Rules do not apply to hot Girls

Ummm.........

Now, I don't think that what looks like is happening, is actually happening in these pictures, but my opinion is based purely on the fact that Dr. Sue has always told me that there was a hard fast rule against bumping nasties under water.

Luckily for Jessica Alba, rules do not apply to super hot girls. Seriously I wouldn't be surprised if she fed a gremlin after midnight and..........Nothing!

Jb

Weekend Movie Review

The Departed is the best movie of the year.

You know when you're reading a good book. I mean a really good book, the kind of book that you sit down to read, and you can't help but start the next chapter, as you're dying to find out what happens next. The kind of book that even though you can sense it's getting late, you can't stop yourself from reading the next page. The kind where you suddenly arrive at last page, and realize that you should probably get up an shower as you have to leave for work in ten minutes. Well, if The Departed was a book, it would be that kind of book.

Not that that matters to you, you illiterate fool. (Wait...I don't think you're allowed to make illiterate jokes in print form.)

Honestly, it was sooooo intense. I had a couple of napkins in my hands and by the end of the movie I had clutched my fists for so long that they were little paper cubes. (I think I was subconsciously trying to make energon cubes, You know, to save the autobots)

Now, I'm not saying I've seen more movies than you, unless your name is Jon, but I've seen my fair share of movies, and can usually could pick a couple of scenes that could have been left on the cutting floor in any movie I choose to critique. (Like every scene in Crossroads other than the one where she comes out of the bathroom on prom night) But there is not a thing I would change in this movie.

I wouldn't even change the fact that somebody cast Leonardo DiCraprio in this movie. Turns out, he can actually act. I think it's the first time I've watched him in a movie and not wanted to toss a junior mint through his face on screen. (I think I actually did when he tried to pull of that tardy kid in Gilbert Grape)

Anyway. The movie was stellar, go check it out.

Jb

If you're name is Jon, I've seen more movies than you....plus one.

JargonBear makes a rare public appearance

Damded Paparazzi,

A bear can't make a discrete appearance with his super hot lady friend and not be photographed these days.

Sherry baby, I'm sorry. I know ever since our tape was leaked, I promised no unannounced camera's, but honestly this time I had nothing to do with it.

Jb

for Sheryl's publicist's cover up story, click here.

This is worth the wait!

You know that feeling right after you flush the toilet and notice that the water level is rising just past that acceptable level? The one right at that point when you rip the tank cover off the toilet and slam the stopper back down in a vain attempt to save your feet from becoming surmerged in a puddle of fecal-urinal agua?

Well I imagine that's the feeling, multiplied by a gabillion, that Denis Hamel felt when he raised his head and realized he was in a world of trouble.

Check out the video here.

Honestly, this has to be the cleanest hardest hit I have ever seen in hockey.

Denis Hamel had less chance of staying off his back here than Paris Hilton in front of a night vision camera.

Jb

What's a Phaneuf anyway??

So.....about not posting.

Some of you may have noticed we haven't posted in a while. One of you might have even cared. I have finally decided to come clean. I was not posting because;

1. Work. That stuff I do wayyyy too much of to earn wayyyy too little of the green green stuff that helps me to pay my bills. Unfortunately as little as the hell that consumes my weekdays, (and increasingly more or my weeknights, and even weekends) contributes to my financial independence, it still contributes 100% more than this blogging gig. (I would have put 110% but people that make that statement make me want to stick a frozen flag pole in their rectum)

Speaking of getting paid....Those two links on the right ad bar. The Halloween one and the Betting one, aren't there just for fun. The Halloween one has some sweet costumes. Click on it, pick one up and maybe this year you'll be invited to a halloween party, and not be the loser dressed as a doctor.

And while you're at it. Start a betting account. Online betting is way less intimidating than dealing with Vladimir from the back room downtown at the Cecil.

Hurry up. I haven't eaten in 2 days and am getting pretty frail......

