Is it even possible for one man to face a more crippling conflict in a lifetime? Am I forever cursed to deal with this raging inferno of self loathing that is upon me. What, you ask, could be so damning that I would pour out my feelings in a public forum like this?
Are you ready for it?
The new season of Laguna Beach started tonight. And I’m fresh from watching the late night re-run of he earlier broadcast that yes, I already watched as well.
You see Laguna Beach is a tender compilation of a bunch of things that I deplore in society and a healthy dose of things that I love.
To begin with, my hatred for pretentious rich kids who couldn’t form a thought if God whispered it in their ear and gave them some saran wrap to make it stick together is intense. The Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton’s of the world offer nothing and yet live in so much luxury that even Ghandi would appreciate a piece of that action. As would I. I love luxury. LOVE IT. I want the house on the beach, first class travel, and Egyptian cotton for toilet paper. And, in my defense I would think that my awesomeness alone should be enough to deserve such a lifestyle. Apparently not. But these kids from Laguna have it. Lots of it. And I’m so jealous my molars ache when I see it. So are you stating to see it yet……I hate them and I want to be them. 94% of you do too, the other 6% live in polygamy camps and have no access to TV yet.
Doesn’t it just make you cringe when you see their awful names on screen…..Kyndra, Kelan, Breaden, Lexie, Dieter, Trey, Lo, Talan. C’mon who names their children that? Can mine be Rex or maybe Ferguson the 3rd?
Can’t say I mind all the gratuitous bikini footage, but since they’re in high school I’ll end this sentence right now.
Watching their onscreen “chemistry” is enough to make me barf in my mouth. I have never ever heard such idiocy spewed in 30 minutes in my life. And keep in mind that they edit about 8months of filming into that 30 minute slot, so you’re really getting the best they have to offer. Seriously, do you think their parents consider emancipating themselves from their children after watching the show? Better yet has anyone considered punching me in the face before, during, or after I watched the season 1 and 2 marathons this weekend?
So anyway, after season 2 I didn’t think it could get any better/worse. I was quite sure that Jessica was dumber than Farah Fawcett on crack, Jason will be arrested for battery, Alex M will be a 300lb talk show host (ie: Ricki Lake?), Kristin will be doing Movie Central soft porn in 5 years, LC will win an Emmy for her third reality show called ‘I get everything by giving nothing” and if that venereal disease Stephen shows up again I’ll totally think about changing the channel.
Well boy was I wrong/right. Remember Cami from a brief appearance in Season 2, when she got ditched by Jason and looked like a total fool? Well she’s back. And I couldn’t be unhappier. She’s atrocious. And Cameron, (skinny guy with a fat face), well he’s already leading Jessica right back down the Jason path once more. What did George W Bush say “Fool me once……um….fool me twice……..uh…….won’t get fooled again?”. Nice work honey, hopefully you’re triple E twins will get you some work down the road cause…..oh never mind, I forgot, you’re loaded.
Anyway, we’re locked and loaded for a brand new year of dumbass silver spoons and all the drama that comes with. I know I’m ready. To kill myself. Right after the next episode of “The Hills”.
gB
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