assess your situation and provide my professional advice to your dilemma.

gB