2. I’ve had a super busy week trying to stalker proof my home. Ever since Eva Longoria broke up with that Parker Turd I’ve had my security detail working over time as she’s bound to rear her not so ugly face any second. Oh by the way, my security detail involves the dog that lives at my house. That’s right, it’s not even my dog. And if she were to break in, the odds are 900 to 1 that all the attack dog does is sniff her bum. (coincidentally, odds are 5 to 1 of me doing the same)

3. Oh ya, I went whale spotting. You might think that whale hunting in suburban north America would lead to some disappointing results, but it turns out whales make inland road trips. In this case the whale and her entourage made a concert pit stop in C.A. Contrary to my belief I knew a lot more Mariah Carey songs than I originally thought. She’s one popular whale, that for some reason feels it’s appropriate to wear a bra and labia enhancing hot pants as an all day outfit. Don’t get me wrong, in a normal circumstance I’m all for it, but not when you look like you’re a Macy’s day float than has been inflated 25% too much. I saw her thighs come out on stage and I though I was at rendition of Lord of the Rings the Broadway Musical and she was playing an ent!!

(I tried to find a picture of an ent to post here, but it is surprisingly difficult to find good photo's of fictional species' who have tree trunks for legs.)

gB has not been posting because.......

I don't really know.

I did notice that Dustin Diamonds sex tape came out about the same time as he stopped posting. I guess it's hard to type with only one hand.

Fighting with the Stars!

Round 1:
Katie Holmes beats up Tom Cruise – She is ruined. Nobody will consider her for a role (they barely will consider her looney husband), he’s demanding she work off the extra 10lbs from having a baby, he’s super short, and by the way he might be gay and he believes in Aliens living in a Volcano as his religion. That’s some kind of crazy.

Round 2:
Shana Moakler knocks out Paris Hilton – Oh wait, this did happen, 2 nights ago, for real. I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say “WELL DONE! And who are you again?”

Round 3:
Sienna Miller hits Jude Law with her Volkswagen Van – Why? Cause he boffed the nanny, has a terrible haircut, and generally sucks. And she’s super hot and stuff. Like, y’know?

Round 4:
Jennifer Aniston detonates the plane carrying Vince Vaughn, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – USA Today reports today…..(that sounded awkward..) that Vince and Jen have broken up, proving in fact that Brad was using him to help slowly put out the fire over his possible cheating with new arm candy Angelina. Turns out she hasn’t even bought a foreign kid for almost 6 months now….which must mean…..

Round 5:
The Queen deports Madonna - Tell Madonna she’s late (and dumb) since the newly British pop star decided to jump on the latest faze of purchasing children from poor countries. Does this African kid now have to learn the accent too?

Round 6:
Jessica Biel body slams me in a vat of jello – Cause that would be freaking awesome

gB

By the Power of Grey Skull, Rachel Bilson has the POWER!!!

Humpday Update #5

Sorry for the late update, but I did squeeze it in under the wire. And to be fair Rachel and I had a little issue that resulted in her being a little late herself. Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean.

So, I’m a bit surprised Ms. Bilson has not made the HD club by now, but thought I would correct the problem. What’s not to like. She was a lock! A couple seasons ago she would have been the premier HD candidate, but the OC has gone down hill just about as fast as Bodie Miller. Who’s Bodie Miller? He’s a member of the American downhill ski team that enjoys making his runs while drunk. (Super Champ) Bodie Miller is to skiing what Rachel Bilson is to being ridiculously hot. She takes it to a completely new level. She’s absolutely perfect.

If she offered me one night with her, and all I had to give up was;

My dignity
My friends
My family
My cabbage patch kid collection
My status as the coolest kid on the block because I have Castle Grey Skull complete with Skeletor, He-man, Man at Arms and Cringer/Battle Cat.
And My Optimus Prime Transformer,

I would deem it a bargain and would consider it the best eight seconds of my life.

If you disagree, I deem you the biggest Teabag on earth!!

Jb












Previous Humpday Updates

Humpday #4

Humpday #3

Humpday #2

Hello Hockey Fans, TV watchers, Sports critics, and general Malcontents

Hey kids,

Been awhile hasn't it. We felt it was necessary for you all to feel the hurt of Jargonbear not being around for a few days so that you really appreciate it now that its back. And our stupid "day jobs" have really been putting a damper on things. But on to bigger and better things that we have missed out on....

