Please note, because this is week one, probably not wise to start throwing down what’s left of the farm against the spread. We at Jargonbear suggest picking straight winners (no spread) against people you know, then using that money to own the spread next week once you’ve had a chance to see the teams play. Not that we advocate gambling, it can wreck homes and ruin lives. But I bet you can’t not gamble this weekend……Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers – Mike Vick looks good on highlight films, too bad he hasn’t been seen on many in the past season. He’s a fantasy pool cancer so trade him if you can. The Panthers D should carry the game, even without Steve Smith Carolina will take this one.
Winner: Oh Carolina (but when you bet you have to say it in Shaggy’s fake reggae voice)
Baltimore Ravens at Tampa Bay Bucs – Chris Simms is still learning, but Cadillac Williams is ahead of the curve. The Ravens picked up Steve McNair to briefly solve the Kyle Boller experiment, but McNair is buyer beware and nobody bought the extended warranty. Lack of receiving core and overweight Jamal Lewis means the Swashbucklers take this one at home.
Winner: Tampa Bay (they have a boat built into the stadium, that’s cool…or gay.)
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots – You want to bet against Tom Brady at home vs. a bottom 3 offense from last year that made no significant changes this season? That’s why you’re broke.
Winner: Clam Chowder
Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs – Toughest pick of the week, at least since I had the major “bat in the cave” on Tuesday. Carson Palmer looked good in preseason but what about for a whole game that means something. Larry Johnson will be on a mission to make everybody forget that Priest Holmes ever existed.
Winner: The Tabby Cats in a high scoring affair
Denver Broncos at St Louis Rams – You know those chocolate cakes that have the cream in the middle called Joe Louis? I love those things. I don’t know why I thought of that just now but it’s better than writing “I don’t know” for this analysis.
Winner: Horsepower outworks weak Rams D, but just barely….
New Orleans Saints at Cleveland Browns – Big time ground game, expect Bush to get more receptions than carries. Saints are used to playing on the road by now, but Charlie Frye will impress in home opener.
Winner – Browns (Fantasy surprise - Kellen Winslow makes it through game uninjured)
NY Jets at Tennessee Titans – Though possible to see all 3 Titan QB’s today, Jets squad not ready to beat the teenagers from Varsity Blues
Winner – People who didn’t pay to attend this game (or Titans)
Philadelphia Eagles at Houston Texans – First opportunity for fans to truly experience the idiocy of not drafting Reggie Bush. Mario Williams gets first career sack, then gets punched in the sack for letting Mcnabb torch them for 300 in the air and 110 on the ground.
Winner: Guy from chunky soup commercial (not Jerome Bettis, the other one)
Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions - New offensive minded head coach and coordinator is good news for Lions, having crappy Jon Kitna to execute offense bad news for Lions. Shaun Alexander runs for 2 and Matt Millen still doesn’t get fired.
Winner: The Birds
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre throws 11 interceptions and the Bears D does what everybody says it will do.
Winner: JargonBears
Dallas Cowboys at Jacksonville Jaguars – TO grabs 11 balls for 106 yards and a score. The he grabs his balls and gets fined by the league. Jags put up decent effort but believe the hype, at least for this week.
Winner: America’s team (barf…)
San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals – Boldin and Fitzgerald spend so much time racking up deep yards that 49ers completely forget about Edgerrin James and he punishes them from 10 yards out.
Winner: Barry Bonds cause nobody will be complaining about him for one day (Arizona)
Indianapolis Colts at NY Giants – Manning v. Manning. Game of the week on Sunday night. Great crowd, night game, and the kid from Deliverance has grown up to beat his slightly younger, slightly more retarded looking brother.
Winner: Dueling banjos everywhere (Peyton owns little bro, until the playoffs…)
Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins – Gotta get me one of them Viking boat parties going. Damn! Redskins preseason rust wears off, Brunell pulls it off in the 4th quarter.
Winner: Tolerance Lobby Groups. Monday night exposure lets them get back on the wagon for getting rid of Native American named sports teams. After the Skins win of course.
San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders – Look for my super drunk buddy Ducklip in the cheap seats at this one. Can be identified by embarrassed wife sitting next to him. Brooks is awful. Don’t ever trust him. Randy Moss doesn’t.
Winner: Ladanian and Antonio (football players, or your waiters from the Blue Oyster?)
There it is, you heard it here first. We’ll keep a record of how we do this season so the jury has evidence as to why you lost all your worldly possessions.
gB
"C'mon Peyton, time for your nap...."
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