- Aaron Carter decides it's a bad idea to marry the older girl his brother already slept with. Good thinking, imagine how thanksgiving would have been ...."Hey Nick, pass the mashed potatoes.....oh, what's this....a pair of my new wife's panties you have been hiding since you decided to dump her.......that's awesome...thanks bro. "
- Anna Nicole Smith's son dies, two dudes fight over paternity of new kid, she gets married, sells pictures for money, and has anybody discovered a law that makes it illegal for sloths to procreate yet? Cause she would be doing life.
- Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban claim they both thought of calling off the wedding. Consensus....nobody gives a crap. Except Russell Crowe, but he was too busy throwing excrement and assaulting handicapped children for not asking for his autograph to provide a comment.
- Baseball playoffs start. Most people request more info on Kidman/Urban wedding than baseball scores.
- Your very own gB attended the Queen of England Elton John's concert recently with FEMALE companion. Fears of "catching the gay" unsubstantiated.
- Work still sucks
- Kevin Federline still a piece of white trash with zero contribution to society - 6 Guys in Lab Coats have gone on record to say "If Anna Nicole and K-Fed ever hook up, we might as well let the North Koreans have America"...
- Submitted hockey pool picks last night, already disapointed.
- Dane Cook hosted the season premiere of Saturday Night Live, I made it about 16 minutes longer than I usually do into this show before trying to find re-runs of the L-Word, still hardly impressed.
- Found re-runs of the L-Word............I lasted about 13 minutes less than Saturday Night Live did on my TV screen....
- The "Varsity Blues" tv version starts tonight....no sign of James VanDerGeek. Thank God.
- Saw an episode of "Stump the Schwab" on ESPN, realized how much I detest sports commentators like Stuart Scott. Got me to thinking about how much I detest Chris Collinsworth, John Madden, Randy Cross, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, Skip Bayless, and Joe Buck. But Joe Buck is the worst. You hear me Buck? The worst!

Anyway, the leprechaun I keep around to hit stupid people with bottles is taking a nap, exhausted from a busy day's work involving Star Jones, Rosie O'donell, Alex Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, the gay guys from Amazing Race, Jake Gyllenhall and Jude Law so I'm going to make a sandwich.

gB

Beckinsale at the beach

So, it's Wednesday, and we all know what that means.

It's the moment all five of our readers have been waiting for with baited breath for almost an entire week. That's right it's the Hump Day Update #4.

For this weeks post we will be going to the beach. Why? Because the beach is one of those spectacular wonders of nature, that can barely be improved upon. That is, unless you add to it another natural miracle. In this case Kate Beckinsale.

Man did somebody get this one right. Kate's absolutely perfect. Seriously, Underworld is a pretty much porn. Show me a man who can make it throught that movie without "it" moving and I'll show you a Clay Aiken fan.

Kate is so far up on the definitely hump list that I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one taking pictures for google earth.

Jb

P.S. Kate's hotter than your wife/girlfriend/sister/mom etc.

Previous Humpday's

Humpday #3

Humpday #2

Humpday #1

STOP THE PRESSES

Life Style Extra from the UK states:

- Scarlett Johansson was terrified before having her first Brazilian wax, it has been reported. Insiders say the 'Black Dahlia' actress - who booked in to New York's Oasis Day Spa recently - was "a nervous wreck" before stripping off for the potential painful beauty treatment, according to the New York Post newspaper.When the gorgeous blonde removed her clothes, a source revealed: "The waxing crew couldn't stop admiring her body."

This is the kind of event that will bring peace to the Middle East.

If the Pope would stop screwing it up…..


gB


I can’t hear you because so many angels are singing….

Grey's Anatomy premieres

So here I am sitting on the couch feeling sick, eating a banana and watching Grey’s anatomy off my PVR. Grey’s anatomy make’s me feel a little less sick. What a gorgeous show!

Speaking of Grey’s anatomy, speaking of gorgeous, all I can think about right now is how badly I want one of Izzie’s muffins. She was baking all episode and I think her muffin would be absolutely delicious. Mmmmmuffin… I’m sure we can all agree that Issie’s muffins are perfectly shaped, perfectly moist, perfectly scrumptious. I just want to unwrap that muffin and dive right in. I may even lend her my banana so she can put it in her muffin.

Jb

Issie's muffin dominates your muffin

UPDATE!!!!!!

OK, so it’s been a while since the last update. We were on vacation. Or drunk. Had food poisoning? Our dogs ate our keyboards. The server was down. In jail. Locked in the basement. Surfing. In a meeting. Relaxing with a Thai hooker. Whatever you like, regardless, we’re back now and you haven’t been told what to do for a few days so check out our latest offering in our music world.

75 random songs to download today, in no particular order of importance, they’re all that good…..

1. Ordinary World – Duran Duran
2. Bringing on the Heartbreak – Def Leppard
3. Ruby Soho – Rancid
4. Bobcaygeon – The Tragically Hip
5. Bitch Please III – feat. DMX, Xzibit, Eminem, Ja Rule, Dr Dre, Snoop
6. Everyday – Dave Matthews Band
7. In this Life – Chantal Kreviazuk
8. Dosed – Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. Your Wildest Dreams – Moody Blues
10. No Control – Bad Religion
11. Fade to Black – Metallica
12. Release Yo’ Delf – Method Man
13. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd
14. Let Down – Radiohead
15. Bat Out of Hell – Meatloaf
16. Holiday in Cambodia – Dead Kennedys
17. One Piece at a Time – Johnny Cash
18. Nice Legs Shame About the Face – Monks
19. Little Red Corvette – Prince
20. Ring – Dino Martinis
21. John the Revelator – Depeche Mode
22. The Hand that Feeds – Nine Inch Nails
23. Eye – Smashing Pumpkins
24. Loverboy – Billy Ocean
25. Given to Fly – Pearl Jam
26. City of Angels – The Distillers
27. No Sugar Tonight – The Guess Who
28. My Michelle – Guns and Roses
29. Peace Frog – The Doors
30. Peaceful Day – Pennywise
31. The Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin
32. The Distance – Cake
33. Take me Home, Country Roads – John Denver
34. Sunday Morning – No Doubt
35. Fallen Angel – Poison
36. I Remember You – Skid Row
37. I Was Made for Lovin You – KISS
38. Where’s your Mom? – Chixdiggit
39. It’s Hard for me to Say I’m Sorry – Chicago
40. Stay in the Light – Honeymoon Suite
41. Velocity – Face to Face
42. Separate Ways – Journey
43. Shake Your Foundations – AC/DC
44. Mind Over Matter – Ice T
45. E-Bow the Letter – REM
46. Cracklin’ Rosie – Neil Diamond
47. Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon – Urge Overkill
48. I Will Follow – U2
49. Listen to your Heart – Roxette
50. Mack the Knife – Bobby Darin
51. Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction
52. I Held her in my Arms – Violent Femmes
53. I Want You – Bob Dylan
54. Mystify – INXS
55. Dirty Magic –Offspring
56. Cheap Seats – Alabama
57. Perfect Situation – Weezer
58. Never Had a Dream Come True – S Club 7
59. I Touch Myself – The Divinyls
60. Love is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar
61. Because the Night – 10,000 Maniacs
62. Runaway – Bon Jovi
63. Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
64. Faith – George Michael
65. Call me Al – Paul Simon
66. Sexx Laws – Beck
67. Bizarre Love Triangle – New Order
68. Good Enough – Sarah Mclachlan
69. Don’t Dream it’s Over – Crowded House
70. Lyin’ Eyes – Eagles
71. Ground Control to Major Tom – David Bowie
72. Run to the Hills – Iron Maiden
73. I Can Still Make Cheyenne – George Strait
74. California Love – Tupac/Dr Dre
75. London Calling – The Clash

If you don’t like at least 37 of these songs then you should go out and buy a Backstreet Boys cd. Open it slowly, so you don’t scratch the case. Remove the disc. Then use the disc to slowly cut your wrists because you suck so much.

gB

Who's the Boss?

Anybody out there who is looking for a little supervision in their life, almost like a conscience but way cooler, should hire me for the role of Chief Executive Officer of Common Sense. Every day I see people make astoundingly poor decisions concerning their lives, careers, etc. I just want to help out. For a fee of course. Nothing is free – that’s your first lesson. Here are some more examples of questions you may ask yourself that I could then answer and save the day…..

- “Should I wear these white socks with sandals?”
Answer: You are a moron, if it is cold enough for you to contemplate wearing socks then you should not consider wearing sandals. No exceptions.

- “Are these black jeans good enough for the wedding this weekend?”
Answer: Is the wedding being performed at Green Acres Campsite and RV Pads? If not then I would hit you with a frying pan. Have the courtesy to wear at least khakis with a collared shirt. It’s not 1987. Better even to have a tie, then you can tie it around your forehead and people will understand when you spill your drink on the bride while trying to kiss her.

- “Should I wear a condom?”
Answer: Tough call. You see regular common sense would dictate that yes, you should, since you really don’t want to be walking around with VD. That being, said, there’s definitely a case to made for the fact that your mug ain’t pleasing the ladies so much so you should take it when you can get it.

- “Aren’t these vanity plates cool?”
Answer: I would not answer you with words, but with a backhand slap to the left cheek. Seriously, everybody hates these, nobody understands whatever personal reference you are trying to imply. Unless it says ‘ASSMAN’, that was cool, but it’s been done. Then I would slap you again.

- “Do sweatpants count for casual Friday?”
Answer: Yes, if you are the DJ at a nudie bar. If not, how on earth did you get a job?

- “Should my team sign a goalie to a 15 year, $67.5 million guaranteed contract even though he has no playoff success record, and I still need help at about 14 other positions and need to do it under a salary cap…?”
Answer: Dear Mr. Wang (owner of the NY Islanders) – you clearly have no business owning a professional sports team, you should get into baseball. I hope the other owners tar and feather you at the annual general meeting. Great name though…….

Feel free to send in your comments and questions to the JargonBear and I will assess your situation and provide my professional advice to your dilemma.

gB

Rachel Makes the Hump Day Club

Hump DAy Number 3

It’s Hump Day! I don’t have a lot of time to post as I’m on my way out of town for a conference. I had a quick trip down memory lane to try and find a girl from my past who was hump worthy. I must admit I was a bit gun-shy at doing this because I had been burned so many times in the past. Like that super cute girl that was in your grade two class you had a crush on, but she ended up moving to another school. Almost every time I run in to that girl fifteen years later, turns out she’s bre-X’d. You know, tanked, crashed, ballooned or just plain turned Fugly.

Now this brings me to S club Rachel. Rachel was hot enough to be a legitimate excuse for watching S Club Seven, (I watched for Rachel you watched so you could perfect the jumping air sign Seven) however I approached with my usual reserved attitude when I took it upon myself to look her up.

Well, looks like me and fate are even. Rachel is as hot as ever, and makes up for any disappointment from my past. She kind of gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Hear that Rachel, it’s fate.

Call me

Jb

Hump DAy 2
Hump Day 1

DNA, Clonings and the American Way

Do you know who that is in the first pic? It’s Polly. The world’s first genetically engineered sheep. Remember her? I don’t know how old she would be, maybe eight, ?(what's that is sheep years?) but the point is, mankind has found a way to recreate DNA and make a clone of a living animal. Pretty impressive stuff. Don’t you think? Oh you don’t. You think that opening that beer bottle with your teeth is impressive. Huh. Well, you’re right, but this is pretty neat too….

Not only do we have the ability to create something from scratch that is 100% alike to another living organism, but we can actually change things in mid life to resemble other living organisms. Now the genetic make-up will not be identical as in the Polly example but I think we can all agree that Ashley looks a lot better and a lot more similar to Jessica, than she used to.

Now, the point of all this is…

Smarter people than you have found some pretty ingenious ways to do some fairly amazing things but I’m supposed to believe the best way to dry my hands in a public place is to hold them under some piece of sh!% hot air box for about 14 minutes? I think the only reason my hands get remotely dry is from the fumes coming from my face as I rage at the ineffectiveness of those mechanical failures. The Asian team can make coconut MP3 players and we can’t produce something effective to dry off our hands!? UNACCEPTABLE! (note the unadulterated outrage being described through the use of the caps lock button).

Really, can we do something about this? I’m tired of walking out of public restrooms and having to wipe my hands on my sweatpants. It raises the risk of just getting the boogers back on my fingers. And that is just obscene.

Jargonbear

and while you’re at it, find a way to make baseball vaguely entertaining.

Scooby Doobie Doo

On September 12 (last week) Justin Timberlake released an apparently anticipated new album called “FutureSex/LoveSounds” which included his big summer single release “SexyBack”.

I for one would like to know which “Sexy” Justin is bringing back. Is it the “Sexy” that:

-had him prancing around in sleeveless shirts with 4 (one confirmed, three pending) asstronauts in training?

-or the one where he had a perm?

-was when he started dating a woman 22 years older than him who looks like a train wreck on crystal meth

-or does he just mean he has a “Sexy” back?

Anyone know some teenagers with a talking dog that can get to the bottom of this mystery?

gB


Editors Note: No pictures will accompany this post in recognition of the literacy problem that is rampant in this country. Plus our research department is having a huge bash right now, I heard that Vicki from Accounting is already dancing on a table.

Words of Wisdom

Confuscious says:

"Man who goes to sleep with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger......"

Well, that would explain it...............

gB

Fergie's Duchess Drops Today!!

I have to apologize in advance. I will not be able to post today. Fergie has a new album that drops today, “Duchess”, and having got a taste of what she has to offer with chart toppers like London Bridge, I know there will be a ridiculous line up.

I’m pretty sure that animal could have put out a better disk than this even without a hand puppeteering him. That’s right, a limp lifeless chunk of fur could make music that I would rather listen to. That’s not to say that Animal didn’t have talent. He was by far the coolest muppet. Come to think of it, I bet Animal would be better in bed. I’m sure most of the time Fergie was just laying there half conscious waiting for it to end so bitz would get paid! By the way, that’s not gay because animal was never confirmed as a dude and I said I bet, not he was.


Jb

Other album’s dropping today;

I just checked and save yourself the four seconds. Nothing worth picking up, other than maybe

lullaby renditions of Pink Floyd

GI (gastrointestinal) Joe

Had a Starbucks coffee today. Then I barfed. And I’m not even a super model. Anymore. But that’s beside the point. Starbucks coffee is gross. Beyond gross. In fact, if I put some molasses in a cup, added a drop of vinegar, spit some chewing tobacco into it twice, and then topped it off with a hint of gasoline, I believe I would have a better cup than Starbucks has to offer.

And yet there is a Starbucks on every corner throughout your city with people lining up to pay $4.00 for a double mocha grande half-latte reverse cappucini with a hint of lime. Are you people retarded? Are you so beaten down by major corporations and movie star publicity shots that you completely give up on your own sense of taste?

Speaking of poor taste, you know who drinks Starbucks - Ben Affleck, that’s who. And you know what he does. Nothing. But you also pay $10.50 every time one of his big screen atrocities comes to town. In fact, you probably almost cry into your coffee cup every time you watch Armageddon and Bruce Willis switches spots with Ben Affleck to save the world and everybody’s yelling and crying……………………hang on a sec I have something in my eye……………..

gB



Someone should tell this homeless dude his newspaper is upside down.....

Remember Hanson. MmmmmBop!!!

Hanson #2 is trying to spawn a kid band of his own.

People magazine reports;

“Taylor Hanson, the middle brother in the band Hanson, and his wife, Natalie, have welcomed their third child, a son, the band announced on its official Web site.”

Mmmmm Bop!!! I can’t quite put my finger on what’s the most surprising part of this story. Is it?

I still remember who this lunchbox is?
That this wash up isn’t living on the streets letting people piss on him for their spare change?
That buddy isn’t putting from the rough?

Jb

Even if I can’t tell which one is most surprising, I think we can all agree that news that this little pukes kid brother, I think he was the drummer, is in Dubai working as M.J.’s personal ASSistant is the least shocking. Ping! did you hear that ping? That's the sound I make after I've just made something up.

I just realized that dude's head is huge! Seriously, look at the pic. His head is twice the size of his wife's. They're so close in the picture due to the gravitational field created by his noggin. PING!